july 2010

Christie visited me in June and in July I failed to make my phone payment that was months overdue and my phone was shut off on the 8th. I went back to writing in my obituary journal.

07-14-10 10:23 pm

From Criminal Minds:

“One need not be a chamber to be haunted. One need not be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place.”  (unsure) … Emily Dickerson

“There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man.” … Olivius ? (unsure)

I was imagining fixing it and paying the bill and didn't.

07-21-10 10:43 pm

I want to be dead. I am so tired. I am feeling comfort from my ballooning obesity and my disconnected phone. No one can reach me so I don’t feel like no one wants to. Need to pay my bill, but can’t call in payment. Too complex. I wish I could drown in the ocean. I wish I could disappear. 

Then Kian came. It was years ago that Kian visited. I was surprised.

07-26-10 06:15 am

Kian and his girlfriend Chelsea stopped by unexpectedly for a few hours yesterday on their way to Maine. Christie visited for 2 days last month. I want to write this in case I die before things get better. I want both my children to know that if I die before things get better then I want to say at least I am no longer in so much pain. If I die of obesity it is only because I didn’t know how else to let go and I didn’t know how to survive.

I have worked so hard to foster your being who you are and reaching for what matters to you and I don’t want to cripple that with my life or my death.

I don’t want you to ruin your lives for me or because of me and I love both more that you could ever know.

I am so sorry for being who I am.

It is hard to understand why I cannot live with my family and I want you to understand that it is not my fault that I am broken. 

You cannot imagine what it was like to grow up verbally battered and humiliated and taunted. You cannot understand what it is like to live in a family where they tease and ridicule you and do not like you for who you are. Maybe it would be different if I had the capacity socially to form sustainable friendships. Maybe it would have been different if I was enjoyable to hang out with and a benefit to other people more than a drain. Maybe if my brother had not molested me at such a critical moment of time when I was 11, I would not panic the way I do and freeze and let horrible things happen to me because I cannot speak and fight back for myself. I have spent my life trying to fix myself, to function in spite of myself and I have failed. I am so sorry.

I keep hitting my head hoping the pain will give me some peace and it is not working anymore. I just want to die. I don't care what happens to anything anymore. I am a coward to live and I am a coward to die and I just want to be dead. If there is a god, please make the pain end. I want to be dead. Please kill me. Please, Please help me die.

07-27-10 09:01 pm

I am so afraid of being myself around people, I am so afraid of feeling shunned for who I am. I so afraid of being discarded like garbage. I want to be heard and I want to be unseen. I am disgusted by the results of how I am.

I don’t understand the pain. I know it hurts.

07-28-10 02:57 am 

I am afraid that everyone is going to give up on me.

I not afraid people will give up on me anymore. They have. I just want to be dead. Let me not wake up tomorrow, Please let me be dead.

07-30-10 06:19 pm 

Kian didn’t get phone turned on this week and in 40 minutes it can’t be fixed until next week. I don’t know why. He may not even come today like he said he would and even if he does, he needs to be at the airport by 8 am tomorrow to return his car. If he doesn’t come I will not know why. I hate hope. I had no right to be upset because he doesn’t have to help me and it is not his fault I am the way I am.

When he showed up last Sunday, I had real hope. I hate that. Less than ½ an hour now. Even if he comes, it is too late unless he does it himself. A fleck of hope remains though it is unreasonable to believe it. I wonder when hope he comes will fade into the black void of impossibility?

Anonymous

Before I die I want to post all my journaling on line and all my poetry. I want my dog to have had the rest of her life. I want my children to know how much I love them, how much pain I am in, and how it is best that I died. I want to be heard.

I am so sorry for how I am. 

Fifteen minutes and I will be sure I have no phone until Monday at the earliest. I should not have asked him for help. I wish had not stopped even though I missed him and was happy he came. 

It is harder to know for a fact that you know the truth about me and still you choose to abandon me, to barely include me in your life. I think depression is so ugly no one is wiling to be near it. I can’t imagine the extent of the distaste and disgust that one has to be able to turn away. I wonder if it isn’t a lack of importance or interest. Is it just insignificance? 

I hope that if it is not possible in life that in death my children will find a way to forgive me.

….

Too late for the phone. I must be so stupid to believe in anything. I wish I didn’t feel anymore. It will be worse when he doesn’t show tonight. I don’t want to feel this way.

If I don’t die maybe I can find a way to live by ranting about how horrific is it to be human. I used to believe lawyers were the bottom scum feeders but I think gossip TV and internet reach a new low. Thing is I have learned a bit about rock bottom and that is that until you die, the bottom is bottomless. Doesn’t bode well for humanity.

…

It’s twenty till eight and it looks like he is no show, but he could stop by for a few minutes on the way back. Hard to be sure. Hope is fading fast.

At least while I think about other things there is a reprieve from pain.

…

It’s almost 8:30pm. I have been imagining when I finally give up how I will drive to the post office, or across NH to the open Walmart. I wonder when I will give up. Kian and Chelsea don’t fly out until Saturday night, will I concede to the fact that they won’t come before then? Hard to know. I imagine going out a lot and rarely do. I feel like I am floating in quicksand.

No one should feel this bad. It’s nearly 9pm.I don’t think Kian is coming. I wish this didn’t hurt so much.

I think my mother and father keep my kids from me. I wish they would stop. I hurt so much. There is always a new low. That is what I have to look forward too as long as I live.

…

It’s 10:37pm now. My son is likely not coming. I’m feeling numb about it. I’m cold. The it’s 62 degrees inside, 56 outside. The cold feels better than the pain. TV is distracting. I live it instead of me for a while.

Still wonder will he come? At 11:24pm that’s unlikely but I still want to believe he might come. I’m afraid to go any where, even the post office, because I might miss him.

07-31-10 12:43 am

Kian didn’t come yet. Not sure if he even gives me a thought or anything.

1:42am he didn’t come. 5:53am, guess he won’t be coming. I wish I could explain why he forgot me. 7:11am, maybe I will sleep a bit. Still did not go out.

It is time to take the pictures down off my wall. Pack up nice things and throw out the rest. It is time to get ready to die. I no longer want to be anywhere. There is no hope for me. I just need to get the courage to die.