I am listening to Porcia on Oprah. Even this story about anorexia is one that is only told by someone who has survived it and overcome the destructive lifestyle.
People are fascinated by the hard time and misconceptions she had about reality. I remember Ally Beal and how all of them looked sickeningly thin. And I know that even though it is on TV and people are talking about it, that girls are still wanting to be her.
Oprah talks about her not having an accurate grasp on reality at the time. I think you see and you don't see, but that you are invested so heavily in avoiding the pain and thoughts that think if you eat that you don't. I think she said it accurately when she said I would rather die than lose control again.
I have this dog here. I letting pee on herself a lot. I clean her up but she doesn't want to, I just can't get myself to do anything. But today, I brought her on my bed because she was crying and I didn't want her to cry even though I am too. She's been under the blankets and happy for hours next to me.
She likes the petting. And she sleeps nicely. I think she is going to be my bed a lot more. I do love my dog. But it's killing me that I am not good for her and she can't do anything about it.
Portia's talking about the moment when she realized she had choice. She was nearly dying and she had decide about living and whether there was something worth living for. She was 25. I remember at 18 figuring out why I wanted to live by the sheer panic of being trapped in the hospital, by my own hand. Having been lied to in order to get me there, I found myself stuck. And I felt the desire to be free and I knew it meant I wanted to live. Besides the trauma of the weekend made it impossible for me to think of anything else. So I moved on.
Portia said is "sometimes the way you see yourself if not how the world sees you," But what do you do when it is worse. When no one wants to know. They don't know how to help you so the close their eyes. And I love them so I let them. I know they have seen, and that they don't want to look.
What we have in common is being alone and hiding in plain sight.
Portia says her horse saved her life. My dog keeps me alive. I won't know if my children are, once she dies. It's a horrible thing to admit but I don't think so, because they are better off without me. And it is too painful to survive.
I am thinking. "I don't want to disappear completely so remember me and tell my story." You see it is ok to be dead.
Portia said her mother wanted her to live, it didn't matter if she was gay.
"there's a very fine line between being private and being ashamed." That's what she told her mother.
Oprah said at the end. "I want every one to know you are not crazy anymore." Like if you were that would be a horrible thing to be. No one ever hears the things they say that crush you.
No one wants to know you when you are not ok. And it would be a stigma to be not ok.
At this point, I got inspired to write Ellen and sent this email:
Portia on Oprah.
When Portia talked about her mother always qualifying her acceptance of her, Oprah said, "I want everyone to know you are not crazy anymore." and emphasized it. I thought, that's exactly what it is like.
Portia is a beautiful person, that hasn't changed, she always was. You shouldn't have to be cured to have people accept you for who you are. Fact is that we make fun of celebrities and are cruel because haven't managed yet (eg Linsey Lohan).
I understood: "there's a very fine line between being private and being ashamed." My family loves me but don’t like who I am. I embarrass them. Easy to hear the words & not see it in front of you.
I don't have anorexia. Don’t have that kind of control. I am obese, depressed, and have an anxiety disorder. I manage life by shutting down. I’m not crazy. In 2006, I wrote a poem Confession. I had hope & thought I was changing, I’m not afraid to share who I am, but who ever really wants to know? I hide to be safe & it’s killing me. I’m writing cause I’ve nothing to lose. It’s harsh to be alone as I am & to know everyone knows. I apologize, but I have run out of people who love me; I can't tell them when they already know because it isn't kind.
Portia is as lucky to have you as you are to have her. It is wonderful to see such love. And thank you for telling everyone to be kind at the end of your show. These things warm my heart. They made today better.
Thing is, I don't have anyone else to tell. Not really. Even though there are more people in the world, even friends from the past.
Christie continues to lose ground significantly in the vote.
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