Once it is on the internet it will be there forever...

I suppose this is what I am counting on... a way to be heard by the universe with no ears. The internet comment is part of the criminal minds episode I am watching... it's about narcissism. Self-love. I suppose as harsh as it may seem, I think I suffer from this. I think in a real way all of what I write tries to explain, justify my life and to make it right. I want it to be right, that I did the best I could, that even if the face of seemingly impossible inabilities at times, that I wanted to do the right thing and that I do the best I can, It doesn't seem so to other people. It makes no sense to me either. How can I not do anything day after day and then all of sudden be able to. I talk briefly to people, politely, thanking them for opening a door, or helping me find something in the store...I know I feel anxious and I am paranoid of falling apart and exposing how I feel, but still I do stuff. How could it have been real that I didn't do anything for so long. I don't understand why I ruin my life and am so unhappy. So many opportunities to do one critical thing to change the course of things ... and yes so many times I do it, but inevitably the time comes when I don't and I can't change the past. I can't fix what I could have at so many points along the way down, It's like pushing that boulder up the hill, slipping and pushing back, repeatedly .... I always lose in the end... how much more do I have to watch myself destroying .... staving off the destruction .... seeming to succeed over and over until it is impossible to fix and even them I keep trying ... and then I keep imaging option out in my mind.... Is there any possibility that this could be different this time?


In the mail I got these past few days, my current tax bill was properly lowered and a letter from the town clerk encouraged me to ask for an abatement of my back tax bill ... It looks likely now that I have a way out... but in the end will I lose my house? How long will it take it I do lose it? What will it be like living through it. Princess seems to be living not dying ... it could be a ling time. Yeas more ... I suppose for me that's what living is, wanting more ... but living how I do.


The next entries I wrote in June 2008 are very telling ... can't help but see the repetitive spiraling down.


It's been so long because it is hard to pretend to try, knowing failure is inevitable, but I see in myself that I will anyway and maybe (or probably) during this push upward I will believe again in the possibility that I can live the rest of my life differently... That's what hope is all about. You see stories of overcoming the odds or adversity I wonder if like me that momentary is part of their life pattern. Not everyone's spirals like mine does. Everyone has their own unique design. I don't know what makes the pattern form, but I suppose I can accept mine and make the best of it, the best of the good times and survive the worst. It isn't like fighting it will make it change anymore than you can control the weather. Maybe accepting how I am and making the best of it give me some measure of peace.


(The only way I ever really reach for the sky, as though I can reach it, is by believing there is a chance, that I have it within me to succeed. It makes sense and I have thought through all the past failures of times I was sure I would succeed and this time seems different. Kind of scary to contemplate that inevitable course of events, given where I am now ... I suppose I should listen to myself more, because I always say, now is all that is real and that matters. Making a difference today is all that matters, regardless of what the circumstances of tomorrow are. How ironic, I think I have found a way out. And I know (believe in the inevitability) that I haven't. Yet, I believe now still.


The entries of my 2008 obituary journal were written between June 17th and June 28th ... They were extractions from 2005 ... the last line of the first is haunting:

Sanity is to know and not to dwell on the secrets inside me.

This is the first entry.

extracted/edited from 2-14-2005 Secrets

I talk a lot about freedom, the way I value it highly. Yet, the reality of it haunts and touches me deeply.

There are people in my life who are genuine, whose goodness is remarkable, and they are not the only few whom I believe truly love me. Still, I do not trust anyone, ever — really.

There are times when I aim not to live defensively, but I suspect that for me to live this way may be an impossibility. Living is risk, and what I believe is that eventually shit will slap my face, not because I act foolishly — even though I do, and not because it is logical — whether or not it is, and not because I am imperfect or even me. Maybe I am a shit-magnet, or maybe shit slaps everyone — I just take it too personally. There is always a reason when shit happens, and there seems to be no way to avoid shit and live — living has no guarantees.

In my heart, I believe living with the truth and the value of freedom opens me. I want to live honest and free, and I run from both.

I hold inside the burning pain that comes with honesty, free, and living. It is difficult and painful for me to be with me. I live to love. Safety is devoid of purpose, and risk is full of terror. Alone is not usually lonely. Among people is usually lonely.

Sanity is to know and not to dwell on the secrets inside me. 

The next is about my dreams. In 2005 I saw the possibility of having them come true. I imagine what I really wanted as I have so many times during my life, as I do even now. It is hard to imagine how I can go from apparently living well to living horrifically. I know inside I am always in turmoil, but it is striking on the outside, how quickly things can change. I am apparently building my life and dreams, repairing my house, fixing my bathroom, cleaning up my yard and then in the next moment I am not ... Todau the state if these things are horrific (not an overly stated). Sometimes I think I understand how I am and other times I cannot make sense of it. I suppose that is why I question my integrity and honesty with myself ... it seems true and untrue. That's a bit crazy. (refer back to my last quote... (too much introspection ...)


These next questions and answers come from workshops with Robert and Rosalind Fritz... today my answers are still the same. I do know what I want.

extracted/edited from 2-28-2005 What I Want

* consider your long-term aspirations and values. -- course helps you create a strategy to build your life around these factors.

long-term aspirations: involved in what I do, learning, excitement, pride in its quality, interested in what I do... I would like to feel that being alive is a good thing. I’d like to respect how I act. I would like to write excellent poetry and essays on stuff that interests me, that is humorous and interesting and engaging.

(I want to write well)

My Values: truth, honesty, love, generosity, freedom, involvement, integrity, dogs and my children, family, home 

* consider your inner life. What  do  you want? Include any spiritual, mystical, aesthetic, or philosophical dimensions that may be important to you.

peace with the unknown. a healthy perspective, perhaps humor with how ultimately meaningless life seems to be.

* consider your relationships. What is the quality of relationships you want in your life?

intimacy, honesty, respect, humor and playfulness, love.

I’d like to be physically intimate with someone who wanted that with me. I enjoy people and I like that. I find people interesting, so interacting with people is fun.

I would like to spend time with people I like who like who I am and who enjoy their time with me.

I want to be able to recognize assholes and choose wisely about that. I’d like to trust myself with other people.

I would like good friends.

I would like to spend time with my children, doing fun stuff or hanging out together. I would like to know my children, what matters to them.

* consider questions of life-style, health, and direction. How do you think about it and what do you want?

I like the variety, freedom of my time and choices to do whatever. I’d like energy, well-being, strength, and pleasure in movement. I like using my mind and contributing to something for someone else.

I would like to do things that are fun and figure out what those are. Often it seems less a question of what I am doing as much as with whom.

I like swimming and playing at the water park in the wave pool. I like walking with someone I like and hanging out.

I like to talk about life, politics, people’s behavior. I like to laugh. I love humor.

* study the way you make important life decisions. study the ways you react or respond to the circumstances in your life.

* consider anything else that seems important to consider as it contributes to you creating more of the life you want to create.

I would like financial ease, to have plenty of money to take care of my home and dogs and to travel to my kinds and to occasionally help them or give to them, and to do learn stuff like poetry and mac programming. (to have a few toys on occasion)

I suppose if I were to dream big, I would want my own pool -- year round accessible / heated -- private -- where I could swim naked -- where I could exercise.

I would like my home to feel spacious and enjoyable to be in and free of clutter  that I don’t have any interest in.