Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Still cold

It has finally warmed up to 43 degrees inside. It was a gloomy cloudy day so the house didn't warm up well. I haven't changed. I am getting used to eating less, though I fantasize about food. Maybe I will go out tonight. I have a potato and a piece of bread. I have cans of tomatoes too. I have a whole lot of fat to use up so I won't starve. When I do go out, I will buy a whole bunch of dog food, especially canned food.

I feel anxious and I am less and less interested in anything. I don't look forward to anything. I am just tired.

There Christmas cartoons on tonight. I wish I would do just one or two of the things I imagine doing every day.

I am really disappearing. I am so sad.

Tomorrow will get a bit better. There is survivor on. I feel as connected to the survivor fan from Malaysia as I do my children. If there is a god, I will die quietly, sooner than later. I hurt.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Another cold day

It started out at 40 degrees in here. Now it is 42. But over the next week, the weather will get warmer. If I can get out today to Walmart, I could buy an electric blanket and dog food and warm gloves and stuff to last at least 2 months. If I move the exposed wood next to the house I could get it inside easier and if I went in town once more in December, I could have enough food through February.

It looks like I have to pay for my car so I have to keep the heat way down. but under enough blankets, I feel warm. Biggest question is how to manage my mortgage, Any way. It looks plausible. I should make it. I don't think I can take Princess with me outside anymore, so I have to make a way for her not to get hurt if she moves off the bed. I think moving the couch will work. Also, I want to dump stuff off at good will. That means going during the day ... that's harder, but I want less and less.

It all seems complicated and I am tired. I wonder what I will have not done or done in 2 weeks or a month. I wonder if I can pull off this winter ... still doable. I think.

I am losing interest in almost everything. I am feeling less though the sadness slips through. And its cold.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Belief

Criminal Minds: Robert Oxton Bolt wrote:
"A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses, it is an idea that possesses the mind."
Reality and belief have a whole lot in common. Both are filtered through the mind.

 Criminal Minds: Albert Einstein said:
"The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy?"
Both. I like this quote. I like math too.

Criminal Minds: Eugene Ionesco wrote:
"Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."
I have had dreams.  Dreams are like memories ... they fade over time ... easy to wonder whether any of them were ever real ... sometimes.

Today we had a dusting of snow. Time is running out for getting the wood pile inside. Yesterday, I forgot to put the pancake mix back in the fridge ... mice got into it. Now I have only frozen bread. Still I have not left the house. Not yet.

Love

Criminal Minds: Euripides said:
"When love is in excess, it brings a man no honor, nor worthiness."
Perhaps when love is an obsession or out of need, but loving others without yourself in mind has no excess. Dogs love like that.

Criminal Minds: Shakespeare wrote:
"Nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable."

Friday, November 26, 2010

life continues

MIldred Lisette Norman wrote:
"Anything you cannot relinquish, when it has outlived its usefulness, possesses you. And in this materialistic age, a great many of us are possessed by our possessions."
I am constantly imagining letting go of all of my stuff, especially that I don't want anymore. I don't seem to do it. I can't decide if it is more about the effort, or the attachment. What's odd to me is that I seem attached to things that I don't even want. As though the clutter gives me comfort and chokes me in the same breath.


Criminal Minds: Isaac Asimov said:
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate."
That is the flaw in living through TV. Movies end, TV Series stop, but my life goes on. Repeatedly living in the past moments or in episodes I have seen before, is a shallow comfort, but it is not non-existent.


Yesterday, was a day I was looking forward to for a long time, because my neighbor has brought me dinner on Thanksgiving. She did not. I know I was hoping to ask her and her son to look out for me this winter, if I got too snowed in, but that's no longer possible.


Yesterday, I told my son that I had turned off my long distance to save money. I need to do that today. My daughter didn't call. I could tell by her email the other day to my request regarding following up with my mother and the car payments that she would not talk to me. I made a mistake. I am so sorry.


Criminal Minds: Mother Teresa:
"Life is a game, play it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it."
Suicide indicators (per criminal minds): prior attempts, period of deep depression, withdrawal from family members, spontaneous proclamations of love (to family, sort of like a good bye). Except for the prior attempts, which I only do in my mind, I fit this. I imagine what to leave my children and I always tell them I love them.


"It gets better." Unless it doesn't. I does not always get better .... There sometimes are only moments of reprieve.


On the other hand, my daughter's song is probably right ... I never take that final step ... home.


Criminal Minds: C. S. Lewis:
"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My god do you learn."
What do you learn is the more interesting question. I learned not to ask for help that was out of my control, that could make things worse. Then I just turned 18, but I learned. That hospital was brutal 3 day lesson ... actually it was late Friday night until Monday morning, but it seemed like an eternity, Had they been more competent, they would have known, that they kept me just long enough to break, to consider that is was better to give in and to want to. I don't expect I showed that to them, but I showed it to me and that's all that really matters anyway. Then I didn't want to die. I wanted help. I was in such desperate need. But never again have I let my guard down like that. At 18 I was naive. Losing control, letting go, falling into the abyss, that terrifies me. How else could I endure suffering so long. Letting go is worse. But it is not about afterwards. If I just teleport to afterwards, I would already be dead. There may be a lot worse than how I am, but the humiliation and disgust and the complete lack of any redeeming quality of how I suffer, seems worse, but that may be because I endure this type of pain. Maybe I would change my mind if I suffered what I could not endure.


Criminal Minds: F. Scott Fitzgerald:
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."
I am no hero ... my life is not a tragedy .. it is waste and insignificant ... worth nothing but overlooking.


You would think 44 degrees would be too cold. But it is warmer inside now, at this temperature, than it was. It seems positive somehow that I endure... and depressing and disgusting that I still don't do anything about it.


Criminal Minds: Helen Keller:
"Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."
If your own life is not a worthy purpose, you can not reach for or effectively pursue anything higher.


Criminal Minds: Painter William Dobell:
"A sincere artist ... tries to create something which, in itself is a living thing."
The full quote is:
"A sincere artist is not one who makes a faithful attempt to put on to canvas what is in front of him, but one who tries to create something which is, in itself, a living thing."
I write poetry and journal as a substitute for living life, to try to breathe life into my own life. I am self-absorbed. But in those moments when I am creating, I am not. There is a brief reprieve in distraction and in involvement.


