Monday, August 22, 2011

broken mirror

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. You can still fix it with all the tiny pieces. Maria D (a 13 year old in California)
I pictured this and thought .. exactly .. you might find all the pieces and glue it all back together but it will never be the same. What a strange image to use .. unless she meant a broken heart will never be as before. I thought this strange until I googled it and found it had been written by 13 year old. It does take innocence to see the world as able to be fixed by putting pieces back together, as though living doesn't have permanent impact, often irreversible impact.

Pat Wilson has been in touch with me. She suggests I write .. that this is what will make life worth living .. I don't know .. it is better than doing nothing but I don't know.

Writing opens my heart and it hurts.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

90 days seems like a lifetime ago .. the last time I came here

I feel like there are shards of me slicing and cutting me into pieces from the inside out. I don't think there are any days that I do not cry. I find the fat that grows and grows an odd kind of comfort.

It was hard seeing my daughter last month. I appreciated it and yet I can't hide the truth of how she sees me and cannot tolerate me. My parents don't keep her from me anymore/ She is all grown up and it is her choice -- just like Kian. He called me the other day and we talked for a long tie about politics. I cannot remember a conversation with him that was that long. It's been way too many years.

I don't think I will make it to his wedding. I don't see how I can do it. I am sorry.

The misconception my family has is that I can get better and that was better before. I used to hide the truth in plain sight and it is easy to believe those moments of better behavior meant what was has been seething inside was never there.

There is so much pain. Too much to manage anymore except by horrific self-neglecting behavior.I periodically dream of someone caring enough to save me. Truth is that is just too big and it is getting worse.

I feel like dirty scum floating on the water, circling and swirling its way down the drain.

I am hiding in plain sight and people who see glimpses turn away. It's too hard too see.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


From Criminal Minds: Elizabeth Barre
"The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart, that goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another."

From Criminal Minds: Walter Langer

"People will believe a big lie sooner than a little one., and if you repeat it often enough people will sooner or later believe it."

Monday, February 21, 2011

Hiding from myself

Criminal Minds: Terry Pratchett
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always gotten there first, and is waiting for it."
No matter how bright a black hole's light, that light can never escape; it is never seen.

Princess died quietly in her sleep on February 7, 2011. In the few days before, I knew it was her time to die. She had very little pain, but I couldn't spare her it, because, in the end, I couldn't kill her.

Now I am alone.

Criminal Minds: Stephen King
"Monsters are real and ghosts are real too. They live inside us and sometimes they win."
I know they win. I think that's why I cry; that's what hurts.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Christie called too!

The other night Christie called .. I loved talking to her. But she was sick ... told her she needed antibiotics and to see a doctor ... I was right. Glad she did. Liked talking to Tim too. They might come out and help me... would mean a lot. But I am skeptical until it happens.

I'm freezing here. Some water pipe... I let the house get too cold .. I'm a bit fucked... feet got wet and are freezing. I think I am fucked.

Cold as shit too. I am such a jerk.

Katie called

I do a lot processing in my head. I use this blog when I want to convey things to my children and to make the pain more bearable. The last post was for that reason. I also don't write to keep the pain hidden and more bearable. I have done a lot of that this past month, though I also posted on facebook responding to stuff ... another way I manage not feeling what hurts... by feeling something else. In the void there is pain. Even having princess to love is way to not have pain. It's a good way. And I have spent tons of hours, holding her, petting her, just loving her. But I am sidetracking here. I also write to express me. Sometimes this overlaps with other reasons.

Katie's story here is about expressing me. I met Katie when I moved to Vermont at the end of 1992. I might have actually met her before, but I primarily knew her husband from Go. A conversation with him was why I chose Vermont. It was during that conversation that I first imagined being independent of Bruce and when I knew I could not stay in Hawaii any longer as I could not bear to see Bruce with Sue fawning over each other. Again I am sidetracking... point is that was the beginning of my friendship with Katie. 

I use the term "friendship" loosely. I was her friend in that I liked her for who she is. I do not like a lot about her, but I enjoyed her company and conversation. I could have fun with her. We could talk about a lot of things. We don't agree politically, but we could have good conversations about stuff we disagreed with, which I love to do. I listened to her regarding her jerk of a husband and regardless of her part in the messed up relationship, it was and is easy to allow her to vent both the good and the bad. It's the kindness that is who I am that accepts people as they are, even when I don't respect it.

But when Katie's husband got ill. I saw ways I could be helpful that others don't typically do. I gave her my time in ways others don't see and are not willing to. I helped with the kids when she needed to take him to the hospital and I enjoyed doing it and being with her kids. I vividly remember picking them up from school on 9/11. After he died, I didn't make the funeral. I don't do that kind of public thing well, but afterwards, when others disappeared, I was there for her. I was there for her to speak freely about both how she hated him and loved him. I understood her feelings and I understood her need for expression. I insisted on helping her clean out  her husband's study, because she could 't face it alone. I knew that so I made it easy for her ... like I wanted to do it. And I did ... out of kindness .. not to do the job. What I did for her and her children during this time was all about what she needed and I did it out of kindness, because it mattered to her and it made a difference.

She called at the beginning of last week ... late at night ... and noticed I had been snowed in and was concerned. I was surprised that she said that I had made a real difference to her when it mattered, not because I didn't know I did, but because I didn't know she knew. She wanted to help me, because she feels in debt to me ... because of how much I gave to her. I am not surprised that she feels a need to clear a debt ... but the thing is ... from my point of view, she owes me nothing. Oddly, of all people I have known, she is the most able to help me in critically useful ways. I would never have asked her, because I would feel I am using her, because being her friend is not good for me anymore ... because she is mean and I don't like it or want it.

Oddly, her offering puts a different spin on it. It's a kindness to let her help me and balance a debt she feels, and it benefits me. When she offered .. she included saying that she did not judge me and knew I was depressed and not well. Katie judges everyone and I was guarded when she offered, making sure she was aware of how bad things are for me. Still, I was pleased and very surprised that on Friday when she came and brought a guy to plow me out and said she was paying for it. At that point, I had accepted being snowed in for the winter. I knew she wasn't there out of kindness, that she was being generous and paying back a debt she felt she owed. I know she is judgmental, but there was moment where I had hoped she could not be and that she was there to help me in any way she could ... as she stated.

But she had not changed ... which doesn't lessen the extraordinary generous gift she has given me. She was helping me gather trash and recycling when friction occurred (when I was clearly aware of it).. I wanted to burn stuff which would help heat the house verses toss it, and I wanted to recycle properly. It bugged her that I wouldn't do it her way ... 

I have difficulty seeing a way out when there are too many steps .. and she stated she understood and that I did not have my priorities correct and that she could see the way out ... I know I get overwhelmed too easily so I was relieved...  Hope creeped in.

Earlier, when clearing my driveway, she said she would move my car out to the road ... to be honest, I didn't have the focus to assert myself and I say I would do it ... I was letting her help and in that mode, I didn't see the option to shift. In backing out she hit the side of the snowbank and continued to fight against it to get out ... I was too late in stopping her and she cracked my bumper ... hind-sightedly, I realize that while the damage was likely unintentional, she was pissed at me for having such a nice car, so it is not a surprise it was damaged. Outside, after all was cleared, she first brought up the issue with my car (after she had damaged it).

She feels I should sell my car for something cheaper and is frustrated that I won't do that. Thing is that it makes no sense. I would end up with a car that needs more maintenance which would come at unexpected moments and it wouldn't handle the snow as well. She also thinks I must immediately hire a plowing service. I disagree. I was willing to live with the consequences and manage. Still am. I am going to have to spend $600 on heating gas in February, just to keep the house in the 40's.

I understand that for Katie to come, the driveway has to be clear and that she won't clear me out again .. I wouldn't expect her too. But her insistence on my spending on plowing for her to help me deal with my bathroom (unrelated) is how she wants to offer her help. I won't do this knowing the cost is losing her help.

Thing is, she could really fix my bathroom so I have a shower ... and so the floor won't leak down onto the sills and rot them. I could have a working shower with her help and that is no small task or offer. In fact it is critically important to my improved well-being. 

