being kind

All that ranting in my last post and it led to my posting this on the Survivor blog:

All this hating towards NaOnka has put her permanently in the hall of fame of villains and ironically, you know what it probably means... she will be back! Hate is powerful thing and counterintuitively, it gives life. Unlike some of you, I hope her life is better for this experience. I wish her well.

All though out the internet where I have posted, I have been kind. I have shown humor and kindness and an unyielding stand for kindness.

It would surprise people who don't know me that I am so unhappy, that I hardly live anymore, that I have struggled all my life to be something I never will be—content and happy as I am.

People who know me don't want to. Being in my life is just too hard. And that makes it worse. In the end, everyone is right to walk away. Kindness isn't enough, not when the love given to me disappears in the void which is me, like a black hole, there's no trace. if people love, hoping to make a difference, loving me is a waste of time — not because it doesn't matter, because it always does, but because no one evaluates the gift as it is received in the moment, instead  they look backwards and see no trace. I suck love like a black hole.

I understand all this and yet I cannot understand why I am not worth 5 or 10 or 20 minutes of my children's time weekly. Why is that so hard to give, when it matters to me, even if they cannot see it when they look back, or understand the depth that it matters each time they touch me, no matter how briefly or infrequently. We only have the moments we live and they matter, if not, nothing ever matters. Why live?