Thinking back...

So I have thought about the day I got married before ... why now? Well, I watching the latest episode of the Mentalist and the cop hugging his fiancee and the covered with her blood ... and fucked up as I am I jumped to ... I would like to be that loved.

I did have the perfect wedding as best that could ever have been for me. The ceremony was at my high school CA where I have the fondest ties to my childhood, and where said own written vows ...which I wish I still had a copy of (lost long ago)... and to the perfect day weather-wise, and to the out door reception in our backyard. It was exactly what I always wanted.

To understand the war inside myself, you have to know that my family gave me so much.

I stay out of my father's life and miss my mother because he is not going to change and I do not know how.

It's very telling that I do know my maid of honor well. I really don't know much about her. Her brother was very dear to me. I really liked who his sister on that intuitive level that know someone but don't have details to explain why. The fact that she said yes, proves me right.

I have said before that I do get friendship ... I never have. I saw it among people I liked who I called friends, but I have never known it. I sometimes wonder how well anyone ever does. But so many people find at one other to be their companion and I envy that.

I suspect it has to a bit with why I get so exhausted being around people, even if I have a good time.

I have my dog ... then just for a second I had a horrible thought and had to check if she were still alive beside me ....took a bit too long for me to be sure.

Funny how the mind works ... today I was thinking that the only way out of depression is to walk that path alone. I still wish someone would want to help. I think back to that quote from US Marshals show ... some people hide because the want someone to care enough to find them.

I was thinking about my son today. How I worry I may never hear from him. I don't get to know him at all anymore. I see my daughters footprints on the internet, but I see nothing of him. I wish him to always know that I think of him so much and I love him forever, for always.