I understand what she is offering and I understand the costs ... and she is asking me to think about it ... I won't sell my car and I explained why. I cannot see hiring a plow service half way into the season but I can see the need to keep the driveway accessible and that I take a risk that I can't manage it.

I understand her wanting my boxes and burnables out of the kitchen and told her I would burn stuff before she came back or agree to throw it out ... (of course I will move some into the back room, but I didn't say that). It's not that it's necessary for her to be able to help me, but for her to be willing.

What I want from the bathroom fix is a floor that doesn't leak into the basement sills. How that is accomplished is irrelevant to me, in fact, the simplest, easiest way is ideal. Since she has to go through the entry and kitchen, compromising/agreeing in that cleanup is reasonable to me. To me it is being considerate. How I do it is up to me (which pissed her off).

She wants to help me. Helping her help me is good for me and kind. But I do draw a line. Katie called it willful. Yes, I am stubborn. This is the dictionary definition:

(of an immoral or illegal act or omission) intentional; deliberate willful acts of damage. 
• having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects the pettish, willful side of him.
Pettish meaning:
(of a person or their behavior) childishly bad-tempered and petulant he comes across in his journal entries as spoiled and pettish
I understand Katie and I respectfully disagree. I told her that I wouldn't tell her she should sell her property because her taxes are too high ... so she really shouldn't be telling me to sell my car because she doesn't think I can afford a new car ... even though it is 3 years old. Her rationale is that she doesn't own a new car so I should not, which is silly. I also explained why it would not make sense, even financially, to do what she wants. And unlike her, I can't fix my own car and manage that. Having a reliable car is smarter based in who I am.

Katie has not said she won't help me further. I know she is driven by a sense of debt. I told her she owes me nothing but I know that falls on deaf ears. I have some guilt about negotiating and letting her help me. I am willing to be a friend to her out of kindness, and may enjoy her at times, but not out of choice. So I feel that I am using her. Thing is... I didn't call her and I have not asked her to do anything. The guilt comes from knowing I could benefit greatly by allowing her to appease her sense of debt ... it kind of seems wrong both ways. The guilt comes from not caring that she helps me for me. I think I wouldn't feel guilty about the kindness of letting her help me if it did not benefit me so well.

To be honest, she was trying to blackmail me with her generosity ... by having me do things her way when I disagree. This is really normal for people. Conditional generosity is the norm.

I think the rationale is that no one is going to help someone destroy themselves ... like giving money to an addict for food, knowing it will buy drugs. But feeding an addict a warm meal is of itself of value, whether or not they change their life. Unless you believe the only people worthy of help are those who will change for the better from the help.

Kindness is different.  It doesn't depend on any outcome following it ... it's about the actual act and it's for the benefit of the person receiving it as they perceive it.

I think Katie called me willful, because she saw I was willing to let her walk away, if she was unwilling to offer what I would like, without me accepting her other conditions. I feel guarded in my heart to want anything from her. She doesn't understand my anxiety or my safety issues and I know it's hard for her to accept the pace that I can manage.

I cleaned up the kitchen more, doing the dishes for the first time in at least a month, and bagging cans and trash from my room. Over the next few days I will put stuff into the car, especially good will and returnable bottles and cans. I am able to do this because she needs it done to help me ... and she can't know where it's going or she would be upset that I just didn't toss it out in the garbage. I know it is fucked up that I can do it for her (for me) but not just for me.

I had tried not to hope with Katie and thought I had not, until she backed off because I was "willful." That's when I realized I was believing I might have what I had thought was not possible. When I saw possible dissipate ... that's when I realized I had opened my heart a tad more than I intended.

I let go of the friendship with her, intentionally, after she came to the house to take me to hospital when I was extremely ill, and then proceeded to bitch about Christie doing more (she was sick, but on her way to healing). I was so ill and she was so mean .. I didn't want that in my life anymore. This wasn't the first time, but it was the last. Ironically, she brought that up when she was here ... once again complaining about how my kids didn't help me enough (this, after stating on the phone how as parents we raise our children to grow up and go off on their own to flourish). This time, while I explained my daughter's position, I wasn't upset in any way. I have no connection to her anymore. I am not her friend. While I have never agreed with her opinions of my children or how she expects her own to owe her raising them, now I am not even connected to her at all. I don't miss her in my life or want her in it. I remember this incident clearly ... but that she did and still felt critical is so very telling.

She mentioned she didn't have a mate ... and that it could be because she is rude. I think it is because she is mean. I didn't say this or really address her comment. Her attacks on my children are no longer mean ... they are irrelevant. Before I had thought of her as a friend.

In the years that I knew her, we had hours upon hours of conversation and I was very helpful to her. She saw me as wise. I gave her a place to voice her issues with her husband, and perspective on understanding who he was and how he always was that way. This time I reminded her how he had tested her the day they met and that she had shown she was willing to accept his abusive, rude manner. I said he tested her and took her on as his wife when she showed a huge tolerance for his nasty behavior. He chose her because she was willing to let him treat her poorly. Besides she is better off today, for who she has become, as he never valued or supported her achievements or abilities if he felt they out-shined him, in fact he actively disliked any sign of that and interfered or discouraged her.

Christie really doesn't like her. I am more tolerant. I also don't like her, but I can see the good in her. That she would actively pay back a debt she feels she owes, without being asked, is a good thing about her. It's as close as she might ever come to kindness. Just clearing my driveway of the three feet of snow was extremely generous.

She also told me I could come and take a shower at her place at anytime. I think she was disturbed that I turned her down on Friday. It was too much. I made it to the dump, but not to the post office.

Christie called in the middle of the night and I spoke with her and Tim for a long time ... until their line went dead. I will call her back today once she wakes up.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

been rough

I am on the edge. Everything hurts. I am snowed in. I want to disappear. It's too hard today.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

still here

I am still here in the cold ... waiting for whatever ... food is low, even for princess ... I need to try to get her food ... at least do my best ... yet I have not yet.

I don't know what to think or if to think or just what ... I am tired and cold and hiding here alone.

Criminal Minds: Karl Kraus:
"A weak man has doubts before a decision; a strong man has them afterwards."
I think it is weak to not decide, to have doubts is not weak ... it is stupid not to weigh a decision ... I think I am weak of spirit, of will, of consideration of my family, of pretty much everything ... I think I should be dead ... I am so disgusting in how I hide ... I do want to be dead. I wish I could just die of something ... I want to quit living .. I just don't want to exist ... I want my mind to stop ... I want to disappear ... I want to not want to not exist to be gone .... I want to be over. I want to not feel. I want to not want anything.

Criminal Minds: Emily Dickerson poem:
One need not be a chamber to be haunted, 
One need not be a house; 
The brain has corridors surpassing 
Material Place.
I feel like bashing in my head in between figuring out how to possibly get out of my driveway by Friday. I keep imagining going outside and then not ... and in between I want to hit my head hard to stop the pressure and hurting. I am worn out.

too cold.. again

It's 36 degrees inside. And it snowed the other day .. too much. I am running out of food and I don't think I will pull off getting out of the driveway. I am tired and cold and it is so hard to keep fighting.

I don't know if I will just freeze with Princess or get food or if I can. I am just tired of trying. I am not worth saving ... I miss chances and it is all my fault. Maybe I could sleep forever ... if only I was that lucky.

I suppose I will try and dig out tomorrow ... just buying enough food once should get me through the winter. I just have to leave the house. It should be doable, depends on the snow ... how deep, solid and heavy. I just don't know.

Friday, December 24, 2010 part?

Criminal Minds: Nelson Mandela:
"There is no such thing as part freedom."
This is why gay marriage is necessary, why riding the bus only if you sit in the back is not enough; one believe in freedom and deny someone else theirs, even if all you do is stand by and do nothing or only hold that denial in your heart.

Criminal Minds: Galileo:
"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered. The point is to discover them."
 Some truths refuse to stay discovered.

