Friday, December 10, 2010

police

The police came today .. around 9 am. Someone called about all my newspapers not picked up. I suppose in a real way it is a small cry for help. I told them I was depressed and that I had an anxiety disorder. They asked if I wanted help and I told them that there was nothing anyone could do. They asked me if I had a phone and if I wanted to talk to the crisis center. I don't think they can help. I really don't see how. They think talking to someone would make things better, but I would just feel more pain. Yes, there are ways people could help, but no, they way people would want to help would not help me. There were two officers today. One asked me if I was thinking about suicide. I said no. I am not, not in the way he meant. The wanted to know if they could bring me someone for help. I said no. People want to put somewhere. I understand that. There's a kind of guilt knowing someone is in trouble and not helping, but it is so rare that people actually reach out, willing to really help. Putting me away would appease people's guilt, even though they have no fault. I know I am in trouble. I know I want help. I know it just won't come. As long as I am able to function, I won't let myself be locked up.

On Bones tonight she said 'I'm sad." He said: "That's better than being dead ... or being dead inside." I often wonder about this. I mean, it is always true when you look back and you are not sad, but when you are ... not so sure.

I spent today blogging on survivor posts about last night show and stuff. I had a lot of fun. One survivor who may win the $5,000 prize talked to me on face book. One thing I enjoy about commenting on survivor is being clever and funny. I also like to debate with reasonable people who disagree with me. I had an interaction with Andrew which was a great deal of fun. People like what I post cause I get a lot of likes on my posts ... I like posts that are interesting or make me laugh. I laugh a lot when I post on survivor and I think that is a good thing, even though I think it is pathetic that I live vicariously through my interactions with the game. I feel connected to people ... no differently than how I did with people I thought of as friends. I know I do operate socially the way other people do and that causes my relationships to dissolve or never come to be ... I know it is me. Took me more than 50 years to learn that which goes to proving my point.

Depression is a harsh reality. People want positive people in their lives, so you become isolated. What most people do not understand about depression is that you do not see people at their worst, because they hide and isolate. They stay in bed all day like I do ... but not having anyone is so hard. People rarely have no one. I haven't been doing well for so long, I can't remember how it felt to be different. And I do hurt any time I look.

I moved wood closer to the door today, bringing a small amount in. I have been wood to keep the temperature above freezing inside. Tonight it is 7 degrees outside. The house was down to 36 degrees this morning, but I have it up to 44 degrees right now. Odd how that feels reasonable and warmer. We are going to get some snow tomorrow and over the weekend. Mostly it is going to be very cold. It seems though that if I burn wood, I can keep things from freezing ... but I have to get it inside.

I know in my gut that Christie is either upset with me or mad at me and that hurts so much. Losing my connection to her hurts so much. I only have a tenuous connection with Kian.

There isn't anyone on facebook that would have any idea how sad I am or how much pain I feel. My depression would not make sense to them, because people do not understand depression. Depressed, you either disgust people or they fear you or the feel helpless and avoid you. It doesn't matter which is true.

On face book I can put out my soul and my spirit and no one can see my pain and no one turns away because they see how I am and avoid me.

The police woman has been to my house before. She gave me the number to the crisis center and said she would be back to check on me. That's a kind thing for her to do. I would take help if they could offer something that would help me. I feel like I wasted their time. I feel like I would waste the crisis center folks time if I talked to them ... how can they help me? Words are not the solution. I talk on this computer all the time and I don't bother anyone by doing it. I don't waste anyone's time.

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About Me

United States
speaking to a universe without ears