Criminal Minds: Ghandi said:
"I have seen children successfully surmount the effects of an evil inheritance. That is due to purity being an inherent attribute of the soul."
My parents did their best to protect me and to give me the best childhood and education. They still as an adult came to my aid when I needed help. But they have given up. But not the lack of willingness and trying. My father understands that he is too old to change. What he doesn't know is that he never could change in any way he didn't see as right. He stopped smoking cold turkey one day, when his doctor convinced him that he would die if he did not. What he sees as right he does. It may look like a change of course, but it is always what he believes is right. My parents gave up because I let them go and made it easier. My father could not bully me into being different, and I knew that I could no longer be nice or kind while he continued to do so as long as I did not change. One could easily say that we are alike (both stubborn) and that I am more stubborn than he is, at least I am more effective ... sort of ... because he has not changed either.


I am eating less. Yes, I am running out of food, so I make it last, but I also eating less and not being hungry or wanting to eat. My nose is extremely cold and so are fingers which are red, even as I type. And I think the struggle against the cold feels better ... or makes me feel better somehow ... like the way pain can at times. I know I am not doing well today. I am moving deeper into the abyss.


Criminal Minds: Benjamin Franklin:
"To follow by faith alone is to follow blindly."
Even when you see the bigger picture, stubbornness is blind too. It is an illusion to believe you understand all the forces in play. Faith is blind, knowing is an illusion. In between the lines of what is unsaid is hope and hopelessness.


Princess is tenacious. She has no intention of giving up on me. She has a more limited lifespan than I but how limited is unknown and she may not walk, but she showing no signs of giving up or wanting to let go. I believe she knows she is needed and wanted and loved. Hard to know which of these motivates her more. She just wills to live.


Criminal Minds: Ayn Rand:
"Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it."
Plausible deniability. Am I sane or insane? Do I follow reason or have I abandoned it? I would say: beware of where reason lead you, as you may not wish that you followed, for having followed, there is no turning back.


Criminal Minds: Thomas Fuller:
"A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell!"
That sounds deeper than it is. Only a fool would a vacation is paradise, without debt, hell. Only a fool would find reprieve in what others would call hell. Inherent in black and white is a lack of shades of gray. I do suppose though, that a wise man's hell would be ignorance. If this is not was meant by the quote, it surely could have been. However, knowledge has limitations, it has its own kind of hell in what is not able to be. But a wise man would know that and would not find that hell. He would not find hell in his ignorance. I do enjoy irony. Like I said, the quotation is seductively deeper on its surface.


Criminal Minds: Poet Phaedrus:
"Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what is carefully hidden..."
I utilize this truth in the way that I minimize interaction, and thereby leave an impression that is very far from reality.  And then I haunt or perhaps taunt those who love me, by brutally telling the truth, in minimal doses, in a way that makes hearing it nearly impossible. What they hear is not believed, because they believe they have seen evidence to the contrary. The evidence that validates the truth is easily overlooked no matter how blatant it is. It is also easy to substitute memories for the current reality of what you see or use them as evidence to contradict the truth. Also, glimpses of contradictions are grasped on as evidence; it is only human to always grasp onto evidence that supports what we want to believe, especially when the truth is so impossible to want to know or have be real. Besides, it not only takes intelligence, but also an unbiased desire to see what it real, to want to really know.


Sometimes I think by living I torture my daughter. I think being open to her advances is a good thing and that cutting off mine is a good thing too. I am sorry that I have overburdened my daughter, but I am not sorry for that which I have not burdened my son.


In our brief conversation, I felt his innocence and his love, and the child I love so dearly. He is precious to me. Christie is precious to me as well. I feel guilty that I relied on her more. She didn't deserve that. I think I pushed her too far. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to find her limit; in a moment of weakness I only wanted her help. I was cold. I'm colder now, but not as weak. Besides it has warmed up to 45 degrees in here.


Read between the lines, between the quotes and comments to see how I am truly living. Today, it is Triple Yatzee and Spades ... over and over and over ... that is how it is every day ... the in between that is unseen. I live in the in between; in between moments of pleasure, of memories, of TV, of eating, of sleeping. In a real way, everything is in between.


Fighting the cold is just something to do with my time.


Criminal Minds: Bob Dylan once said:
"I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can't touch with decay."
It's getting dark and it is starting to get colder ... didn't quite reach 46 degrees ... and now it is getting colder.


I would like to thing Christie can have a great life and be untainted by me. The longer I live, the better equipped she is to do so.


Criminal Minds: Sigmund Freud:
"No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips. Betrayal oozes out of him at every pore."
There is no need to be able to keep secrets when no one want to listen anyway. But still I am careful. I tell people just enough to be safe and still hope for help.


Irony from my favorite comedian Craig Ferguson at http://yfrog.com/j6ufw0j :

ufw0.jpg

Hollywood from behind the facade.


No one would like to see what I am behind my ugly obese facade. 


Criminal Minds: British Historiam C. Northcote Parkinson
"Delay is the deadliest form of denial."
I had not this before even though I has seen this episode, this didn't sink into my memory. Delay tactics are used in politics. But in life, delay is all about avoiding ... delaying going to the store is denying I have no real intention of going. I delay day by day and it stretches into weeks and then into months and now years ... I hold onto this negative, "not doing" behavior, like one might cling to cliff edge or to a rope so as not fall, and feels like stubbornness, almost like a pissed off child, as though in a tantrum, like saying I will never grow up.


Criminal Minds: Winston Churchill said:
"There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues of human society are created, strengthened, and maintained."
That is nothing profound in this when you realize that is both the best and worst in us that comes from family and home.


Criminal Minds: Mario Puzo wrote:
"The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other."
That is true about any human relationship including the one with oneself.


Criminal Minds: Stuart Chase:
"For those who believe no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible."
This sounds true, but it only for true believers and unbelievers. No proof is possible for that which requires faith or belief, so ... This is more of a definition than insight.