I waited until now ... it's well past 10 and no one has called ... I didn't want to not be here ... in part not to worry them when I didn't show, in part not to appear well and shunning them, in part because I use anything as an excuse, and in part to be safe, to be believed, to be forgiven. Who knows for sure what all the reasons are ... or which stop me ... or which factors are relevant if any.

Now it is coming up on 11pm. Will I go out tonight? I wonder if Walmart is open all night. Will Princess be ok alone? I want to go. I also want to stay. And it is very cold. I have to win to go. I don't have to do anything to stay.

Maybe it all centers on Princess. She still has food. She still doesn't want to pee or poop her bed ... it matters to her ... and still enjoys food and loves being held and hugged.

The heater I got for xmas does not heat the house. But it might keep me warmer ... I'll try that next. Well it helps keep me warm enough, but not much for warming the house. But the thought was wonderful. I think it was from my son, which means he is thinking of me. It's little things that matter.

got a gift by ups

I think one of my children sent me a heater .. Kian I suspect ... that was kind and he understood. I am not positive it was him ... but I guessing... I'll find out with this message on Facebook .. just to them:
I got a present delivered by ups today .. it warms my heart too! Are you my secret santa Kian? or are you Christie? Merry Christmas ... I love you both.
It's closing in on 8pm ... It's too early for them to think I am definitely coming ... wish they would call ... maybe I will call them by 9pm. I would rather go out earlier ... to buy stuff at Walmart and Price Chopper.  I'd like Chinese food too. It would be a waste of money, but I would love it ... I dream of pizza at times. I want plenty of food for my dog ... winter will last for 3 more months. Living off of ramen, eggs, bread, popcorn, potatoes ... makes it easy to dream of food ... like meat and chocolates!

When I am on the edge, little things trip me up .. in hindsight they make no sense, and yet, time and again, the same thing happens, different things, but always something.

Criminal Minds: about a victim who survived:
"Scars remind us where we've been. They do not have to dictate where we are going."
That's what I have wanted to believe all my life ... but I think they influence us, nonetheless, and for me that has, at times, not been my finer moments. On the other hand, despite the scars, who I am has shined through. But it does not shine on me. Still it is enough to have shined on others, those I have deeply loved and those I have hardly known. My kindness and love touches those with whom I interact.

Criminal Minds: Ralph Waldo Emerson:
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
I don't remember this quote. I have seen the episode maybe twice. I hope this is true. I believe it. I live my life and continue to live ... believing who I am matters most, even if I don't truly matter.

x-mas eve

I still fool myself ... even when I know ,,, I want to believe I can be different. My mother called last night wanting to know if I would come down for x-mas eve. I said yes but I don't think I can. It hurts. I hug Princess a lot. She has bed sores on one hip. I can't kill her. I can't. There are a slew of recorded Criminal Minds ... clearing them is a way to free myself from ties to be able to act and a way not act. It does both.

Criminal Minds: Cory Doctorow:
"All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That's in the nature of secrets."
 I still have secrets ... I try not to hide from myself and yet I don't think I can help that.

Criminal Minds: Elbert Hubbard:
"If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate."
I don't think this is true. I think there would be less hate, but we use idolizing as hope and hate as a way to separate ourselves and it is in our nature to need to do this to live.  I think there will always be those who are idolized and those who idolize and there will always be hate. As long as there is fear there is hate. The was a start of a sentence about a killer in the story.
"He was a nobody who wanted to be somebody..."
We all are nobody's wanting to be somebody... most other than who we are ... some will do anything for this to be so.

Criminal Minds: Eleanor Roosevelt:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
I think the second sentence is true, yet the first is not. Either that or I am incapable of looking enough fear flat out an acting. Or I am a coward.

Criminal Minds: Tennessee Williams:
"We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out."
Criminal Minds: Francios Sagan:
"I have loved to the point of madness. That which is called madness. That which to me is the only sensible way to love."
I think I have loved to the point of sadness. I wouldn't change this either. And those I love think I am bit crazy. I am just tired.

Criminal Minds: Dr. R. Joseph:
"Within the core of each of us is the child we once were. This child constitutes the foundation of what we have become, who we are, and what we will be."
Every child wants to go home, to be safe, to be loved. I want simple things, impossible things.

Criminal Minds: Arthur Rubinstein:
"There is no formula for success, except perhaps for an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings."
I wonder if this same formula is also failure, not that there are not other ways to fail. Princess cries when she pees or poops; she doesn't want to soil herself. I feel the same way. I take it as a sign of wanting to live, like eating.

Criminal MindAnatole France:
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another."
 Criminal Minds by Spencer re a victim having closure:
"People's emotional lives are linear like that ... to say that one single event can suddenly bring peace to a man; I just don't think it is possible." 
Some things you don't get over. Some things don't get fixed. Some things you live with and how they scar you, because there is no other choice but death.

Criminal Minds: John Steinbeck:
"A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ."
Not quick enough. It seems like forever.

Criminal Minds: Tom Stoppard:
"We cross our bridges when we come to them, and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." 
Why do people find it so easy to toss aside other people, like a used towel, even if it once dried their tears or warmed their body? I know it is normal to do so and I know I am not normal in this way.

It is almost 6pm. It takes 3 hours to get to my brothers house. I couldn't see how to come without my hair washed and I couldn't see the way to all the steps to leave in time, and so I did this here instead, to let time go by. I am so sad. I need to go out and buy food and shop and yet I do not go. Princess is crying again. So am I.

She pooped. I wish I could explain away so easily what pains me. I think about the food I am missing tonight, the lobster sauce and all the good food. It has been a very long time.

Criminal Minds: Frederich Nietzsche:
"What was silent in the father, speaks in the son, and often I found in the son, the unveiled secret of the father."
And so it is for mothers and daughters.

Criminal Minds: Gilbert Parker:
"There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance."
I know there is no refuge ... and still I hide.

Criminal Minds: Mark Twain:
"Let us consider that we are all insane. It will explain us to each other. It will unriddle many riddles."
I suppose that, given how little I understand people, or little I seem to be understood, perhaps this is a reasonable way to make sense of it all. Thing is, I don't think we are meant to understand each other, empathy is difficult enough and rare. Understanding is like knowing and it is outside our realm of existence. We think we understand, but all we tend to see are pieces of ourselves, and even then, only when we are willing to look.

Criminal Minds: Martin Luther King:
"Man must evolve for all human conflict, a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."
I understand love. I also understand that love is the most dangerous thing to those who hate, and the kill it whenever they can. I think what King says is so true not about the "must" and yet it is what would be the best in us were we to achieve it. But among the masses, this will never be understood. Even among the well-educated, revenge, aggression, and retaliation are all considered normal, viable, and appropriate responses. I do not believe this will ever change. The foundation of christianity is love, and yet among its most avid followers are those who hate the most. Wisdom leads you to this understanding. Most are not wise. Most don't even seek wisdom.

I keep imagining going out to get food, but think about my mother calling and my not being here. I am waiting to tell her I am sorry for not coming, that I miss her and I would have loved all the food. I would have made everyone less happy ... I would have been unable to hold myself together ... I would have cried. I didn't have enough time to prepare myself ... like I did at the funeral. Thing is .. my mother doesn't want me to break down in front of everybody .... they don't want me to cry .... they don't want to see me the way I am. My goal is to go out tonight by 10 or 11 pm to see if Walmart is open ... to buy food. It's been my goal for more than 2 months. I think I can pull it off tonight ... sometimes I only pretend to think this way ... it's a remote possibility ... hard to know right now ... how real ... how remote.

Criminal Minds: Mother Teresa said:
"I have found a paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
I have not loved enough. Or maybe she is wrong ... or maybe it has to be a way of life, practiced in as many moments as you are awake and able. But it is doesn't hurt to love ... but with empathy, you feel the hurt of those you love ... and that doesn't end the hurt within.

