almost full circle

These next few entries are right before I started this blog.

I suppose that is how the spiral works.

04-09-10 08:46 pm

Tinkie died over Easter. She was 12. She disappeared: drowned, eaten, run over, ran away to die, upstairs dead — who knows?

Princess is having more and more problems walking. She’s dying slowly.

I am as good as dead. Hopeless. Horrific excuse for a life. Eating myself to death to resemble living. Harder and harder to enjoy anything. Hard to get out. Hard to breathe. Hard to live. So much pain.

From Criminal Minds:

“It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us.” … Norman Maclean. 

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering.” … Ben Ocree? (not sure)

I think I am a fraud.

04-10-10 04:46 pm

I am dying to live. I need to find a way to live. I want my family to care enough to help, and I have to accept that this way is not available to me.

I need dignity and I have lost it. I need to respect myself and I have never known how. I know why. I do not know how to change it.

Please don’t let me drown in my alone abyss.

Well I hoped, but today, I know that I will drown alone. It will be ugly and not worthy of any one to bother with. I continued this post.

04-10-10 04:46 pm

I didn’t know there was no bottom until this time. I used to think I hit bottom and then came back up for air.

I need someone who doesn’t take it personally that I fail, because there are no guarantees.

I’d like to do good with my life whether I make it or not. A form of redemption.

I have so much love for my daughter and son and I am caught between the horrific option of involvement and the horrific option of non-involvement which leads to my death by self-destruction.

I do not know if it will be one year or five or more, but alone I am almost sure of the inevitable. 54 years of history is weighing heavily against me. It would be a real miracle to succeed on my own, without anyone on my side. I need a touch of kindness. I am asking for anyone’s help  who has that to offer and who will not be harmed by knowing the truth of how horrifically I live.

Most people can only tolerate a story that has a happy ending. One can hear about depression only from one who has overcome. 

From Criminal Minds:

“Many persons have the wrong idea about what constituted true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.” Hellen Keller

Sinking In Abyss

My next post is very telling about why I write this depressing horrific exposure of how I am.

04-14-10 10:19 pm

I wrote what I did on the 10^th to make it to today. Nearly out of food, haven’t showered in nearly a year. Have not brushed my teeth in months or washed my hair, nor combed it. I cannot remember when.

I need to pay my mortgage before I am ninety days overdue. I need to buy food, dog food too.

I am so tired.