It is now 6:11 pm and I have come to the end of the criminal mind shows recorded. Life continues... or I thought I did, but I have just caught up to the marathon and now am live ... that's ironic.


Criminal Minds: George Bernard Shaw:
"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
No matter how I tell my story or what I tell, unlikely communication will have taken place.


One of my favorite Criminal Minds quotes by Jacques Rigaut:
 "Don't forget that I cannot see myself, that my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."
Maybe the true blessing is that I cannot. Looking ahead, the episode marathon plays on through 3am.


Mt toes are numb and I can't get them warm.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving

My son called today. In a way he saved my life, cause he wouldn't want me to die. Up to now, I thought he didn't want me, that he was mad or disgusted. He is just living his life. I am so sad today. I don't think Christie will call. But she is having a happy thanksgiving with friends and those she loves.

It's cold. I am so tired of living. Too tired. But I am not angry at anyone. So I live one more day.It's 43 degrees inside. I am just cold.

I wonder if that nice neighbor is going to bring dinner today life she has for the past 2 years. I only have bread, pancake mix, and a couple of potatoes. I hope she does. But I won't be hungry if she doesn't. Not yet.

Family...

Criminal Minds are repeats ... like so much I write. Poet Haniel Long said:
"So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability, because it measures our sense of loyalty."
Everything seems to come back to family ... there is no escaping that. Dropping below 50 in here again.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to write that email to Rich. I am working on it and taking a breather for some distance and perspective. My goal is to send it tomorrow.

Criminal Minds: Writer Cyril Connolly said:
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public have no self."

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Strings to anything

I don't want to admit it but my ties to my son are gone. He doesn't want me in his life. I know he loves me but that's more and more like an idea. My daughter has let go. She loves me too. It's too painful for her. It's probably too hard for Kian too. The only strings left are Princess and memories. I am still tied to liking my wall of photos, but at some point I need to take it all down and pack it up for them to have.

I want to give away a lot of things. I have given up any idea that I could make money anymore. I may or may not sell books but the rest, if it doesn't hold meaning for me now, I want it all gone. It's hard to pull off getting everything out of here, I probably won't. But it would be better to leave less junk for my kids.

I write this now, because I am still not close enough so I can say it and keep at a distance. But I see this horrible thought inside that says .... now that I am gone are you wishing I wasn't or are you relieved as I am that I am no longer here ... Part of me wants to be angry, wants to yell out .. I told you the truth but I never spoke the truth about knowing that I do not matter ... Yes I am one of those people who wants to be found, wants someone to want to find me enough to look ... I would loved to have asked Phil ... Do you know why people walk away from me, because I know you know? ... I might ask him. I might not.

How do you ever know that today is the day before the last day ... Christie wrote that beautiful song where she never takes that final step ... but that's not real ... that's how she hope it is. Nothing is like the songs or the movies, sooner or later I will let go and stop grasping onto the past or attempt to pull on the good in my life.

The only thing that would keep me going would be my mother needing me. (Well ... being wanted but that's so not real) But I think my father has more years left than I do.I could be wrong.

Sometimes I imagine walking away from the house and everything and living out of my car, and just seeing if being out free and unattached would bring life into me... but that's a dream, a fantasy.

I suppose I should explain to Christie why I leave that money alone, untouched ... it's my last straw, taking it means there are no more possibilities ... everything is gone. You can't fault me for holding onto hope... I can but you can't ... this swirling spiral into a black hole of nothingness is a horrible way to live until you don't.

I have imagined asking Ellen for help ... but I know I won't ... I hope my children can use this horrible exposure of depression to make their lives better ... I don't care how ... I almost don't care that anyone ever knows. That's still a string.

The lie .. It doesn't get better .... sure it does for some, but not for so many others. We don't want to know that. We deny it by stories of those who overcome adversity ... no one truly wants to look into the abyss of nothing, silence, alone.

Sometimes on that car trip I imagine ending up on a beach and swimming out to where all I can see is water and where I can be at peace ... I know the moment before I will struggle, but then I will be finally be at peace.

I told Rosalind years ago what I saw when I looked within me ... before I was even divorced, I saw nothing.

What am I? I do not exist ... I am a story that is boring, that people just want to turn off. If only a mere whisper... even if not noticed then or remember when .... if only a mere whisper ...

Like a candle snuffed, the smoke lingers for time and then it is not... I do not matter ...

With Princess sleeping by my side, I can see the truth and still stay tied ... I am just a whine.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Period

Maybe Nov 22 2010 will be my last period ... last time I had one .. months ago, I thought that was it .. hoped it was the time before ... so i will see.

My daughter stressed out when I asked about the account with my grandmother for selling on Amazon. I tried to wait till she was done with stuff, but I didn't know about exams she was taking this week. I made a mistake. I was cold.

Today is warmer. I am running out of food. soon I have to get something. Maybe tonight. I have potatoes and pancake mix left. But the store is close by.

If I go out tonight or tomorrow night, I could get mail, pay off my november mortgage payment, get canned dog food, and stock up on food until Christmas. If I could twice, once again in mid december, I would have enough food for a couple of months. I have thought about this for months. I'm just tired and so sad.

Monday, November 22, 2010

too cold..

It's getting too cold. I don't know how to survive this winter. I am so tired and so stressed and so hopeless.

I really don't want to have to live this way and I want to let go. I am so so very very very ..

The thoughts I have I am censoring ... I am so sorry for how I am.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

alone for life

I spent much of the day holding princess and loving her and dozing off with her in my arms. I love my dog. I don't know when to decide is she suffering or happy to slowly leave life in my arms. As long as she eats and drinks I suppose I may never really know. Am I cruel to keep her with me. Should I let her go? I just don't want to kill her.

Criminal minds: Tennessee Williams said
"We are all of us sentences to solitary confinement inside our own skins for life."
Dogs reach inside you with them we are not alone.

