heart

Criminal Minds: George Washington said:

"Let your heart feel for the afflictions and distress of everyone."

Somewhere I read that kindness and truth were ideals ... kindness is so easy why isn't it a natural response? I love people. Easily. I love understanding them ... empathy is a part of love for me. They are intertwined with kindness.

Criminal Minds: Herman Melville: 

"Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity, nothing exceeds the criticisms of the habits of the poor, by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed."

I posted this on face book adding:

(It's way too easy to assign blame and tell those less well off to suck it up and manage.)

It breaks my heart to know what it means to be human ... I am ashamed and disgusted by it. Ironically, by how I live my life as well, despite my kindness and empathy. And yet I love people. No wonder I am screwed.

And then I posted this:

Kindness and empathy are not only undervalued, they are considered a luxury to, at most, be afforded fleetingly, during holidays or in the wake of horrific disasters.

Only when we look inwardly and reflect on the implications of our choices, is change remotely possible.

As a pragmatic pessimist I encourage you to quote me. 

I am struggling to keep warm .. to keep the fire lit ... to take the focused effort to light my heater ... and I am not doing well. It's back down to 39 degrees inside from over 50 degrees yesterday. I am tired and cold and leaving my bed is hard.... even for the most basic things. Problem is that even when I do succeed, it is not enough to mean anything more than I made it though that moment, because it is just as hard every time. And even when it seems easier, the next moment or the one after it is not. Without anyone interested the bar keeps dropping lower and lower. Unless I fail, I will get the heater started and I will be warmer ... but when and what will it cost me .... cold days I lived through? broken pipes that froze? And there is always the question of "if" not "when" ... because I will not know approaching the end looks like until it has happened and I get there.

It is not a good sign that I post this. It means I am losing the battle. I am speaking out loud and I am not being heard.

I really think the last sentence I posted tells you everything about how I am. I want the world be a better place and I don't see that as possible, but I am unwilling not to try because I am willing to be wrong. In my own life, I ask for help and I know I am not heard, but I ask anyway, because I am willing to be wrong.

I know the implications of my choices ... and yet I still struggle ... and so far I have survived, but not well.... surviving well is not a requirement of surviving.

To know that I need help to live marginally well is humiliating ,,, hard to ensure I succeed ... so not surprising that I don't. It is hard to see how horribly I am doing when I look outside myself. That am I am able to love and be kind and have empathy does not indicate anything about how I am doing living.