Criminal Minds: about Haley at her funeral
 "If [she] were with us today, she would ask us not to mourn her death, but to celebrate her life ... she would tell us to love our families unconditionally, and to hold them close, because in the end, they are all that matter."
While I am alive I want to tell those I have loved to do much the same ... slightly differently...
I wouldn't presume as to whether you mourn my death, but would ask that you celebrate what life was about for me ... to celebrate kindness. I would tell my son and daughter to love each other unconditionally and foster loving your family in your children and in theirs, hold them close; whether or not they are all that matters, they definitely do matter. Family is as small or as large as you make it. It is not just those who are connected by blood. Open your heart and love and it only grows larger. I have found that love and kindness have always fed my soul and that I have never found the well within me to be dry, rather I have found it bottomless and infinite.
It is a flaw in myself and of my childhood that I did not or was unable to love myself, to care for me enough to live well. But it did not inhibit my ability to love others and to be kind. I understand how come I am the way I am, and I understand that loving me is chasm I am unable cross. I would not wish this on anyone. And I know how to make it not so in every child, and I would like that to be my legacy. Loving children for who they are, what makes them special, unique, and beautiful, is the foundation for self-love, for the ability to flourish. I grew up with parents who loved me and wanted me to have the best; to love a child for who she/he is, is different than this, it is liking, enjoying, and appreciating them for themselves. You cannot allow children to be teased and humiliated and not come to their defense because you think they are being wronged. Keeping them physically safe, while allowing them be tormented verbally because you believe "sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you" is not enough. My parents meant well, they do love me, and they did not see the harm that was happening to me. I do not fault them or think badly of them; I love them. I would wish for people to see the beauty within their own children, not the projection of what they wish them to be, but who they truly are. Liking another for who they are as they are is gift, often all too rare.
I have not been happy a lot of my life, but I have loved well and deeply, and for that I am forever grateful and blessed. I have been able to see opportunities to be kind and so I have been able to be kind. I have no remorse about living and being kind. I do wish I could have been different, but not at the core, not in who I am. Remember me for who I am, for who I was, for the kindness I showed, for the love I gave. To my children, remember me for how I am in your hearts forever, for how I imprinted the best of myself onto you.  When you celebrate kindness and love within you, you celebrate me. Celebrate how I loved you for who you are, by loving your children for who they are, and teach them to do the same. In doing this we live forever, even if never known.
Criminal Minds: Kathleen Norris:
"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."
I yearn to go home. The opportunity is available, yet I stay. I am home. Yet I still yearn. I suspect they know I am not coming. I think my mother hopes, maybe my father, probably my cousins, maybe my aunt, possibly my brother Bobby, the rest are expecting me to be the same, and won't miss me. I miss my mother. I love my mother and father. I hardly know my family.

Much as I yearn to go home, I would be watching myself, keeping emotions in check, watching what I was eating, how much, I would not feel free or able to relax and be me. Not because I should not be that way, because I wouldn't want to feel the criticism and because I could not help but react. That's the horrific truth .. I hate the idea of being there as much as I want it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christie called!

Made me so happy to hear from my daughter today. She's helping figure out why mail has not gotten to me and told me cool things about how nice her boyfriend is. I am so pleased she is loved by him and that he treats her so well. She has been sick and he has been super sweet. She is so special to me and I want her to be treated that way.

The anxiety is so hard for me. It's hard to keep the house warm. Knowing my parents are not interested hurts. I don'e understand why what I wanted was so hard to do. I do love them and I miss my mother.

Chris and I  have a good time hanging together .. I wish I lived near her. I thought she was mad at me .. I am so glad/relieved she is not. I enjoyed listening toi her and her stories about Tim.


Facebook bullying and hate speech is easy to run into when you post on Survivor because of the strong feeling people have about the players. But facebook's management of it was slow and then the system which was intended to regulate hate speech and bullying was turned against those who took a stand against it. I made a suggestion to Facebook on safety and caused others to do so and I wrote this to Ellen in hopes brings to light.
RE Bullying/Bigotry on Facebook 
As an active poster on Survivor, I was not surprised by the dislike of players, but the hate & racial slurs against them were far worse than their “unlikable” behavior. I took a stand against those who used racial, gender & sexual orientation slurs re Brenda, Sash & NaOnka & flagged comments that included such language. Others followed. I was "rewarded" with hateful gender & sexual posts targeting me, especially when I encouraged those who found posts offensive to flag them. It hurts to be attacked. I suffer from an anxiety disorder, stemming from being bullied & molested as a child. Finally, these offensive posts stopped. People find it easy to be mean when they vent; nasty attacks towards NaOnka continued without offensive language. I continued to take a stand & used humor to encourage folks to chill re hate. On the finale night I was blocked by facebook & I was not the only one. Those who took a stand then or before or flagged offending posts had their posts flagged, though nothing was offensive about them. Bullies/bigots found a way to use the protection against bullying/bigotry against those who took a stand. There’s no way to appeal a block or to see why or what posts cause it. Today, I figured out how to send a suggestion to facebook, but with millions of users I fear it will fall through the cracks. I thought perhaps you could help. One thing I’m sure of in life is that what happens to me is not unique. 

Love Being Kind, Leslie
I sent this too as my entries submission for the twelve days of giveaways:

I am 54, on disability for an anxiety disorder/depression. To be honest, I cannot imagine how I could win ... no harm in trying & I'm taking a stand — to stop the shunning of those who are depressed, caused in part because people are encouraged to keep only positive people in their lives. I truly hope my life has a part in changing this. I love being kind. I've lived my life that way. My hope is to see it celebrated more & valued & noticed in everyone's life.
Love being kind
It says you are given 2120 characters and so I wrote this which was whittled down to the above!

I am 54, on disability for an anxiety disorder/depression, stemming from being bullied and molested as a child. To be honest, I cannot imaging a world where I could win ... but I don't seem any harm in trying and I am taking a stand. Thing is, I can't use most of the gifts; ideally, I would give away most to my children, esp the trips to my daughter so she could come to the mainland, making it more possible for her to visit family and friends, and the electronics to my son who is starting out and would enjoy them so much, and the rest to family/other people who would love them. What I need is so much more basic than these luxuries, but giving is possible for me and I find it rewarding and healing and kind of like food, only not fattening. I would also be equally, if not more thrilled, to see Brenda Lowe of Survivor win this in my stead, because I was so in awe and delighted by her kindness towards the 2 quitters who joined her the day after she was voted off. I would like to see that kindness celebrated and she is extraordinary in her instinctive response to the unexpected. I am so thrilled to see so much space available to tell one's story. Tomorrow I will use this space to talk about bullying because 1500 characters is too little to tell that story. I enter not so much because I expect to win, but more to see kindness celebrated. It's clearly undervalued and I don't think it is enough to be kind though that is important. Nasty behavior is more noticed and given a public forum. I think kindness deserves at least equal time. Also, I am taking a stand ... against inspiring being the main reason to win. I write about depression in a journal, because you are shunned when you are depressed, in part because people are encouraged to keep only positive people in their lives. Depression is not understood. I truly hope my life has a part in changing this. I love being kind. I have lived my life that way. My hope is to see it celebrated more and for it to be valued and noticed in everyone's life.
For a moment I was thrilled. oh well ... Today, I feel good about my creativity in my active stance against bulling/bigotry and for helping and inspiring others to do likewise.

This is my next entry for Ellen's giveaway.

What I need is so much more basic than these luxuries, but giving is still possible & it’s rewarding & healing & kind of like food, only not fattening. I’d be more than thrilled, to see Brenda Lowe of Survivor win this in my stead, because I was so in awe & delighted by her kindness towards the 2 quitters who joined her the day after she was voted off. I would like to see that kindness celebrated & she was extraordinary in her instinctive response to the unexpected quitters.
Love being Kind, Leslie

Monday, December 20, 2010

Survivor invitation accepted.

Today I learned that my application to play Survivor on line was accepted. I am thrilled that being myself and letting the chips fall where they may worked ... but I would have ben ok if it hadn't worked because it would not have been right for me. I like that saying the truth and being honest as to who I am was appealing.

