In April of 2008 I received a package from Japan, telling me that they were going to sign a new contract with David unless I contacted them. I also missed the letter also in the package telling me that they would pay David for me for existing contracts and let him pay me.
I always look back in hindsight and wish I could have seen that second letter or just acted on the first. In hindsight I always see small actions that could have changed the out come of events to follow. It seems real, but some of my speculations are probably lies. How could I know what would have changed things and made a difference. I think in truth the best any action might have done would have been to postpone where I am today. I have seen many of actions I have taken as critical to making things hold together, so this seems more plausible.
It speaks to how I live my life. Always on the edge, fighting to stay alive, above water. And when I am above water, I am trying not to be pulled under.
So again I am going to ask my children to forgive me for being how I am. I had a conversation on the phone with my daughter the other day and she asked me why don't I do something ... and I thought silently ... if you only knew the simple things that I cannot do today that are so much more important, you still wouldn't understand. I am so sorry for how I am. I am slipping away and while I live, I hope you forgive me. After I am gone, I don't think forgiveness will matter to me anymore. I would hope that what makes your life best is how you choose to think of me. I am just so very very sorry.
In May or June, a friend, Wanda, talked with me on the phone. I ran out of food and had not eaten for days and felt fine. It was a tuesday or wednesday and was concerned that I would be ok if she waited until Friday. At the time, I did not see why she was concerned and it was only much later that I realized I was letting go.
Her visit made a difference. My nephew, Phil came sometime then and bought me a lot of food. And my daughter came which started the process of filing for disability which I couldn't focus enough to manage.
In February, March and April, my parents had paid bills for me and the banking got messed up and they got frustrated, realizing that I wasn't permanently solving the problems I had.
I understand what it must feel like helping me, and watching me slip under again and thinking it was a waste. There is truth to that, but in the moment, it did matter and I did value it and I did try. I am so sorry I fail you.
I understand that you have to let an anchor go or pull you under too I don't want that.
I am not stopping trying. I expect I will get the car payment and phone bill paid and even my current tax bill.
I expect, that somehow, I will resolve the past debt, get ink cartridges from staples so I can write a letter, and maybe reestablish selling stuff ... when is the question of course.
Still, I expect to lose my house, and eventually I will die. Sometimes, like now when it feels really bad, I think that maybe if there is kindness in the universe, it will be sooner. Sometimes, I imagine that my children will have children and I think of how much I would love to know them, Those times I think later would be kinder. Sometimes when I laugh or think of something else I hope for later. Forgive me if I hope for sooner and it comes true.
I don't write about the good times, not because they do not matter, because they do. They make such a difference. I write to manage pain. I do not need to manage pain when things are good.
My daughter's visit in the summer of 2008 made such a huge difference and I so sorry I fell apart by the end of 2009. But you have to realize how long I survived and what I did do well, even with all I did not do well. I am so grateful for everything anyone does for me, however small. It always makes a difference.
There are two more entries in 2008. Here is the first.
07-25-08 04:05 am
I’ve been stressing and doing very little trying to find my way out. Things are changing. I would say before yesterday Or maybe the day before, I was under water wondering when or if I would surface. Then I realize because my daughter was helping and talking to me that I would be on the way out of life, but I didn’t know if I would ever resurface. I was trying to find a way to live very small, wanting nothing but my dogs, the ability to be self sufficient, and try for humor and company.
Yesterday I caught myself wanting things. Actually it was 5 days ago (Sunday) when I wanted to weigh under 250 before I bought food. At that time I weighed 256. I ran out of food except for about 4 oz of cream cheese (I ate the last of it Wednesday) and I have Green First Dietary supplement of Fruits and vegetables (45 cal packets). I wasn’t hungry unless I got out of bed and I drank water and tea and ate some spicy 0 cal. mustard too. Yesterday I weighed 249, and I went out and bought food (2 bags of popcorn, small red potatoes, and 2 bananas) with the last $5.50 I had. I didn’t intend to not eat that long—for that many days, it just happened one day at a time.
A few more goals crept in yesterday before I realized I was wanting things… Like having 250 be my top weight and weighing under 240 next and eventually having 200 be my top weight. And also wanting the living room cleaned out of all the junk lying around, and eventually being able to walk around the kitchen, bedroom, and dining room easily.
I think my head has surfaced, I can see myself picturing a life of living rather than one of existing. I am pragmatic. I know I will be back under again and I am a long way from making it out of the water but I pretty sure I am in the light when I look down into the black rather than in the black looking up for light.
This next piece is a letter I am writing for my parents, I’ve been writing it in my head for weeks. I have been thinking that when I had written it the way I wanted that I would send it, but at this moment I am pretty sure I won’t. And I think that’s why I will probably stay broken, but I can’t control what else will break and I don’t want to cause that. Anyway here goes.
Dear Ma and Dad.
