New beginnings or ways to hide

Am I changing the structural foundation of how I am with my voice and it just takes time. It doesn't all happen in one day. Or have I found a new way to avoid, by involvement in interactions on facebook and survivor and cyber survivor etc...


If the latter, would it matter? After all aren't some forms of avoiding better than others?


Criminal Minds quote by French poet, Jacques Rigaut

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself. My role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."

Hard to know what is real. Maybe what is real about my newfound voice on the internet and interaction with people I don't know is the start of change. Maybe what it is, is not yet set in concrete. You can start a fractal but you can't predict the outcome.


How will I know what I cannot know now?


Truth is that I haven't been wanting to be dead, but behavior hasn't changed. I still haven't left the house. I posted on a number of blogs. I don't feel inhibited anymore.


Criminal Minds quote by Rose Kennedy:

"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them."

So maybe it is ok that I am enjoying what I am doing, regardless of what I am not doing. Why not enjoy the sunlight when it shines.


Chan Teck Loong is a survivor fan who friended me based on my posts and has contacted me to tell me his appreciation of me as a mother. After someone noted it was SON Week, I posted this:

Kian, It's son's week ... how cool is that cause I am lucky enough to have had you. I love you.

Chan Teck Loong is from Kuching, Malaysia and he has been commenting on my loving posts to my children. He instant messaged me this morning. And just now commented on the post:

He's born to be your son. No matter good times, or bad times be there for him. God bless you all.

He said "welcome" after I answered:

Thank you. You are a gentle and kind soul. I love that I have been able to be a mother.

I looked him up. I remember being afraid for just a moment before accepting his friendship because I didn't know why he friended me. I am now glad I took the chance and said yes. He was born June 29, 1975. I feel that he is an old soul in a young body.

Looking at his wall posts in music, I feel like I see a piece of who he is. I feel connected and distant enough not to be able to screw it up. He's a sweet young man, like a son.

I feel like that when I make the few comments I have with Rory or with Jocelyn.

What is real about it? What does question even mean? And would it matter? I experience it as real and connected.

And I just found out my daughter bought her iphone! Makes me very happy.