Last night I was blocked from survivor. I believe I was targeted because I stood up to the nasty, racist, obscene language used and while I did none that yesterday, I was blocked by face book and cannot invite anyone to be friends on facebook or comment on public forums. Given the complete lack of justification, it seems appalling that facebook has this policy that must count on volume verses content and accuracy of a complaint. The a loophole for bullies to target people who stand up to them. That there is no way to appeal and no way to see what you did that caused you to be warned and blocked, you are essentially helpless.

For me, shutting off my voice because I took a stand for not attacking others, is akin to being violated. No it is not the same, but it touches the same raw core. And it is certainly an attack. I was not the only one. So I think some people are pissed off at being censured.

Reminds me of being bullied as a child... and feeling so helpless...

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Oliver sent me his email address saying he rarely goes on facebook. so I sent him an email ... letting go...

Sending this because you said you don't go on Face book much.
I don't talk much to anyone ever anymore. I am a recluse.
I am not really battling much less winning re depression/anxiety.
You have always been kind to me and a good friend .. I treasure this memory. I stopped talking to you to keep it. It's selfish...I am sorry.
I pretend living in cyberspace and because I can feel normal and  at times enjoy interaction as though it was more real.
I survive, though I don't live well. My family knows but are not interested. I think they hope I lose my house ... and I hope I die first. I wish I was not learning just how poorly I can live and survive. It's worse than you would imagine and yet it doesn't kill me. So I can't complain.
I do wish you and children and Leigh a very merry Christmas.
I was never good at friendship ... Sorry for that, and for all the times I didn't come through with what I promised or intended.
Love Leslie
I don't think I will die by letting ... and I know I will be tempted to grasp onto my kids now and then, but I aim to not do that. It's enough to know they are well. And besides, I see small glimpses of Christie through what she posts.

I am out of wood inside and temperature is dropping back down to 40 degrees ... I need pants .. to do laundry go outside ...

I have princess pawing me for what she wants ... she doesn't like to be ignored ... or sometimes I think she wants to remind me not to let her go ... I really do think she lives to help me live.

Don't ask, don't tell ....

Passed! Finally, gay people can serve in the military openly. A first important step towards equality for those who are gay. And the first concrete step to society combatting the social inequality and non-acceptance that fuels the bullying of children and their suicide.

I found out the other day that my nephew Philip would not vote for gay marriage because the Catholic church does not support it. He would  vote to disallow this for others. His preference was civil unions, feeling that was enough. I said, sitting in the back of the bus was supposed to be enough, after all you got to ride the bus.

I understand the importance of separation of church and state. It is inconsistent with freedom to have the church involved in laws; the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is compromised without separation. Phil's position shows this as he would sacrifice someone else's liberty because of his religion.

For a diverse group of people to co-exist, freedom of others to live differently than us is paramount.

Tolerance is the only option for freedom. My nephew believes that because the Catholic church does not recognize or condone gay marriage, that he should not. But he is wrong. It is the Catholic's church's role to layout the rules for living a christian life, for which he has the choice to adhere to, not to dictate it for all. And the Catholic church preaches tolerance.

He blatantly, if not openly, commits adultery and is setting up his life to continue to do so, and yet that is one of the ten commandments ... so I will ask him why? and I suspect his answer is that he loved her ... which is why gay people want marriage. I suspect the truth behind his objection to gay marriage, isn't the church's law, but his own discomfort and revulsion to the idea. Possibly it is blind compliance but that doesn't completely make sense to me. He breaks the commandments by willingly engaging in adultery.

Freedom is often difficult to support when it is contrary to what our beliefs about god tell us is right, but more often, that is a merely a smokescreen for what really drives us to limit the freedom of others; that is our discomfort and distaste with having what we wish to prohibit visibly around us.

This is my email to Phil:
Now that Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been repealed that you are happier not be in the Navy anymore? ;)
One of the Ten Commandments says "Thou shalt not commit adultery," not to mention the one about coveting your neighbor's wife ... yet you are choosing to not only to commit adultery, but to arrange your life so as to be able to continue to do so. I don't agree with you about this, but I do want you to be happy and so I honestly wish you well. 
In light of this personal choice, I ask you, how can you claim that it is because the church tells you gay marriage is wrong, that you will not support it? Doesn't the church tell you adultery is wrong too? Consider that your argument against gay marriage (ie not willing to support it) to be more about your discomfort and distaste for that lifestyle and therefore not having thought it through. Your position is similar to that of those who watch someone being bullied and justify their non-action as not being a bully. 
Freedom for minorities does not happen unless enough of those in the majority stand up and fight it. Bullying stops when people stand up against those bullying. Jesus forgave the prostitute, not because he was advocating prostitution, but because he was advocating forgiveness. The reason for supporting gay marriage is not because you advocate it, but because you advocate freedom and equality.
I don't know where you stand on freedom. I do agree that the Catholic church has the right and duty to tell its followers how to live a good life and that can rightfully include not to sanctify gay marriage as valid. But I also know that choice is fundamental to the Catholic ideology as is forgiveness and redemption. You cannot have choice without freedom. It is not inconsistent to support the freedom of others who choose a lifestyle different from yours and be a devoted Catholic ... On the other hand, I don't know how you get around adultery.
I am not idealistic enough (actually a pragmatic pessimist is my style) to expect you to have changed your mind. After all, two wrongs do not make a right. But I have to ask you ... why do you allow yourself to commit adultery still? And I have to assume the answer is love. And then I would ask you ... why gay marriage ... answer is the same ... they want love, and family, and freedom, and equality. You would not want it to be illegal for you to engage in an adulterous relationship. That is ultimately between you and god ... and so it should be for gay people. It should not be a matter of secular law.
So perhaps you can better understand how I see supporting gay marriage law as a matter of freedom and not about agreement with that lifestyle. And it is critical to the well-being of children and to decrease the bullying. I don't think you can ever stop hate or intolerance, but you can limit it. Laws can support freedom when people don't.
Just something to think about. 
Love you, Auntie Leslie 
This is the follow up to our extensive interaction on facebook chat, where I slowly extracted his position on gay marriage. It is not in his nature to be confronted or confront others directly. But then he has me to push that about him. I didn't think about the adultery contradiction at the time ... so he gets this by email. He is the only person who fully understands how things are for me. He has been very generous. It is out of love for him and for freedom that I confront him and ask him to question his own thinking. In the end, I don't think he is likely to change his position, which is sad to me, but I would not be honest or loving or serious about my stand for freedom if I were not to at least ask him to consider it thoroughly.

I used to think they way he does, that it should be enough to have equal tax laws and civil unions. Because I saw it as a confronting the Catholic (among others) sacrament which came before the country took on marriage as a legal entity. I saw both sides of the issue and wondered why not a compromise. But when I watched Ellen interact with John McCain ... I saw how it was not ok to accept the compromise. Being able to ride the bus, but having to sit in the back of it, is just not enough. I wish I could remember what she said that made the connection for me. It was what she said and how she said it, that made me feel what it is like to be lesser than others. I have never personally connected to what "the pursuit of happiness" means. But at some point I got the importance of it .. it's not about being happy .. but having the the freedom and equality to pursue the life and dreams you want.

The principles on which our country was based are extraordinary. Many think it is the extremists/terrorists that pose the real threat to our freedom. They pose a threat of physical harm to people. They also flame intolerance. The real and only threat to our freedom is ourselves, our intolerance for those living differently to coexist equally with us peacefully. It is not the fear itself that is our weakness, but how we react to it. When we react by becoming intolerant (of all muslims for example), then we chip away at our foundation of equality and freedom for all.

Those who are intolerant are most fearful of tolerance, not of those whom they shun or wish to eradicate.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Letting go...

I think it is my moments of weakness when I succumb to feeling helpless so much that I reach out and ask for help.

No one can help me conquer depression. And any help offered which is designed to do that leaves the giver with feelings of failure at best, or else anger or frustration. Or gives the doctors a source of income.

I understand why it fundamentally and only my responsibility and that is why I probably (most likely) will fail and the rest of my life .. how ever long looks bleak with moments of reprieve.

To care about me and include me in your life is like stepping past the event horizon of a black hole. I am not sure it has to be that way ... but I am nearly certain that it is that way for those I love and wish would reach out to me. And I am assuming that there are people who do care and that I am loved.