Criminal Minds: Christopher Laff or Lash (I think) said:
"Family is a haven is a heartless world."
Why do I feel guilty wanting family to love me. I am so tired.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lillian

My daughter's grade school friend Lillian posted this on facebook:
O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
There is logic behind the wisdom .. if all seekers to get .. no one to give ... if all seekers to give ... we might get lucky ... that's the pragmatic pessimist within me ... but I also know the true satisfaction of giving for its own sake ... and yet it does not fill the emptiness or fulfill the need ... just something worth doing and a distraction from dwelling in the need. Nothing fills the kind of void that sucks like a black hole all that people give.

Hope is truly evil because is holds you to life, paralyzes you because you don't move on. Hope is truly good because it keeps you living, possibility is inexhaustible as tomorrow is always ahead.

Someday all too soon my dog will pass away, and I will find out what she has been to me besides someone who always loves me ... does she hold me to life as someone to love, as someone who needs me or does she hold me to home, to not letting go, to not living any kind of real life or does she simply provide my excuses for whatever I am doing or not doing today. I do wish she was not my dog today, because someone else would surely take better care of her at this point than I seem to be able to.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thinking back...

So I have thought about the day I got married before ... why now? Well, I watching the latest episode of the Mentalist and the cop hugging his fiancee and the covered with her blood ... and fucked up as I am I jumped to ... I would like to be that loved.

I did have the perfect wedding as best that could ever have been for me. The ceremony was at my high school CA where I have the fondest ties to my childhood, and where said own written vows ...which I wish I still had a copy of (lost long ago)... and to the perfect day weather-wise, and to the out door reception in our backyard. It was exactly what I always wanted.

To understand the war inside myself, you have to know that my family gave me so much.

I stay out of my father's life and miss my mother because he is not going to change and I do not know how.

It's very telling that I do know my maid of honor well. I really don't know much about her. Her brother was very dear to me. I really liked who his sister on that intuitive level that know someone but don't have details to explain why. The fact that she said yes, proves me right.

I have said before that I do get friendship ... I never have. I saw it among people I liked who I called friends, but I have never known it. I sometimes wonder how well anyone ever does. But so many people find at one other to be their companion and I envy that.

I suspect it has to a bit with why I get so exhausted being around people, even if I have a good time.

I have my dog ... then just for a second I had a horrible thought and had to check if she were still alive beside me ....took a bit too long for me to be sure.

Funny how the mind works ... today I was thinking that the only way out of depression is to walk that path alone. I still wish someone would want to help. I think back to that quote from US Marshals show ... some people hide because the want someone to care enough to find them.

I was thinking about my son today. How I worry I may never hear from him. I don't get to know him at all anymore. I see my daughters footprints on the internet, but I see nothing of him. I wish him to always know that I think of him so much and I love him forever, for always.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Newest Criminal Minds & survivor hate

Criminal Minds:
"I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me."
I am always amazed by how this show so often touches my soul.


I get involved in different things in cyberspace but how I am living is unchanged and I can't help wishing someone would see me, that someone would want to help me. Somehow I wish my life were worth saving. I know I should save myself, I think about it and I imagine doing it, but I don't.


I got a taste of what bullying feels like again, and while I know the words to say and I can take a stand and did, i cannot stop the way it reaches inside and just hurts.


I think cyberspace is a safer place to be bullied, because no one can see me cry and I can be/appear strong and unaffected, in the way I never learned how to be as a child. I cannot hide my feelings. I am too easy to read. But on the internet I could imagine how it could have been, not by my feelings, but by the words I chose to use.


There is a bigoted bully who trolls the Survivor site and spouts racial slurs and then seems to sit back and watch his impact, by those who react, by those who agree, even though their language would not include racial slurs, they still agree. And then there are those that join in, and defend him and bully those who take a stand against his language. One is his girlfriend. But there a few others. They profess not to be bigoted but love the chaos and reaction they cause.


Here's a lot of what transpired: Doug's comments are missing and have probably been deleted.
Scott S: GHETTO NIGGER NAONKA,SLANT EYED GOOK BRENDA,OLD PRUNEFACE HAG JANE & WORTHLESS,USELESS CRIPPLED DAN ALL NEED TO BE GONE....
Kristen S: Ok Scott you clearly need to calm down. Taking it WAY too seriously! There's no need to call people names. You're outta control dude!
Scott S: I JUST CALL THEM HOW I SEE THEM
Alexandra N: naonka is rude and needs to go home. jane is a threat to everyone else cuz the whole jury would vote for her to win (although i like her a lot). purple kelly does NOTHING to help around camp. aahhh this season is terrible. 
Lynn C: Oh that bitch na has got to go can't stand her scanky ass!!!!!!!!!! 
Rhonda HI so agree this season is terrible... But pulling for Jane... Get rid of naskanka

Debbie C: That NaOnka is E-VIL!!!!
Tyler R: Scott ur an idiot. ...
Cathy K: Really Scott? What an ignorant ass. I'm just calling it as I see it, too!
Guillaume S: Go Na Onka !!!! 
Scott S: ‎@TYLER R & CATHY K...FUCK BOTH OF YOU ITS CALLED FREEDOM OF SPEECH....YOU DONT LIKE MY POSTS DONT READ THEM...OH WAIT I FORGOT WE ARE ONLY AS FREE AS THE GOVERNMENT ALLOWS US TO BE....
Cathy K: ‎@Donna why take it so personally about Nay haters? She's a bitch and needs her ass kicked just like Marty did.
Me: cool Holly is trying to make a move ... bet she leaks it to the wrong person! exciting though ... brenda may be outwitted cool...
Scott S: WELL THE NIGGER AND PRUNEFACE HAG GET PIZZA!!!!!!!!! 
Me: boy is this exciting ... I still bet it Holly that goes home ... but it's starting to look bleak for Brenda 
Me: ‎@scott cry like a 2 year old if you must but please clean up your language.
Scott S: @LESLIE...YOU DONT LIKE IT DONT READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: ‎@Doug and @Scott your posts are being flagged by me and marked as racial hate speech ... I encourage everyone who finds this offensive to do likewise
Scott S: ‎@LESLIE GO BACK TO FUCKIN YOUR DADDY YOU CUM BURPING GUTTER CUNT...
Me: ‎@scott grow up, you are a bully.
Lilia R H: I despise Naunka ...please send her home tonight! 
Mephistopheles M S: is it true that naonka will betray brenda? that's why brenda will be voted off tonight? :-S
Scott S: UNLESS NAONKA RAN HER MOUTH TO THE WRONG PERSON AND RETARDED FUCKIN SASH GIVES BRENDA HIS IDOL... 
Me: ‎@Doug I don't have a problem with you or Scott having opinions that was not my complaint
Scott S: BYE BYE SLANT EYED GOOK!!!!!!!! WHOSE GOT THE FUCKIN POWER NOW!!!!!!!!!










