"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace." Thomas Paine
I am always amazed by how TV speaks to my life. I suppose that is because like so many others, I am very ordinary.
I thought I would be doing better after going to Boston, but I am doing worse, or perhaps as bad as before. I am not sure which.
Princess is getting a bit fatter and heavier. Not exactly a sign of dying. She has a healthy appetite.
It was awful when the power went our last night for a few hours. I had nothing to distract me or block out thoughts and the sadness and hopelessness was deafening.
While I have been avoiding everything all week, I didn't feel much, and certainly not so sad. I realized that the hope i had let in by going to the funeral and seeing family caught me off guard and it was real. To have the taste of it so fresh and then to have it dissolve away. To feel the loss again hurts. I hate hope. All it brings is pain. And yet I want it. I want to live, even while I wish I were dead. It's complicated.
I can't say that if my family knew, then someone would care enough, because now they all know.
No one has room to add me into their lives. There's no benefit unless they value the kindness it be to me. I understand. But it is very sad. Sometimes it is just too sad. It hurts so much.
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