I often wonder what it means to care about someone and to love them. For me, excluding those moments of weakness, it means letting go, letting them thrive without me.

Some people I let go of because it hurts me too much. Some I let go of so I won't have to hear them tell me it is my fault for being depressed and not doing what it takes to change it. It's not that I don't agree with them, it is just that telling me that is not going to make things better or change my inability to change.

It's hard to be sure if I don't change because I cannot or because I do not. I am not sure it really matters as the result is the same.

I suppose if I am able that everyone will feel righteous or guiltless or uninterested. I suppose if I am not, no one will ever know for sure, because the only way to be certain that I am able is for me to change.

I understand that I and everyone is responsible for our own self but I wonder why that means that one should let people reap the repercussions of their choices when kindness would make a difference.

We help people when natural disasters hit ,.. even when the hit again and again and again in the same places.

We think of depression as a disease to medicate and lock up, but also as a choice which people have the ability to overcome.

What is a choice is that I do not have to be cold. I could be warm in my parent's home. But today that means killing my dog. I don't have it in me to do that. It's arguable that I should do it anyway and that if I don't, I deserve what I make of that choice.

I suppose I keep trying to have my cake and eat it. I want my freedom and my dog on my terms and I want some way of getting the charity offered me in a way that I can use. That's not an option ... I haven't found a way to stay in Vermont and have family help me, even with the smallest gestures. No one wants to help sustain me if I live here. I just hope I die free. I want to live free, and I hope I succeed how ever I live or that I die trying.

That's not what I most want. What I most want is to thrive free.

At this moment I cannot remember the name of the women that I saw for more than a year for depression and anxiety. I can see the office, the stairs leading up, the couch, chairs , desk, but I cannot remember what was on the pillows or pictures ... or her name and possibly I would not recognize her face. My brother, Raimond, believes I should be able to; my brother Rich believes I don't care to know his children if I don't remember their names at a particular moment. But that's like saying to color blind person, you should be able to tell red from green. And therein lies the dilemma of what I can and cannot do. Rich's kids names are Maranda and Sommer and I know this now because of the unusual spelling and having helped my daughter with this for Christmas presents. What can I really do?

I just don't think it matters what the truth is ... what I do is what I do and whether or not I survive and how is just what it is.

I almost always keep the sadness and pain away from those I love, and I did let them know because it would have been wrong to have them never know and never have an opportunity to help, had they wanted to. In hindsight, though, I would have been kinder to never let them know and never ask them for help and to just die.

I am not a good enough person to not ever ask for what I want and to keep my personal failing to myself. It just doesn't matter if it is how I am or not, I was weak to indulge my desire to have those I love in my life and I am sorry for that.

I do write all this for myself. I would like to be forgiven. I would like to think that exposure of how it is like to lived depressed could become useful for other people ... most likely, if at all, after I die. I cannot erase from my being, my desire to matter.

I do not know how to matter to me .. somehow I feel I matter if I matter to other people. I understand this is not normal and it is a broken way to be. I don't think anyone ever fixes what is broken; I do believe, if I am lucky enough, I can have love anyway. I have had that at times in my life. I hope for that. I do know for a fact, that I am able to love and be kind, and when I see opportunities ... I do that.

And I have a mind and ideas that I can share.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Survivor invitation

Criminal Minds: William Shakespeare wrote:
"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."
I received an application to play a survivor game on-line. I would really enjoy it. I filled it out and have sent it to my daughter to comment on.

This is the application and the answers I am giving them:

Survivor World Application: 

1. Explain what makes you stand out more than the average person? So many ways to answer this question … I am kind, bright and quick-thinking, …(or you might notice I am also a large woman) … I am often blunt and can tend to be straightforward …you can tell a lot from my choices: facebook name is “all4kindnes4all” and twitter: “love2laugh4ever” and email:
2. Tell me something not many people know about you? I am a recluse.
3. Where do you work if you work at all? Used to run my own business, Now on disability.
4. What are your 5 best qualities? Kind, Genuine, Intelligent, Pragmatic Pessimist/flexible, Enjoy the moment for what it is and don’t want the past back just because it was good or better
5. What are your 3 worst qualities? Slob, Some what secretly enjoy the misfortunes of nasty people, Enjoy frustrating/annoying nasty/rude folk while being pleasant about it
6. What kind of people do you love? Family, Children, Kind, Witty, Genuine, fun/loving, Street smart/quick
7. What kind of people do you hate? Bigots, Mean/Cruel, Shallow, blind followers, abusive, greedy at others expense, bullies, politicians/lawyers
8. What is your favorite survivor season? WHY? Liked them all … find human interaction fascinating, they blur together for me as I can’t remember faces/names and a time sequence thing that interferes, I enjoy the craziness and the various ways people opt to play; but I suppose the one where the women totally manipulated the guys and the kid gave his immunity to prove he was trustworthy … I really like clever strategy and very stupid moves are a blast to watch. In that same season the big guy went home with 2 idols in his pocket … I think that was best season.
9. What is your least favorite survivor season? WHY? Probably this last one as the balance of players was poorly designed as was the teams, even the players among the teams, more about extreme drama/nuttiness than great plays (even though I have enjoyed it thoroughly) or possibly the 1st. because no one had played before and their ability to adapt was limited by no experience and too many were easily manipulated…but that would only be from the perspective of the rest and that fact is that I would have to re-watch them all and then I might have a different answer … Still all are fun to watch for their own quirks, people are always interesting even when unlikable.
10. Who are your 5 favorite players? WHY? Parvarty (clever/sneaky and so upfront about it and still she survives/ and she manipulated Russell), Sandra (she doesn’t have to be in charge, but is loyal to a functional point, and smart, understands how to win… and she totally played Russell), Cirie (fun/humor, clever … she sticks out when people rarely do), Big black guy who had 2 idols … likable and funny + Brenda this season (I really liked her style, intelligence … she has real potential because her confidence is not arrogance … she is willing to learn)
11. Who are your 5 least favorite players? WHY? Dan (totally useless and mean under fire), Russell (too arrogant/focuses on using women and doesn’t get the full nature of the game and whines about it), Fairplay … (just too sleazy turned quitter), Coach (the arrogance with the false sense of integrity was slimy/annoying), Jimmy (coach this season – cause though likable he played the game not to win ie useless)… most don’t stick in my mind … 
12. In this game would you be more or a hero or a villain? Why? More Hero than Villain, but very willing to mislead someone and do it with honesty (There is a place for truthfulness … would lie to my kids face so as not to ruin Christmas or a surprise … point of the game is to win … stupid to put truth over playing the game, but wouldn’t be mean ... there are other ways to do something than to be mean. I can be very blunt.)
13. What would be the nicest thing you would do in this game? Not sure of the parameters do I don’t know what I might do ... but if it doesn’t mess with the game play, I would tend to be nicer than most.
14. What would be the meanest thing you would do in this game? I would be able to straight out lie to a gullible person to move forward. Hard to say …. Willing to participate or instigate but not sure it would not be my first instinct; but to remove an arrogant/rude player … I could surprise myself. In a virtual world mean is less clear ... but in reality, I cannot recall ever being mean.
15. If you knew someone was cheating would you tell us? Depends on the rules … If that is a deal breaker that should terminate you … most likely (if it is a very gray situation – I might think long and hard about it), especially likely if part of agreeing to play the game is to do that … cause it would ruin the integrity … & probably yes if I believed the integrity of the game was compromised, but would leave to you to decide what that meant. Hard to be sure in the abstract. I don’t blindly follow rules, and I don’t tend to break them.
16. Would you rather win the title of sole survivor or $1 million? $1 million dollars … who cares about the title that much… the money would change my life and my children’s and allow me to do phenomenal generous things… (I’d be stupid to want the title more and lying to say otherwise)
17. If you had an idol would you possibly give it to an ally? Only if it really meant furthering me in the game (not like Marty did) … I am flexible … but I wouldn’t tell anyone I had it … the last option would be to give it away, but if strategically smart … absolutely.
18. What kind of player would you be in this game? EXPLAIN IN DETAIL The kind of player I would be would most likely be influenced by the makeup of my tribe. I would be assessing that constantly, I would initially/automatically be nice, tend to naturally contribute, befriend folk, listen, and never nasty to spice the game up. I really can’t picture how the game works, but I tend to be a person who gets involved, don’t typically take a leadership role and I don’t feel inclined to run things. I play hard and would contribute my best. I tend to be good at being the grease the makes the contraption move smoothly as it gives me perspective and involvement. I expect to come off as intelligent. I can lead and am not afraid to step up at a given moment if that is best way to help in a task or challenge. It’s easy to speculate and hard to really know.
19. How many nights per week can you strategize? Totally flexible … as many as I can … I can get obsessive if I am having fun … I can make any night free or every night free.
20. How many hours per night can you strategize? As long as it takes … I have no limitations … time flies when I am enjoying myself 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

blankets fresh from the dryer

Nothing like a blanket fresh from the dryer to warm the soul. Made me recall Caught In A Swirl of Thought and to revise it ... nothing is ever over until I am gone.