Me: well so many of you were right about brenda .. too bad but it is more interesting ... gotta love it.
Me: ‎@scott please stop your racial slurs. Surely your vocabulary must contain some other words to express your dislike/hate for a player.
Scott S:  RACIAL SLUR YOUR LIPS ON MY ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Well Brenda's pride did her in... wasn't a smart game move, neither was her talk at tribal, but for a million that's one heck of a stand to take. I suppose if you are going to lose, leaving with your personal integrity intact is a nice way to go.
Scott S: HEY LESLIE CAN YOU SUCK BRENDA'S CLIT A LITTLE HARDER??????
Me: ‎@scott you are a 2 year old. grow up.
Susan N: hey scott that is pretty low to say to leslie,,,,
Me: @susan I flag Scott's inappropriate posts esp his personal attacks on me and reported him (I hope others will do so) and I posted a message on the survivor board. When you stand up to a bully, you get targeted. It's ugly, but I would rather take a stand than stand by silently.










Kimberly F S: FREEDOM OF SPEECH is so right wooohoooo so girls shut up and let ppl say what they want or go 2 e.la with nay nay bahahaha
Christy S: naonka needs to go next week!!!!!!! She drives me crazy!!!!!!!! 
Mary T: Nay called it she said Sash will never give Brenda the idol. Like her or not she was right.
Me: Brenda's biggest mistake was to trust NaOnka and to reveal the meaning of her idol clue and show NaOnka where idol was. I think Brenda was naive. That is how the younger tribe is most vulnerable. 
Michelle P: Leslie, learn to keep ur trout hole closed and learn "Nigger" is not just a racial slur ya stupid bitch and also learn ur not the fb police...dont like what people say ? dont read it and shut the fuck up!
Me: ‎@Michelle doesn't free speech apply to me too? Or Only those who agree with you?
Michelle P: Well Leslie, everyone has a right to their opinion, BUT just because u dont agree with it....ur first thing is "Im gonna have u flagged"....like wtf ?
Michelle P: I dont like the N word myself, but people like Naonka gives other people black, purple white whatever color that reputation.
Yolanda W: @ michelle. whoa! i must have missed something. who used the "N" word and why? leslie or scott,
Michelle P: Scott is my boyfriend. He comes on here and voices his opinion like everyone else and Leslie's always like its racial its racial.....the term "nigger" is not always a racial slur....any ignorant person can be called that....not just of the black race! 
Joshua W: Michelle, you are not aware of the origin of the word "Nigger" It is a bastard english derivative of the Portugese word Negre, which means Black, or of black skin. The only people who have been referred to as "niggers" have been black. ...
Michelle P: Joshua stfu. and I havent called anyone that....you are a small minded person and of course would see it that way :)
Joshua W: Small minded? i would like to think not. Being half African-American, i feel compelled to correct your fallacious usage of that word. It's terrible enough that other African- Americans have adopted common usage of a word used to denigrate them without people diminishing its significance. 
Michelle P: Look, I have no issues with any black person, asian person, etc.
Yolanda W:  ‎@ michelle. that word is ignorantly used towards one race. yes anyone can be called that but we all know when and why certain ignorant people use that word. 
Michelle P:  ‎@Yolanda....whether its ignorant or not....people have a right to post what they wanna post...I dont like the word myself....But fuckin people post all kinds of shit on here that others dont agree with. 
Kelly P: Some people in this world are so ignorent and dumb! Its NOT ok to use the N word! I hope ur not parents b/c i feel sorry for any kids growing up with rasist parents! This is why our world is so messed up b/c of people like you 2, and you know who you are!
Michelle P: Kelly shut the fuck up and dont read it if ya dont fuckin like it
Michelle P: and Im not racist....I have NO fuckin problem with any race ya stupid cunt 
Kelly P: I'll read what I want! Just speaking the truth! 
Michelle P:  Yea well ur just like Leslie everyone has to agree with you....not fuckin likely....some people on here are decent and some like you are ignorant cunts :)
Kelly P: Such a classy thing you are! Your parents must be so proud :)
Alana M: Now now people. Cool it. 
Me: @Michelle ...There are lots of comments I disagree with and some I don't like, but I don't consider flagging those expressions of opinion . However, if you believe in freedom speech as no limits as you claim, how could there be any limits on what/how I choose to comment? Like I said, doesn't seem like you are for complete freedom of speech at all.
Yolanda W: @ joshua. you go boy. put michelle in her place. using all those big words around her empty lil head. you make mamma (me, jk) proud. lol
Carrie M: Man I have never seen or shall I say read in a Survior post were it's centers on a person so negativley more than the game! I know seeing a person acts as bad as NaOnka will evoke strong emotions, but the name calling is a little hard to read...people can we please focus in this great game called Survivor, after all thats the reason why we are all her on this page in the first place! I'm just saying... :-(
​Yolanda W: @ michelle. this is "post your comment about survivor", not show your true self (your bf) then get mad when you're told about yourself. calling names so juvenille. if you gonna be grown enough to say what you want, then be grown enough to take it. cunt? who uses that word. lmao calling me that. get bigger reaction from calling people bitches.
Brian E: Michelle, do yourself a favor and read FB policies. No, you cannot say anything on FB. When a comment is flagged one of the reasons involves hateful speech and a sub category listed is targets a race or ethnicity. You cannot harass, intimidate, or cyberbully anyone on Facebook. Please educate yourself on FB policies you agreed to when you signed up on Facebook.
Me: Brenda thought she built trust, but in survivor, trusting the wrong person can be deadly. (I was wrong about her knowing how to assess people). While sad to see Brenda go, she did not come through with a useful strategy to survive. Scheming cannot be beneath you if want to win this game. Good news is that now anything is likely to happen! 








