Bullying

Portia says she felt invisible.

I understand that. I am obese and I feel invisible. But I am not afraid to be seen. I am not afraid to be heard.

I am not ashamed to use my voice and to be seen. I am not afraid to be in the dirt and to show you dirty.

I am appalled by America when we delight in the superficial. I remember Britney Spears as a child and how people admired her discipline and I thought ... Oh my god, she will break. She cannot sustain that... and when she did, America made fun of her. And I thought ... Where is your empathy and compassion. We took part in creating this... I look at Lindsey Lohan and I see the same thing. Gee whiz! Shame on us. She was a child and we took part.

It's about time that we considered it valuable to look inward, Our president did that today, without compromising his values and TV pundits make fun of it and call it weakness. We have one of the greatest people in the history of the world as our president and we are trying to bring him down.

The story of the crucifixion of Jesus is more than a story of a man. Whether you have faith or not, the story  teaches us. Most all of the Jews rose up against Jesus and condemned him. I do not understand why people join together to do horrific things even to pure good, but we do. There was a time when a majority of Americans were members of the KKK. They were not all racists. They couldn't see. Without an effort toward introspection; without regular effort to have empathy for what we find abhorrent or even distasteful, we can easily be swayed into actions we later regret.

I was a child when we in the Vietnam war, and I was against it, But I shocked and horrified by those who spit at those who fought, either willingly or because they were drafted.

Today we are attacking bullying, while we delight in being bullies. And we take our children down as though they are the evil. Yes, we need to stop bullying, because it is deadly and it changes our children. They break. But children who bully learn it from us. Look at how we treat our celebrities. Even in judging what they wear. We are ruthless bullies and proud of it. There is a fine line between humor and meanness. We do not celebrate being kind and we do not pay attention to our own meanness and intolerance. In fact we celebrate our meanness at 7pm every night on Extra and shows like it.

How many of us would stand up to the scrutiny of having having our private conversations aired for the world to judge. But that's what we did to Mel Gibson and now we shun him and we revel in our hatred of who we think he is. Fact is I don't know him. But I do not see and evil man worthy of hatred by what I have seen of him publicly. Nor do I see evil in those who are mean to him, who ridicule him, and hate him. I see humor of late night TV and on Ellen and I see the ridicule and a fostering of it on Extra. There is a difference.

I am not suggesting that we like bad behavior, or accept it, but where is your empathy and compassion? How can we stop bullying and meanness if we do not foster kindness and compassion.

We are appalled by Iran when they stone women who were raped or committed adultery. But how many of us would not throw stones if that were Mel Gibson instead?

It is not enough to stop bullying by condemning the bullies. We need to notice meanness and not celebrate in it, as much as we need to notice kindness to celebrate it, not just in the world, but within ourselves.

I have fantasies of having myself heard...In making a difference. I don't think I am ever going to survive and live well. I don't see how. Maybe though (I at times hope) someone would help and I wouldn't live in filth and be cold and I would live longer. But the thing is, I will never get how to do something just for me. That's not a possibility. It's not even what I am after. I have come to understand that you never fix broken, but that doesn't mean I couldn't end up living better. I want to live.

I know how "how I am" affects my children. I am torn with how to be kind when all the options are not good. I know I will never live better on my own. And realistically, who would help me? But, I am sure my living a longer life matters to my children. I am doing what I am able to do, I am surviving for now, I am letting myself be seen, I am emailing Ellen. I am doing whatever I can to have more functional moments, To leave this blog, this exposure of all of who I am, minimally as a legacy,

I know it is hard to believe me when I don't go to the doctor to get medication that would make it easier for me to function, Besides the obvious of how hard it is for me to do anything just for myself, it also will never be enough, That's what I tried to explain to my psychologist. I am on the edge, I have been there all my life. Living is pushing the bolder up a hill. Alone I am not strong enough to sustain the pushing. I need a break. And I take it to survive and that is not working well either. It is exhausting and draining to help me, because eventually I will always need more. I am broken and I get that.

I am kind and giving and loving and I have yet to meet the person who can sustain on that. Who loves who I am and thrives on being with me as I am and who allows me to love them. This is not about romance or sex, though I am all for those; they are great things. But I understand how I can be poison to people who would help me because they thrive on the results of helping people, not on the act for its own sake.

I don't need to find that person, much as I will always want it. I could live better and longer, with bits and pieces at different times. I just don't know how to pull it off.

Please forgive me Kian and Christie and know that I love you forever, always have, infinitely, and I always will. Which is why you both are my favorite and always will be. I will never be able to say this enough. I am so sorry for how I am and how it limits the manner in which I am able to love you.