Anne Sexton

A Criminal Minds quote by Anne Sexton:

"It doesn't matter who my father was. It matters who I remember he was."

I have a lot of conflicting memories of my father. When I was small I remember being afraid when he was angry. I remember him hitting my brothers when they got in trouble. I can't remember one reason why the were in trouble. I remember dinners and conversations at the table. I remember him liking to listen to arguments about stuff; he encouraged that. I remember him drunk at Maine, especially the evening he fell into the ocean at high tide and my mother dragging him back in by his ear. It's one of the funniest I have. I remember arguing with my older brother, I was young. He threatened to hit my over the head with his ear of corn if I said one more thing. I said he couldn't do that, and so got up and did. I remember everyone laughing and being told that I had asked for it. I can't remember if it was before or after Rai molested me, but I know it sits in memory as vividly.

I remember my father making wine with my uncle and thinking my uncle was such a cool guy. Fact is, he was a bastard to my aunt and he neglected his kids. I always thought they were lucky. On the other hand, now they are a tight-knit family, so maybe they were. I know my father valued education and was lucky to have an excellent one. I know they allowed me to choose my schools, even when they thought a different school was better, and even when it was cheaper.

I know he is good man. I am proud of how he chose to make a living. I know he fiercely protective of my mother and they allow a great deal of freedom to have their own quirks. I know he met mother on Valentine's Day. I always thought that was so romantic, something I never saw when they were together.

I know he did his best to keep me safe. And while some of his choices were not helpful to that end, he used his judgment to best of his ability, and always meant well. Still does.

I remember wishing I was adopted when I was a child. Unfortunately, I look too much like my father for that to have been possible. My father did his best raising me. It is not he doing that I am how I am.

"It is a wise father who knows his own child." William Shakespeare

It's not my father's fault that he doesn't know me. His father died when I was a child. He grew up the youngest in a family that valued girls over boys, and his one sister was treated differently. My parents tried to be different and be fair, but they see fair in terms of money. I know my father was deeply wounded by his mother and that he loved her and felt unloved. I know it is ironic that he has been just like his other, favoring boys over girls, and that he never intended that. He did his best and he always meant well. He gave me my dream wedding. I will cherish that. We both hoped that my life would turn out well.