Me: @Brian .. I was surprised no one called out Holly at first. That's because they expected Holly to target Brenda, but NaOnka was key in their core alliance, that's why they called her out.
Me: The flock is stupid, and silly of Sash not to take advantage of it better. Shame on Brenda for taking the betrayal personally and forgetting she was in a game for a million dollars. As for Chase ... a total sweetheart, but really his game really sucks.
Me: Funny how we can't help but want to root for the nicer people, but when someone does something evil and backstabbing, we can't also help but delight it. Sandra was a great player because she knew how to make it through each tribal -- by having a smaller target on her than on someone else. The game is about winning it all after all.
Me: While I want to kick Sash for not giving Brenda the idol, fact is, without a viable plan and support, that would have been suicide, and Brenda offered none. Like I said, Brenda took it personally and stopped playing the game. Shame.
Me: @Sandy I missed whose brilliant idea it was to move the wooden crates next to the fire ... I will enjoy watching the episode again online. What's really funny is that whoever thought of it, better keep his/her mouth shut and silly of the others not to remember like me!
Me: @Brian I don't think anyone orchestrates anything. Human nature causes the mayhem all by itself. It's the weakest characters that throw a monkey wrench into the best laid plans. You would think people would expect this, but we don't and certainly the players don't. Whether in it or on the sidelines (us viewers) we all seem to have our blind spots,
Me: @Brian well I have to agree, you have got to admire Sash's ability to act. After last week I was in awe. He had those guys completely fooled after spending an entire day with them. I think Brenda was hoping Sash would show loyalty, but I don't think she was completely surprised that he did not either. Certainly the vote was not a blindside.
Brian E: Leslie, Holly talked to everyone and proposed voting out Brenda. That is clear from tonight's episode. Thus, she orchestrated it. It does not surprise me as Brenda is arrogant. It is beneath her to scramble. NaOnka missed a golden opportunity to set the record straight and call out Holly as the mastermind of the plan. Now NaOnka has made herself vulnerable.
Me: @Brian ... NaOnka doesn't play a a good game. But if she turned on Holly at tribal, people might have changed their vote, Everyone already knew Holly started it all. NaOnka makes a lot of bad moves, I won't be surprised if she doesn't make it to the final three, but my predictions have been wrong ... so we will have to see.
Kelly A: ​@ lesie...yes I totally was right about brenda and who cares that holly started it.... someone had too....and yes who knows what will go down now.... =) hopefully benry, fabio and dan...and I know dan is sort of lame but...he is still in the game =)
Me: At this point whose game actually gets them to the end and votes from the jury will impress me! Even wishy- washy Chase could make it. But Purple Kelly would be the best. Problem for whomever is at the end is whether they can be persuasive to the jury ... If kelly has that in her, that would be awesome. Fabio is most likely to be able to pull that off.
Me: Not being a Dan fan, I hope he makes it just to final 4/5 so he gets the most misery, and least ponderosa and still loses. Like I said .. not a fan! Ditto re NaOnka.
Me: @Tim ... stop reading this before you watch the show! LOL
Brian E: Leslie, everybody except the jury knows what happened. Also, Brenda did a great job of making NaOnka vulnerable. Votes can change at tribal council based on what you say or don't say. Shannon was voted off very early on for mouthing off when the tribe was going to vote out Brenda.
Me: When will we ever learn ... you make a big play, you paint a target on your back, show super strength and you again... Holly and Jane bit off more than either can chew I suspect. Master manipulators like Russell get far, but no one likes them, so they don't win... Sash is a more likable manipulator, but I don't think he will get Brenda's or Marty's vote. Boy is this the best survivor ever!
Me: @Donna if survivor was about just getting to the end with the best/most devious moves, you would be right. But the ultimate survivor has to both make it to the end and be able to convince all those outwitted that they are most deserving. Hatch pulled it off once, because he was the first. After that, people realized that they could decide the criteria for how to choose the winner, making Russell's game fall short of the mark. Sash may not pull it off if he makes it to the end.
Me: If NaOnka was a real player vs just jumping on the bandwagon, she would have convinced them that Brenda was easy to get rid of without Sash, and they could instead say they were voting for Brenda and vote Sash and his idol out instead. That would have been a memorable blindside. This way the target would still be on Brenda and she would have Brenda on her side.
Cindy T: Leslie - you need to apply for SURVIVOR - you could make it you devious little thing you!
Matt W: ugh. I hate Naonka so much! But she was actually decent this ep. Hope Sash goes next, but he won't. But who knows.
Me: Chase could have made that same argument better to the boys and Dan and Kelly B, leaving Holly and Jane out of the loop -- even NaOnka, and it would have been more clever to convince Sash and Brenda they were voting NaOnka because she was a turncoat. If only more players had some real game play and "balls" when it counts. Or Brenda could have turned the tables onto Sash or NaOnka and let the group chose since both had idols.
Me: @Cindy LOL ... my mind is good, but the body is no way able... I would not want to be worse than Dan!
Me: Does anyone else wonder why Chase is on survivor? He is a sweetheart and loyal, and what a heart, but in survivor that's wishy-washy at best. If he truly wanted to save Brenda, he should have won immunity and given it to her, saying she may seem in control but her two tightest allies have idols and one has turned again her ... not nice but a true stand ... could have flushed out both idols. He said he wanted to stick with Brenda whom he trusted, so why didn't he really try to win... he was wishy-washy when it came to not beating Jane or helping Brenda -- he caved in the moment ... to just being too nice! 
Me: @Susan LOL it was raining and they wanted to keep the food dry and fire going!... Loved it!
Me: so many possibilities ... so little (just about everything brains, guts, balls, fast-thinking...) loving it! Also loving hindsight!
Me: @connie ... I like the analogy of a greased pig... NaOnka maybe slippery, but when chase is over, what you are still looking at is a pig. Like Russell, she hasn't got a chance at the money.
but Dan? really? I cannot fathom the challenge he can win.
... I commented again today about Holly.

