Faith and Knowing

I wrote the poem Is It Ever Just dealing with irony of Faith and Knowing. Who would of thought that Craig Ferguson would discuss this very thing with his guest, Dr Cornell West (I think). Craig is lot like me. He loves an argument. At one point Craig said:

I do like to hear a man of theology say I like an argument.

I loved the arguments *heated discussions" that my father encouraged over dinner when we were young. Next Craig asked:

Do you think ... when people have faith..... and they say "I am certain." I don't think that's faith. I think that's certainty. Cause truly faith has an element of doubt.

Dr. answered:

There's a difference between rational certainty and blessed assurance.

Craig:

What is the difference?

Dr.:

Blessed assurance is making a leap of faith. Stepping out on nothing and landing on something. .... The sign of a highly intelligent person is to recognize the limits of intelligence.

Craig:

I don't even understand what you are saying.

God is he ever quick. And funny. I think a great comedian has to be intelligent, cause that's how they are so quick to find the funny response. Craig didn't even hesitate. And the way he answered, his emphasis, made the joke clear for everyone. That's genius. Craig after the laughter:

However ... blessed assurance would to me [be] ... to make a leap of faith one would have to have doubt to make the leap, right, or else it's not a leap. 

(reminds me of irreverent poem Dr Ill And Pope Rah) Dr. answers:

There is an element of doubt even in your faith because it is not all about you ...  you are acknowledging something greater than you. Like falling in love.

Next Craig made the connection to despair and how people of great faith also had great despair. I am completely surprised, because I started recording this conversation not realizing he would end up here. My thought was, "How did he jump to here?" Craig asked:

How do you stop despair or fear or disillusionment from dragging you under? Is there a tool, a spiritual tool ... a trick to it?

The response was not possible for me to have predicted. I was shocked by the question. I was more shocked hear this:

I think a lot of it has to do with ancestral appreciation. I think of Mom. I think of Dad. My grandparents. I think of friends. And I think of my children, my grandson and so forth.

Wow! It makes total sense but, it's not a good answer for me; still it sure explains a whole lot, like my whole life. But he didn't have it quite right (in thinking it was doable for everyone), because "ancestral appreciation" requires a remembrance of feeling loved (something, an experience you can tap into), not just knowing you were loved intellectually or loving them. "Friends" requires you are able to establish friendships and sustain them and I have never known that, I lack that ability, no matter who has been my friend, I have never known friendship even though I have loved many people and called them friends. "Children," well, that's all that holds me here and it is tenuous, but it all I have that is real.

Another shock .. cause as I am writing I haven't yet listened to what's next.

So that when you have that love coming at your back and then when you have that progeny that you are giving love, you say to yourself, even with the despair inside of me .... [Blues analogy here] ... I still have a smile on my face.

ok so now Craig makes me laugh and again I am surprised:

But isn't that slightly delusional?

Answer:

No. Not at all, because as long as you are moving, as long as you are in motion, and that love and that compassion, and that memory is pushing you on, you are still persevering. And that's the best we do.

That's explains why I am still here. It explains why walls are covered with my children's photo's and stuff, why I am able to still endure. And it explains why I manage so poorly, and why when the only control I have over the pain is to stop everything, that very action undermines me.

I know the outlook for me doesn't look very good, but Kian and Christie, you have to see that all you have ever been for me is good. That's what I mean when say you are a blessing. Yes, I am not good when I am disconnected, but you don't cause it. Your existence only abates the pain and despair, you do not cause it ever. If you are the finger in the hole in the dam, you don't cause it's collapse by removing it. Moreover, what's the probability that the finger really is enough anyway? You have never been the cause of my pain. And no matter how much sadness or frustration or longing I have for more than you offer, you never cause any of my pain. You only abate it. All you have been is a blessing. Can also see how loving you, however I have been able, or am able, is only good for me. It is always the right thing to do for me no matter what the cost. I don't give to you to get anything back. I give to love, to live, to love living.

I am and have always been a sinking ship. Please forgive me but I do not want to pull you under. Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

The next part of the conversation Craig had was about what does all mean and the answer is "not knowing." Life, love, and living are about an act of faith... I don't worry about the hereafter. I didn't choose my values for what they bring me regarding what is or is not after death, so I don't worry about that. I wouldn't alter who I am if I knew. Not knowing is all that is possible. The fact that love is act my core is about faith. I don't have doubt about this or choosing love freely. That's what the Dr. meant but did not articulate well. It's not that there is something. But the feeling is certainty It's not blind, because you look and examine and question and you choose love. A leap of faith is not about certainty. It's about looking into the bottomless abyss and taking the leap anyway, because it is your choice. For me love is always the better choice. Yes, I avoid pain and lessen my options to love, but I am human. But when the chance to love is in front of me, it's always a "no brainer" choice, whether I look to weigh the options or just leap.

He goes on and talks about formal religion and ritual and then Craig says:

Also a great deal of inhumane behavior brought about by dogma associated with Religion...

I am vessel. That's what empathy does it opens you and it is a gift because it enables me to love well. Maybe that's why the hate on the blogs reaches into my soul, why I can't stop it from impacting me. Truth is, I would not lessen my ability to love to keep me safe. Maybe that's why I love irony ... What makes me feel so connected to Craig, is that I get him, which is not the same as knowing him, but I get who he is.

The thing Craig was alluding to is that people do horrific things under the banner of faith. Thing is, people who profess "blessed assurance" think they know for sure. And the Dr was mistaken to say that you land on something ... you don't, because you don't know. What is true is the landing is about after death and you can't know that. You cannot know God ... so you are always falling and faith is trusting .... faith is seeing nothing and stepping off the ledge. I am innately faith and I have none simultaneously. I live with fear ever present, afraid to live, and I love whenever there is the opportunity and I see it. I am kind. That question that I asked when I was a senior in high school that no one understood why it was so important or why I was driven, makes complete sense to me. What is love? I was asking who am I, why live.

I have to ask myself, given where today started how I came to have ended up listening to a prerecorded show (which I TiVo'd and which aired November 5th) with a serious guest that would explain everything about me and in a way that gives me some sort of hope ... but I still don't know how ... Maybe what it gave me was connection. Instead of real friends I connect with what I can know of people on TV ... it's not like I know them but getting who they are is a way of connecting of knowing them. It sustains me. It doesn't fix me but it is a way to live. Or maybe, understanding the irony of me leaves me less guilty, more forgiving of how I am. Still how, in moment where I reached a new low, how come I ended up listening to this show? How is it that I recorded it 10 days before, but today was when I listened to it? Often I have felt lucky and blessed ... listening to this today is one of those moments. This added to the good pile.

Question is ... how do I move and stay in motion, when the effort is exhausting and the pain is only abated by standing still. That was what Craig was asking. I wonder why he asked that. How did he jump to there? I can only assume that he knows despair intimately, maybe in himself, maybe in a loved one. I usually think of his show as gift because I laugh, because he is so funny and kind and brilliant and witty. But the gift of this show is completely different, and I am in awe of it.

I had an epiphany about the failure of religion and why it corrupts. People are looking for what will get them better things in the hereafter as oppose to understanding what it means to love and have compassion and to chose love freely. Not everyone would, so religion gives people a reason to, but instead it is twisted into living something quite different, and it shows in bigotry and hate and intolerance. Not everyone looks into the abyss, be all fear death and want something to continue beyond. I can understand why religion, and I understand how horrific behavior is inevitable. I understand why I both hate and love being human.