I want to apologize for being such a burden when you have limited years left and don’t want to be taking care of me. You don’t have money to spare and live the way you want to live. You want me to tell you want I need and what I need is to not be broken and that isn’t possible. I’ve spent my lifetime trying to fix me and I have failed. Perhaps you can understand if I start at the beginning. I don’t forget things. I never let go of them. I don’t know how.
Ironically, I think you tried your best to protect me and keep me safe and you did that by isolating me from the world and leaving me to my brothers. I didn’t choose to be who I am, -- overly sensitive – unable to hide what I feel, still I wouldn’t change it for anything. The best of my character comes from that. My brothers made my life miserable, particularly Raimond. No one liked me. Everyone liked making fun of me. I found brief reprieve in school and at camp, but it is part of who I am that I cry easily, and everywhere that was known. My nickname of ostrich was accurate, because how could I survived my brothers tormenting if I didn’t stick my head in the sand. You never let them hit me, so all they had was words. Who knows if that would been enough to break me but then add two events that happened in late August when I was eleven, and I think after that not much could be done… cause trust me I have done it all since and nothing changes how I am. I don’t blame anyone. I don’t harbor any ill will towards anyone. I just wish I could fix me.
I was eleven 1 month from eleven and a half. Raimond was 13 one 1month from 14. We were children. Rai was a bully. He was never nice to me until then, when I came back from camp, thin, pretty, and showing the start of breasts. I don’t blame Rai cause he was a child and no one ever stopped him from bullying. He was the strongest and that meant he was always right.
The first event (not sure which came first chronologically) was at the dinner table. We were finishing dinner and eating corn and arguing (fond memories for me) and the Rai and I got into something verbally and he said if I said something again he would hit me over the head with ear of corn. I said he couldn’t that he wouldn’t dare, He said he would if I dared him. When insisted he couldn’t he did. And everyone laughed and said I asked for it. I expected to be safe from him when you were there and I never thought he would do it or that you would allow it. Sure it didn’t hurt me, it humiliated me. I was defenseless. Seems pretty silly on one level (but he took the only safe place from him away from me) add add the add that to the event and can you possibly see how it is not silly to me.
There were three parts to this. First night shortly after I got back from camp Rai came downstairs into my room and started talking to me – about camp, about how much weight I lost and how good I looked, about my winning a race, about a lot of things. It felt great that my big brother was talking to me as a sister he liked. It was a novel experience and I was thrilled. And then the conversation turned to my breasts, and asked me if he could touch them and I said no and he kept persisting and I kept saying no. And so he tickled my side and as I reacted he grabbed one and pushed back. I don’t know if I said no or nothing when he asked if I liked it after telling me that it felt nice. He wanted to touch me again and I said no. I was freaked out and I had pushed myself back against the headboard of my bed with my arms clenching my knees to my chest tightly. So he talked some more before leaving making sure I was calmed down and then he left and I locked the door.
The second time 1 or 2 nights later (pretty sure it was the next night), he just came in when I was hanging out in my room. I was scared from the start. He talked for a while and then wanted to touch me again. I said no. He tried to convince I would like it and that he liked it and then he tickled me like he was playing and groped me. I kept telling him to stop. I was terrified and eventually he did stop. Again he waited awhile talking and left.
I got smart after that and I went into my room when he wasn’t around and locked the door and didn’t let him in when he asked me to. And so I thought I was safe. But one night (possibly the next night) he hid in waiting. I looked and I thought he wasn’t around, I went downstairs, and just as I was almost there, he bolted by me (from out of nowhere it seemed) and pushed his way into my room before I could stop him. This time there was much less pretense about wanting to talk to me. He wanted to tickle me, and I said no he did anyway. He came onto the bed tickling. I was terrified. I tried to fight him off, but I wasn’t strong enough. Eventually, to limit my struggling he pinned my arms above my head and used his body on top of mine to pin me down so I couldn’t move, then took one hand to hold both my wrists so he grope my breasts with the other. And I begged him to stop and to let me go and then tried to kiss me and stick his tongue in my mouth and I remember clenching my lips and teeth together and turning my head to the side and straining my neck so he could reach me. I was so far beyond terrified. I have no idea of how long I struggled, but I remember feeling every part his body pinning mine down. I was hysterical. Not sure why he stopped, why he didn’t do anything more than that. Maybe it was his inexperience, his guilt, or even his conscience, or maybe he got scared by how I was freaking out. Anyway you look at it, it was a blessing that he stopped.
Again I remember him staying awhile, talking to me, making sure I was not going to say anything, so I complied, talking with him as if I was ok so he would leave, and he did. That was a week or two before he went away to boarding school. After that I spent every night upstairs watching TV with you ma. I sat at your feet. I remember you thinking it odd. (I think you sensed something was wrong, but how could you or any one else ever conceive of what actually happened. Until Rai left for high school, I didn’t go down to my own room unless everyone was going to bed and I could be absolutely sure Rai that could not follow me and get into my room before I could lock him out. After that I always locked myself in.
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