Looking over the words you can't tell that Scott got to me. I chose what I decided to comment on with care. I was shaking. I felt the attack as though it was in person, but because it was not, I could take a stand and speak well, to issue and not reacting. You cannot see me cry in cyberspace.

I commented so much afterwards not because I was caught up in the enjoyment of it, though I did enjoy commenting, but because I wanted to shake off the feelings and to act and emulate the enthusiam and love I have for the game. While the feelings of being attacked still lingered, I wanted to act as though they did not.

I am exhausted...

I am exhausted and emotionally spent. Survivor was on last night ... awesome episode, but what an intense blogging interaction with two people who relish dropping racial slurs and bullying anyone who complains.

I will address it all later. Right now I am wiped-out.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

More about bullying...

So far 5 people have liked what I wrote on the Survivor wall:
I and many others are upset with reading the racial slurs against NaOnka and Brenda ... Can you please block the few people who are responsible from posting or remove the comments (once you confirm the inappropriate content) as they have been flagged for you. Thank you.
I mentioned it before, but I am still thinking about it. And the thinking leads me to bullying. Ellen uses her show to put the spotlight on gay bullying because so many teens are not surviving and they are killing themselves. In a country that has taken its founding principals, of equality and freedom and the pursuit of happiness for all, and transformed itself from one built on slavery, past women able to vote, to one with a black president, gay rights is one arena that is glaringly at odds still.

I want to craft another letter to Ellen to share the insights I have about bullying... as it connects to survivor... about the difference between being offended by another's lifestyle or disagreeing with it and actively bashing people with language which attacks people rather than disliking behavior, that attacks who you are or how you look, or the freedom for people to live as they choose.

But I ended up getting distracted ... I know I want to talk about how people use words and the difference in vulnerability depending upon whom they are directed. Bullying is meanness but it is more because it is targeted towards an individual and repeated over and over. Bullies are the instigators, but there are often cohorts, who might not have started an attack, but still seize upon the opportunity and join in with relish, and they all enjoy recruiting others. Bullies tend to attack anyone showing a dissenting point of view and they attack these dissenters with meanness. So dissenters are rare as there is a risk. Bystanders are those who disagree or are neutral and say nothing. They just watch.

I remember listening to Christie's situation at school when she was being bullied. Being empathetic is invaluable as it helps to be heard and to know you care and want to know. I asked questions and imagined what it was like to be each of the children involved. I told my daughter it sucked to be bullied but given the situation, who would she rather be? I particularly asked her if she would rather be one of her friends who stood by and said nothing ... I ask if that would be worse than being bullied. In the end, wouldn't she rather be her than anyone else. The I asked if there was anyone outside of the group whom she liked. She said yes, so I suggested she hang out with her.

This helped for a while, but Christie came home again crying and not wanting to go back to school. Given her love of school, I found that extremely disturbing. And again when she explained where and how and what, I could see that she was unsafe because there was no supervision. That's when I called her teacher and told them that they were being negligent in not supervising the kids and allowing her to be bullied to the point where she didn't want to go back to school. I was pissed and I was insistent and they did take action and things got better. I knew I wouldn't stop until the situation was addressed and the teachers knew that too. I am relentless when my children need protecting and I think that was helpful as the situation being addressed at school.

Not being alone when you are a child makes such a difference. At this point I don't know what I want to write to Ellen, I want separate my thoughts. The bullying we do as adults, like on survivor boards, is why our children bully. Our intolerance and hate is all over the media. It is normal and acceptable and should not be.

Dreaming...

I have written a lot today. My mind has wandered all over the map. I dream of getting help from Ellen or someone like her. I imagine having my bathroom redone, and stairs and floor exposed to the cellar repaired. I dream of cleansing my house and basement of everything that I only keep cause it could make money but which I don't have any connection with, keeping what I like and enjoy and has meaning for me, where all that is tossed is offered to anyone who could use it or sell it so only real trash is tossed. Giving what I discard to people who would value it and use it, or who would sell it for their own benefit or for the money for others would be such a huge plus. I dream of a yard makeover, where it was easy to exit directly into the fenced area, where I could enjoy being outside, or just where the entries and exits support having dogs. That's about living. I dream about a pool exposed to the light and to the air in the summer and not in the winter, where I can swim naked, one where I could exercise and find freedom in using my body. That's about living well. Money doesn't matter. All I would want is what is needed to cover taxes if anything given was taxable or to pay off my car so keeping warm was easier, though I could manage living on disability well enough.

That I dream is a good sign that today was a good day after all.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Faith and Knowing

I wrote the poem Is It Ever Just dealing with irony of Faith and Knowing. Who would of thought that Craig Ferguson would discuss this very thing with his guest, Dr Cornell West (I think). Craig is lot like me. He loves an argument. At one point Craig said:
I do like to hear a man of theology say I like an argument.
I loved the arguments *heated discussions" that my father encouraged over dinner when we were young. Next Craig asked:
Do you think ... when people have faith..... and they say "I am certain." I don't think that's faith. I think that's certainty. Cause truly faith has an element of doubt.
Dr. answered:
There's a difference between rational certainty and blessed assurance.
Craig:
What is the difference?
Dr.:
Blessed assurance is making a leap of faith. Stepping out on nothing and landing on something. .... The sign of a highly intelligent person is to recognize the limits of intelligence.
Craig:
I don't even understand what you are saying.
God is he ever quick. And funny. I think a great comedian has to be intelligent, cause that's how they are so quick to find the funny response. Craig didn't even hesitate. And the way he answered, his emphasis, made the joke clear for everyone. That's genius. Craig after the laughter:
However ... blessed assurance would to me [be] ... to make a leap of faith one would have to have doubt to make the leap, right, or else it's not a leap. 
(reminds me of irreverent poem Dr Ill And Pope Rah) Dr. answers:
There is an element of doubt even in your faith because it is not all about you ...  you are acknowledging something greater than you. Like falling in love.
Next Craig made the connection to despair and how people of great faith also had great despair. I am completely surprised, because I started recording this conversation not realizing he would end up here. My thought was, "How did he jump to here?" Craig asked:
How do you stop despair or fear or disillusionment from dragging you under? Is there a tool, a spiritual tool ... a trick to it?
The response was not possible for me to have predicted. I was shocked by the question. I was more shocked hear this:
I think a lot of it has to do with ancestral appreciation. I think of Mom. I think of Dad. My grandparents. I think of friends. And I think of my children, my grandson and so forth.
Wow! It makes total sense but, it's not a good answer for me; still it sure explains a whole lot, like my whole life. But he didn't have it quite right (in thinking it was doable for everyone), because "ancestral appreciation" requires a remembrance of feeling loved (something, an experience you can tap into), not just knowing you were loved intellectually or loving them. "Friends" requires you are able to establish friendships and sustain them and I have never known that, I lack that ability, no matter who has been my friend, I have never known friendship even though I have loved many people and called them friends. "Children," well, that's all that holds me here and it is tenuous, but it all I have that is real.