always toughest just before I do something

Just like it is always darkest before dawn ... It's always the worst just before I do something ... like starting the fire in my wood stove ... not the one in my microwave.... yes I did that and posted it on face book:
Hypothetically speaking, do you know what happens to a slice of frozen bread when you microwave it for 33 seconds only you hit the 3 one extra time? ... It turns totally black and then bursts into a huge flame!
And yes, I wish I knew only hypothetically too!
A little levity may not change anything but at least you get to laugh.

Before I lit the fire it seemed impossible and that it was going to get much worse. I was cold, tired, and sleepy, and wanting to just try and drift off. Hard to understand how I manage to succeed in the face of impossibility that is all in mind ... that I can does not surprise me ... that I manage to do it, does. Maybe it's princess here, loving me, showing no signs of dying, needing me. Maybe it is the fear of losing my freedom if I freeze and don't die; maybe it is simply inevitable as long as time passes and I don't die.

Now it is 40 degrees in here. A long way from being warm enough ... but moving in that direction.

Bathing in impossibility is a harsh place to be hanging out. Distraction is always welcome ... the fire in microwave preceded the fire in my wood stove! Maybe that did it for me ... I didn't laugh out loud .. but in my head I did see it as funny ...  after I noticed how spaced out and disconnected I was to cooking food for myself, and after I put it out and finished cooking some beef and heating more frozen bread. My smoke alarm went off in middle of putting it out and cooking and Princess started to cry ... and I worried about her. Having someone to love right in-your-face makes it easier for me to act. It was thinking about her next to me that got me out of bed in the first place ... to burn the bread ... to start the wood stove's fire.


Criminal Minds: George Washington said:
"Let your heart feel for the afflictions and distress of everyone."
Somewhere I read that kindness and truth were ideals ... kindness is so easy why isn't it a natural response? I love people. Easily. I love understanding them ... empathy is a part of love for me. They are intertwined with kindness.

Criminal Minds: Herman Melville: 
"Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity, nothing exceeds the criticisms of the habits of the poor, by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed."
I posted this on face book adding:
(It's way too easy to assign blame and tell those less well off to suck it up and manage.)
It breaks my heart to know what it means to be human ... I am ashamed and disgusted by it. Ironically, by how I live my life as well, despite my kindness and empathy. And yet I love people. No wonder I am screwed.

And then I posted this:
Kindness and empathy are not only undervalued, they are considered a luxury to, at most, be afforded fleetingly, during holidays or in the wake of horrific disasters.
Only when we look inwardly and reflect on the implications of our choices, is change remotely possible.
As a pragmatic pessimist I encourage you to quote me. 
I am struggling to keep warm .. to keep the fire lit ... to take the focused effort to light my heater ... and I am not doing well. It's back down to 39 degrees inside from over 50 degrees yesterday. I am tired and cold and leaving my bed is hard.... even for the most basic things. Problem is that even when I do succeed, it is not enough to mean anything more than I made it though that moment, because it is just as hard every time. And even when it seems easier, the next moment or the one after it is not. Without anyone interested the bar keeps dropping lower and lower. Unless I fail, I will get the heater started and I will be warmer ... but when and what will it cost me .... cold days I lived through? broken pipes that froze? And there is always the question of "if" not "when" ... because I will not know approaching the end looks like until it has happened and I get there.

It is not a good sign that I post this. It means I am losing the battle. I am speaking out loud and I am not being heard.

I really think the last sentence I posted tells you everything about how I am. I want the world be a better place and I don't see that as possible, but I am unwilling not to try because I am willing to be wrong. In my own life, I ask for help and I know I am not heard, but I ask anyway, because I am willing to be wrong.

I know the implications of my choices ... and yet I still struggle ... and so far I have survived, but not well.... surviving well is not a requirement of surviving.

To know that I need help to live marginally well is humiliating ,,, hard to ensure I succeed ... so not surprising that I don't. It is hard to see how horribly I am doing when I look outside myself. That am I am able to love and be kind and have empathy does not indicate anything about how I am doing living.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

knowing from NCIS

Listening to NCIS in the background, I caught thisL
"We don't know anything until we know everything."
I thought ... man ... that's a universal truth (ironic categorization). Our whole perception and understanding of everything is a hypothesis, no more ... Just because it is useful and helps us manage reality, doesn't make it actually true. Applies to itself ... cool.

Thinking about it tickles my mind, Now if only I could get the fire going strongly again. My feet are cold.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Brenda Lowe of this season's survivor

Brenda Lowe has been my favorite survivor and the person I wanted to win since pretty much the beginning. Like my son, she is charming. She's a great strategist and while she did make a key mistake in the game and ended up voted off, she still remains my favorite. I like her confidence and her clarity about who she is and how she is and her adherence to that behavior. But it was the day after she was voted off, when the 2 quitters quit, that she most impressed me. I expected her to at least think ... man, couldn't it have rained hard the night before ... or want ask them  ... gee how come you voted me out if you wanted to quit? But she did neither. Nor did she complain in any way to them. In fact, she convinced another jury member to welcome them as she did. Moreover, she went out her way to listen them and to not judge them and celebrate with them in a "girls" slumber party. And while she admitted that none of their explanations made any sense to her, she still listened without countering them. It was the most kind and generous act I have seen, and one that did not occur to me. So I am writing Ellen.
Dear Ellen, I love your show, for the kindness and for the laughter. And I wondered if you might celebrate this year's survivor, Brenda Lowe, for her extraordinary act of kindness. She was my favorite player because she was charming and smart and kind. While she made a key mistake and was voted off, it was what she did the very next night when two 2 players quit that most impressed me. 1st she convinced a fellow jury member to welcome them and be kind; 2nd she asked they why and just listened without judgment. She also spent that night, having a girl’s slumber party, with them while they talked. They quit because of cold rain and hunger with 11 days left. She admits what they said made no sense, , yet she treated them as people in the real world, because that's where they were now, never even thinking .. gee why didn't rain hard the night before? There has been so much hate on the blog because of one of the quitters, that I thought her act extraordinary and worthy of celebration. I have taken vocal stands against the racial hate towards both one of the quitters and her and have been bullied with obscenities because of it. I hope you could support that stand and allow her to win one of your giveaways, or to just be on your show. It would warm my heart to see her kindness celebrated. While I realize that you could never help me, because you need positive examples, and being clinically depressed, that is something I could never be, it helps me to see kindness celebrated.
Just sent this. I hope this happens as I will feel heard an know that my voice matters.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Twitter is fun ... weird

A few people follow me on twitter who make sense and a few do not. TheBrowHouse (all about eyebrow shaping), one who does not, however, has some interesting quote about love.
The more I think it over, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people. - Vincent van Gogh
Vincent van Gogh is a favorite of mine ever since he was portrayed on Doctor Who. 
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. - Sophocles
It's not the word that frees us, loving does; so does feeling loved.
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. - Peter Ustinov
I liked getting definitions of love when I was high school senior. These while not definitions are true at times about love.
Hellen Keller - The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched -- they must be felt with the heart. 
I think it would be more accurate to say that all experience is enhanced when felt with the heart.
“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it” - Confucius
What is ironic is that this tweeter is a Make-Up person. However this next one is a killer... hysterical:
“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.” Oscar Wilde
If by "better" he means more acceptable in society ... then yes. I would rather be kind and obese and ugly than unkind, thin, and beautiful, but I would like to think these are not the only options.  "Good" is an unclear term but I would rather be good than evil and I would give up beauty or choose ugly for that choice without question. So... doesn't surprise me that I don't fit in at all.

