I feel like there are shards of me slicing and cutting me into pieces from the inside out. I don't think there are any days that I do not cry. I find the fat that grows and grows an odd kind of comfort.
It was hard seeing my daughter last month. I appreciated it and yet I can't hide the truth of how she sees me and cannot tolerate me. My parents don't keep her from me anymore/ She is all grown up and it is her choice -- just like Kian. He called me the other day and we talked for a long tie about politics. I cannot remember a conversation with him that was that long. It's been way too many years.
I don't think I will make it to his wedding. I don't see how I can do it. I am sorry.
The misconception my family has is that I can get better and that was better before. I used to hide the truth in plain sight and it is easy to believe those moments of better behavior meant what was has been seething inside was never there.
There is so much pain. Too much to manage anymore except by horrific self-neglecting behavior.I periodically dream of someone caring enough to save me. Truth is that is just too big and it is getting worse.
I feel like dirty scum floating on the water, circling and swirling its way down the drain.
I am hiding in plain sight and people who see glimpses turn away. It's too hard too see.