Another shock .. cause as I am writing I haven't yet listened to what's next.
So that when you have that love coming at your back and then when you have that progeny that you are giving love, you say to yourself, even with the despair inside of me .... [Blues analogy here] ... I still have a smile on my face.
ok so now Craig makes me laugh and again I am surprised:
But isn't that slightly delusional?
Answer:
No. Not at all, because as long as you are moving, as long as you are in motion, and that love and that compassion, and that memory is pushing you on, you are still persevering. And that's the best we do.
That's explains why I am still here. It explains why walls are covered with my children's photo's and stuff, why I am able to still endure. And it explains why I manage so poorly, and why when the only control I have over the pain is to stop everything, that very action undermines me.

I know the outlook for me doesn't look very good, but Kian and Christie, you have to see that all you have ever been for me is good. That's what I mean when say you are a blessing. Yes, I am not good when I am disconnected, but you don't cause it. Your existence only abates the pain and despair, you do not cause it ever. If you are the finger in the hole in the dam, you don't cause it's collapse by removing it. Moreover, what's the probability that the finger really is enough anyway? You have never been the cause of my pain. And no matter how much sadness or frustration or longing I have for more than you offer, you never cause any of my pain. You only abate it. All you have been is a blessing. Can also see how loving you, however I have been able, or am able, is only good for me. It is always the right thing to do for me no matter what the cost. I don't give to you to get anything back. I give to love, to live, to love living.

I am and have always been a sinking ship. Please forgive me but I do not want to pull you under. Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

The next part of the conversation Craig had was about what does all mean and the answer is "not knowing." Life, love, and living are about an act of faith... I don't worry about the hereafter. I didn't choose my values for what they bring me regarding what is or is not after death, so I don't worry about that. I wouldn't alter who I am if I knew. Not knowing is all that is possible. The fact that love is act my core is about faith. I don't have doubt about this or choosing love freely. That's what the Dr. meant but did not articulate well. It's not that there is something. But the feeling is certainty It's not blind, because you look and examine and question and you choose love. A leap of faith is not about certainty. It's about looking into the bottomless abyss and taking the leap anyway, because it is your choice. For me love is always the better choice. Yes, I avoid pain and lessen my options to love, but I am human. But when the chance to love is in front of me, it's always a "no brainer" choice, whether I look to weigh the options or just leap.

He goes on and talks about formal religion and ritual and then Craig says:
Also a great deal of inhumane behavior brought about by dogma associated with Religion...
I am vessel. That's what empathy does it opens you and it is a gift because it enables me to love well. Maybe that's why the hate on the blogs reaches into my soul, why I can't stop it from impacting me. Truth is, I would not lessen my ability to love to keep me safe. Maybe that's why I love irony ... What makes me feel so connected to Craig, is that I get him, which is not the same as knowing him, but I get who he is.

The thing Craig was alluding to is that people do horrific things under the banner of faith. Thing is, people who profess "blessed assurance" think they know for sure. And the Dr was mistaken to say that you land on something ... you don't, because you don't know. What is true is the landing is about after death and you can't know that. You cannot know God ... so you are always falling and faith is trusting .... faith is seeing nothing and stepping off the ledge. I am innately faith and I have none simultaneously. I live with fear ever present, afraid to live, and I love whenever there is the opportunity and I see it. I am kind. That question that I asked when I was a senior in high school that no one understood why it was so important or why I was driven, makes complete sense to me. What is love? I was asking who am I, why live.

I have to ask myself, given where today started how I came to have ended up listening to a prerecorded show (which I TiVo'd and which aired November 5th) with a serious guest that would explain everything about me and in a way that gives me some sort of hope ... but I still don't know how ... Maybe what it gave me was connection. Instead of real friends I connect with what I can know of people on TV ... it's not like I know them but getting who they are is a way of connecting of knowing them. It sustains me. It doesn't fix me but it is a way to live. Or maybe, understanding the irony of me leaves me less guilty, more forgiving of how I am. Still how, in moment where I reached a new low, how come I ended up listening to this show? How is it that I recorded it 10 days before, but today was when I listened to it? Often I have felt lucky and blessed ... listening to this today is one of those moments. This added to the good pile.

Question is ... how do I move and stay in motion, when the effort is exhausting and the pain is only abated by standing still. That was what Craig was asking. I wonder why he asked that. How did he jump to there? I can only assume that he knows despair intimately, maybe in himself, maybe in a loved one. I usually think of his show as gift because I laugh, because he is so funny and kind and brilliant and witty. But the gift of this show is completely different, and I am in awe of it.

I had an epiphany about the failure of religion and why it corrupts. People are looking for what will get them better things in the hereafter as oppose to understanding what it means to love and have compassion and to chose love freely. Not everyone would, so religion gives people a reason to, but instead it is twisted into living something quite different, and it shows in bigotry and hate and intolerance. Not everyone looks into the abyss, be all fear death and want something to continue beyond. I can understand why religion, and I understand how horrific behavior is inevitable. I understand why I both hate and love being human.

About Me

United States
speaking to a universe without ears