Safety is always on my mind. Anxiety is ever present. May 8, 2008 was when I decided to face that I no longer wanted health. I wasn't living that way. The sign was a lie. It had been pealing off the wall slowly. And it would be just as slowly that I would allow my health to deteriorate as well. When things end they drag on painfully obviously and slowly, worsening until they end and even then they echo in my mind and I imagine changing course... having things get better ... or even just managing and moving on well... haven't yet.
My war with hope has been obvious since I split with Bruce... painfully slowly dragging on...
By the May 14,2008, I saw in despair and anger where I was heading. Angry with myself and angry with the world...
It is disheartening to see the foresight more than 2 1/2 years ago. The future is not promising. However far off the end is, the painful living up to it is so sad and hard to know. I suppose there is a glimmer of hope that what I write brings some reason to my existence through it all.
05-14-08 11:38 am
I know where I am heading and its not good. I have seen myself fight against the tide over and over again and I keep spiraling down. I never win. And I know any footsteps forwards will eventually be taken back and more as well.
The foresight eats at my heart. And the hopelessness of the repetitiveness of where I am eventually going to end up is too hard to fight against.
I am a pitiful example of a human being. All the kindness and generosity can ‘t outweigh the neediness and ridiculous behavior in how I live.
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