Saturday, December 11, 2010

more criminal minds repeats

Criminal Minds: Thomas Paine:
"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace."
It comes down to this with my children. It is in my weakest moments that I wish they would want me more, otherwise, I am content to know they are living their lives and thriving.

Criminal Minds: Writer Madeleine Engel:
"When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. But, to go up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable."
This reality sucks in light of an anxiety disorder ... where safety is paramount, and where it is never real. Still, knowing that doesn't change how I am driven. Safety is still paramount ... but the illusion that it is not is one I can have and do have easily, whenever I feel safe. Yet, all I have to do is to look at the periphery to see where the fear lingers waiting to consume me. Today, the periphery is just outside my door, but it doesn't really matter where it lies, it never disappears and I am always stumbling into it or avoiding it or occasionally stepping into it, when fear drives into it, because it is not just one fear. Fear is ever present and unavoidable. At best, I keep it a bay for short periods of reprieve. And it is in that space of reprieve that I feel normal and I begin to believe that there is hope and that I have a chance to live differently. It doesn't matter that I know that the belief is an illusion, it still comes and it still feels possible. The very fact that our perception is a filter means that it is always an illusion ... and that applies to the fear... and knowing still doesn't change anything, even though there are moments when it seems to. When you know and you feel it ... that brings the sadness ... and you taste hopelessness.

Most recent Criminal Minds: Writer Oscar Wilde:
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."
I still hang onto the hope that my children forgive me someday, because I know, that despite all the good I have been to them, the blessings of having me raise them and love who they are as they are, still does not outweigh how I am; who I am does not seem to outweigh how I am either. Please forgive me. I am so sorry.

My daughter just tweeted someone's reference to anti smoking research. The article pointed out the impact of possibly smoking one cigarette and 2nd hand smoke on genetics and lifespan and impact on those with other conditions. I have had some fun. I love interacting with her. My complaint was stats too quick to conclude causal relationship to the extent they did. She bombarded back which I loved. I love discussion and debate ... I like thinking through ideas.

Here was out twitter interaction starting with the article retweeted by my daughter, NerdyChristie:
SmokeAnywhere: One cigarette a day damages DNA, and can be deadly  
love2laugh4ever (me): @smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie sounds ominous ... how about smog? How can anyone pinpoint the differences? Just hype and misdirection, maybe?
love2laugh4ever@smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie explain my childhood bingo with loads of smokers in the 80's & 90's? .. manipulative hype I think. [meant their 80's and 90's]
love2laugh4ever@smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie just because cigarettes are bad for you and kill many ... unlikely sole cause, nor 2nd hand. 
love2laugh4ever@smokeanywhere @NerdyChristie ... some articles drive me crazier than others... ya think?? ;)
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever Smoke is much more concentrated than smog, ESP for the actual smoker 
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever Just because something can mutate DNA and be deadly doesn't mean it does every time: just that you risk it every time
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever And the article says cigs aren't usually the sole cause of death, and that risk is much higher in ppl with other conditions 
NerdyChristie @love2laugh4ever The better q is why bingo ladies survived so long... What about their genetic makeup makes them resistant to mutation? :)
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie bingo women and men ... quite a memory ... some in their 90's and the room was always full ... from just one small town.. 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Smoke is much more concentrated than smog, ESP for the actual smoker 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie good Q. too. But still so many more causes ... how can one be singled out so easily? Stats always piss me off... ;) 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Most math always made sense to me ... I dreamed in it like dreaming in french. got D- in statistics ... totally nutty to me
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Scientists tend to research what they expect to be true & then end up proving it. eg sickle cell+black; yet black irrelevant
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie and yet I love science ... but now it makes sense I hated lab! LOL
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie mutate DNA .. a cool thing to see and learn .. but if one... how many more? Which is significant? Who cares if u get nailed? 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie re smoking ... like how i cringe at outlandish conclusions & u see the awesome kernels of useful research & implications 
My daughter then tweeted a link to cool blog post about same-sex mice making baby mice which I shared on facebook and a link to discover's list of cool articles, the first of which caught my attention:
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie Yet the decline effect’s ubiquity seems to violate the laws of statistics. ...
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie This suggests that the decline effect is actually a decline of illusion.... 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie The decline effect is troubling because it reminds us how difficult it is to prove anything. ... need this article ;( 
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie hate to know we can't really know anything for sure.  [my Is It Ever Just poem]
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie or re knowing from my lighter side: [my Reflection On Dog poem]
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie re smoking ... like how i cringe at outlandish conclusions & u see the awesome kernels of useful research & implications 
NerdyChristie: @love2laugh4 and that's why I'm a scientist ;)
love2laugh4ever: @NerdyChristie and why I am a poet ;) 
got distracted from Criminal Minds for a bit ... back to skimming ones I have seen before

Criminal Minds: John Calvin:
"The torture of a bad conscience is the hell of a living soul."
And no one is free from regrets. Certainly not me.

Criminal Minds: Mahatma Gandhi said:
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
For me, I feel both intimately.

Criminal Minds: Francis Bacon
"In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."
There are moments when I see my core self ... who I am ... as the brightly shining light, and there are other moments when I mostly see the darkness present.

Criminal Minds: George Chakiris:
"No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." 
I think what I learned from the survivor quitters, is that suicide is quitting, because I have not reached my limits of despair and because dark moments always have an element of light, which is why a future moment can always be darker and why another moment yet to happen is always lighter. Pain always subsides, even if does return, even if worse than ever before.

I am always surprised by the relevancy of the order of episodes and when I happen to watch them. (Of course I don't always put in all the quotes.) Should I be more surprised were I to learn that it is me listening and filtering that causes the relevancy, that luck and feeling blessed is only a matter of noticing? Is it because I look, that I see? Or is it because of how I am ... so unable to think within the box, because for me there are no boxes? I connect anything to anything else however different because that is how I see, like connecting black holes to depression, like what fascinated me in what I read today and in all quotes of criminal minds. Not the why actually matters.... but I find it interesting.... and sometimes it has thinking I am important, that I matter, that I am interesting ... In a universe so vast, it is improbably that I matter, and yet, it seems necessary as part of being human to believe the illusion that I do; cause it seems impossible to shake off that I do, no matter obvious that I cannot matter seems to be.

Criminal Minds: An old Russian proverb:
"There can be no good without evil."
That sounds accurate but is it? I would think we might not it as good ... but it would fine with me to not know and have just good. Maybe by seeing the distinction we invite more evil than there would be were we not to notice ... the way animals seem to be. Maybe the tree of knowledge of the bible is about bringing evil into our hearts and staining our innate goodness.

Perfection is unattainable as is being solely good ... and yet I fault myself for being neither; I take away from the good because of when I fail to be what I would like and because I could have been or so I think.

Criminal Minds: Leo Tolstoy:
"Happy families are all alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
Again, sounds accurate, but is it? This is probably the perspective of someone from an unhappy family. I suspect that happy families are happy in their own unique way, the way marriages work well when they do, but never in the same way, for the same reasons. I have noticed people on facebook spouting similar profundities, which upon a closer inspection are not really about wisdom at all; they are all about surface and have little substance or depth.

Criminal Minds: British historian, James A Froude:
"Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the one for whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself."
Which is why we see animals as innocent. Children are innocent for a time, however brief. We morn the loss of our innocence, we cling to our childhood, or at least to the idea of childhood, of being innocent.

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speaking to a universe without ears