More about bullying...

So far 5 people have liked what I wrote on the Survivor wall:

I and many others are upset with reading the racial slurs against NaOnka and Brenda ... Can you please block the few people who are responsible from posting or remove the comments (once you confirm the inappropriate content) as they have been flagged for you. Thank you.

I mentioned it before, but I am still thinking about it. And the thinking leads me to bullying. Ellen uses her show to put the spotlight on gay bullying because so many teens are not surviving and they are killing themselves. In a country that has taken its founding principals, of equality and freedom and the pursuit of happiness for all, and transformed itself from one built on slavery, past women able to vote, to one with a black president, gay rights is one arena that is glaringly at odds still.

I want to craft another letter to Ellen to share the insights I have about bullying... as it connects to survivor... about the difference between being offended by another's lifestyle or disagreeing with it and actively bashing people with language which attacks people rather than disliking behavior, that attacks who you are or how you look, or the freedom for people to live as they choose.

But I ended up getting distracted ... I know I want to talk about how people use words and the difference in vulnerability depending upon whom they are directed. Bullying is meanness but it is more because it is targeted towards an individual and repeated over and over. Bullies are the instigators, but there are often cohorts, who might not have started an attack, but still seize upon the opportunity and join in with relish, and they all enjoy recruiting others. Bullies tend to attack anyone showing a dissenting point of view and they attack these dissenters with meanness. So dissenters are rare as there is a risk. Bystanders are those who disagree or are neutral and say nothing. They just watch.

I remember listening to Christie's situation at school when she was being bullied. Being empathetic is invaluable as it helps to be heard and to know you care and want to know. I asked questions and imagined what it was like to be each of the children involved. I told my daughter it sucked to be bullied but given the situation, who would she rather be? I particularly asked her if she would rather be one of her friends who stood by and said nothing ... I ask if that would be worse than being bullied. In the end, wouldn't she rather be her than anyone else. The I asked if there was anyone outside of the group whom she liked. She said yes, so I suggested she hang out with her.

This helped for a while, but Christie came home again crying and not wanting to go back to school. Given her love of school, I found that extremely disturbing. And again when she explained where and how and what, I could see that she was unsafe because there was no supervision. That's when I called her teacher and told them that they were being negligent in not supervising the kids and allowing her to be bullied to the point where she didn't want to go back to school. I was pissed and I was insistent and they did take action and things got better. I knew I wouldn't stop until the situation was addressed and the teachers knew that too. I am relentless when my children need protecting and I think that was helpful as the situation being addressed at school.

Not being alone when you are a child makes such a difference. At this point I don't know what I want to write to Ellen, I want separate my thoughts. The bullying we do as adults, like on survivor boards, is why our children bully. Our intolerance and hate is all over the media. It is normal and acceptable and should not be.