I like thinking about stuff that I find interesting ...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

more criminal minds repeats

Criminal Minds: Thomas Paine:
"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace."
It comes down to this with my children. It is in my weakest moments that I wish they would want me more, otherwise, I am content to know they are living their lives and thriving.

Criminal Minds: Writer Madeleine Engel:
"When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. But, to go up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable."
This reality sucks in light of an anxiety disorder ... where safety is paramount, and where it is never real. Still, knowing that doesn't change how I am driven. Safety is still paramount ... but the illusion that it is not is one I can have and do have easily, whenever I feel safe. Yet, all I have to do is to look at the periphery to see where the fear lingers waiting to consume me. Today, the periphery is just outside my door, but it doesn't really matter where it lies, it never disappears and I am always stumbling into it or avoiding it or occasionally stepping into it, when fear drives into it, because it is not just one fear. Fear is ever present and unavoidable. At best, I keep it a bay for short periods of reprieve. And it is in that space of reprieve that I feel normal and I begin to believe that there is hope and that I have a chance to live differently. It doesn't matter that I know that the belief is an illusion, it still comes and it still feels possible. The very fact that our perception is a filter means that it is always an illusion ... and that applies to the fear... and knowing still doesn't change anything, even though there are moments when it seems to. When you know and you feel it ... that brings the sadness ... and you taste hopelessness.

Most recent Criminal Minds: Writer Oscar Wilde:
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."
I still hang onto the hope that my children forgive me someday, because I know, that despite all the good I have been to them, the blessings of having me raise them and love who they are as they are, still does not outweigh how I am; who I am does not seem to outweigh how I am either. Please forgive me. I am so sorry.

My daughter just tweeted someone's reference to anti smoking research. The article pointed out the impact of possibly smoking one cigarette and 2nd hand smoke on genetics and lifespan and impact on those with other conditions. I have had some fun. I love interacting with her. My complaint was stats too quick to conclude causal relationship to the extent they did. She bombarded back which I loved. I love discussion and debate ... I like thinking through ideas.

Here was out twitter interaction starting with the article retweeted by my daughter, NerdyChristie:
SmokeAnywhere: One cigarette a day damages DNA, and can be deadly  
love2laugh4ever (me): @smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie sounds ominous ... how about smog? How can anyone pinpoint the differences? Just hype and misdirection, maybe?
love2laugh4ever@smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie explain my childhood bingo with loads of smokers in the 80's & 90's? .. manipulative hype I think. [meant their 80's and 90's]
love2laugh4ever@smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie just because cigarettes are bad for you and kill many ... unlikely sole cause, nor 2nd hand. 
love2laugh4ever@smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie ... some articles drive me crazier than others... ya think?? ;)
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever Smoke is much more concentrated than smog, ESP for the actual smoker 
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever Just because something can mutate DNA and be deadly doesn't mean it does every time: just that you risk it every time
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever And the article says cigs aren't usually the sole cause of death, and that risk is much higher in ppl with other conditions 
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever The better q is why bingo ladies survived so long... What about their genetic makeup makes them resistant to mutation? :)
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie bingo women and men ... quite a memory ... some in their 90's and the room was always full ... from just one small town.. 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Smoke is much more concentrated than smog, ESP for the actual smoker 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie good Q. too. But still so many more causes ... how can one be singled out so easily? Stats always piss me off... ;) 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Most math always made sense to me ... I dreamed in it like dreaming in french. got D- in statistics ... totally nutty to me
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Scientists tend to research what they expect to be true & then end up proving it. eg sickle cell+black; yet black irrelevant
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie and yet I love science ... but now it makes sense I hated lab! LOL
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie mutate DNA .. a cool thing to see and learn .. but if one... how many more? Which is significant? Who cares if u get nailed? 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie re smoking ... like how i cringe at outlandish conclusions & u see the awesome kernels of useful research & implications 
My daughter then tweeted a link to cool blog post about same-sex mice making baby mice which I shared on facebook and a link to discover's list of cool articles, the first of which caught my attention:
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Yet the decline effect’s ubiquity seems to violate the laws of statistics. ...
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie This suggests that the decline effect is actually a decline of illusion.... 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie The decline effect is troubling because it reminds us how difficult it is to prove anything. ... need this article ;( 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie hate to know we can't really know anything for sure.  [my Is It Ever Just poem]
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie or re knowing from my lighter side: [my Reflection On Dog poem]
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie re smoking ... like how i cringe at outlandish conclusions & u see the awesome kernels of useful research & implications 
NerdyChristie: @love2laugh4 and that's why I'm a scientist ;)
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie and why I am a poet ;) 
got distracted from Criminal Minds for a bit ... back to skimming ones I have seen before

Criminal Minds: John Calvin:
"The torture of a bad conscience is the hell of a living soul."
And no one is free from regrets. Certainly not me.

Criminal Minds: Mahatma Gandhi said:
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
For me, I feel both intimately.

Criminal Minds: Francis Bacon
"In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."
There are moments when I see my core self ... who I am ... as the brightly shining light, and there are other moments when I mostly see the darkness present.

Criminal Minds: George Chakiris:
"No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." 
I think what I learned from the survivor quitters, is that suicide is quitting, because I have not reached my limits of despair and because dark moments always have an element of light, which is why a future moment can always be darker and why another moment yet to happen is always lighter. Pain always subsides, even if does return, even if worse than ever before.

I am always surprised by the relevancy of the order of episodes and when I happen to watch them. (Of course I don't always put in all the quotes.) Should I be more surprised were I to learn that it is me listening and filtering that causes the relevancy, that luck and feeling blessed is only a matter of noticing? Is it because I look, that I see? Or is it because of how I am ... so unable to think within the box, because for me there are no boxes? I connect anything to anything else however different because that is how I see, like connecting black holes to depression, like what fascinated me in what I read today and in all quotes of criminal minds. Not the why actually matters.... but I find it interesting.... and sometimes it has thinking I am important, that I matter, that I am interesting ... In a universe so vast, it is improbably that I matter, and yet, it seems necessary as part of being human to believe the illusion that I do; cause it seems impossible to shake off that I do, no matter obvious that I cannot matter seems to be.

Criminal Minds: An old Russian proverb:
"There can be no good without evil."
That sounds accurate but is it? I would think we might not it as good ... but it would fine with me to not know and have just good. Maybe by seeing the distinction we invite more evil than there would be were we not to notice ... the way animals seem to be. Maybe the tree of knowledge of the bible is about bringing evil into our hearts and staining our innate goodness.

Perfection is unattainable as is being solely good ... and yet I fault myself for being neither; I take away from the good because of when I fail to be what I would like and because I could have been or so I think.

Criminal Minds: Leo Tolstoy:
"Happy families are all alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
Again, sounds accurate, but is it? This is probably the perspective of someone from an unhappy family. I suspect that happy families are happy in their own unique way, the way marriages work well when they do, but never in the same way, for the same reasons. I have noticed people on facebook spouting similar profundities, which upon a closer inspection are not really about wisdom at all; they are all about surface and have little substance or depth.

Criminal Minds: British historian, James A Froude:
"Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the one for whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself."
Which is why we see animals as innocent. Children are innocent for a time, however brief. We morn the loss of our innocence, we cling to our childhood, or at least to the idea of childhood, of being innocent.

About Me

United States
speaking to a universe without ears