Toxcity

I wrote a poem called that. I do feel that hanging with me is toxic. I have always felt that way. I have always been afraid to be too involved, to be to close. With my kids it has been a compromised between loving thenm and being sure that they had the best I could offer and keeping them at arms length so I wouldn't harm them with how I am.

It breaks my heart to feel their loss and yet I orchestrated it. They didn't leave me. I let them go. I talk them how to be on their own. I gave them Concord Academy instead of me because it had everything I am not, structure, reliability, opportunity. I had love, but it wasn't enough. I watched over them to be sure no one harmed them. I couldn't protect them from everything. I couldn't teach them everything, but I could be their as an anchor, always on their side. I fought for them like a pit bull when I felt it necessary. I protected them and I always loved them. But I let them go. I taught them how to have a good life without me, because I am poison.

I suupose they couldn't have helped but felt the distance at times. I know I wasn't perfect. I was late when i never should have been. I am sorry. But I was so afraid to leave to others without my guidance and so afraid that having them close would stifle them. I know I did well. I was very good at teaching them how not to have me in their lives. I wish they were but I know they shouldn't be. It just hurts. I love them so much but I know that I can't be around them anymore. I want it but I can't have it.

I look at Princess now. She could have had a better home. But no one loves her more. Now, everyone would kill her. She'd old. She needs help walking/ She's just old. She iis not ill. She is not in pain. I don't do the best by her, but she wants to be here. She wants to be here more than I do. I can't abandon her. I can't kill. It is hard to take care of her, but I manage. It's not ideal, but she doesn't deserve to die just to be more convenient for me. She doesn't deserve to be killed after a lifetime of loving me and the kids unconditionally. And she even loved the other dogs and cats too. She likes being with me still. I don't know why. I suppose you have to be a dog or a cat to be able to live with me or to have me in your life.I she wasn't crippled for her sake. I am not ideal for giving her the best life this way. But my short comings don't mean she should die. She likes life. And she still loves me and wants to be with me. God knows why; I don't,