last entry of 2008

I don't remember when Christie visited, either it was July or August, possibly June. I have no sense of time or the order of things unless I can anchor them to something specific.

I would have to find something I wrote or emailed to be sure. I expect at some point I will figure it out.

The last entry of 2008 was simple and to the point. I was starting to move out of the ditch ... getting help and getting state medicaid assistance and food stamps. With the help of my daughter, that came to be as well many other things. By October I had medication and was starting to see a psychologist, by december I had successful help filing for disability, and June of the following year, I had received it. All I posted in 2009 was poetry from my past, much of which I tweaked, as I usually do. I did a lot of other things trying to make my life work and failed at many and by the end of the year as I was switched to medicare, I slipped and started to fall off the grid.

I can tell the stupid things I tried to do and failed, I could write of successes that ultimately faded. I spent a lot of that year talking with Deedee and enjoying her. By February of 2010 (I think, could have been March or April), I let her go. I saw that I had nothing else to offer her and I was just a drain and all I could do was annoy her. I don't think she would remember it that way, but I am not a good friend. I don't understand how to maintain a friendship and I get too depressed to manage one. It is not right to impose on a person you care and value and I couldn't see any hope. I have always liked Deedee, I always will.

The entry on 2008 was a quote from Criminal Minds. Often, when I can't express all of what's happening I resort to poetry or TV.

08-06-08 10:18 pm 

"There is no refuge from confession but suicide and suicide is confession" … Daniel Webster

I am not suicidal. But suicide has been a real question of living for me since high school. In high school I spent a lot of senior year getting everyone to tell me what they thought love was. I was confused and conflicted by the love my parents had for me as their daughter as evidenced by all the privileges and the education I was given, and the complete lack of like much less love for who I am.

One can honestly consider this blog and my poetry as a confession. I often write for those I love to forgive me. I would like that but more to the point I would like to forgive myself for how I am.

All the love and kindness I have given and could give would never balance how I am in my own eyes. I am truly sorry. How do you ever balance infinity?