Survivor...

I love survivor. I find people interesting.

I have been playing the survivor game. It's a bit simplistic but I wanted to see what happened at the end ... Well, the game's a bit buggy and it stops giving you points and stuff you need when you get so close to the end that awarding you would exceed the max.

Anyway, I am determined to get all 1907 points which is hours and hours away ... I am also growing my tribe by friending survivor players. I am aiming first for 50 members (at 39 now) ... ideally I want to get 100 to 500 ... assuming there are enough people playing. But for the moment, 50 is hard and is what I am aiming for .. something significantly bigger than anyone else. At this point, I think I have the largest tribe, but to reach that within a day ... seems insignificant.

It's all another way to pass the days away. I enjoy the irony of having the largest tribe and yet I live alone, talk to no one, and have no real friends (just people I know). Filling up the hollowness with cyberspace.

I have only shed tears once in the past two days. I forget what I was thinking, but I think I posted here then.

I am pragmatic about living and trying to keep the pain at bay. I know I am wasting each day but I don't know what else to do. Anything else just hurts so much. Even just thinking this now hurts.

I saw that Wanda was on facebook so I friended her. There is a sad solace in knowing someone you like wants to connect with you, even if you don't know why or never speak.

I like Wanda, She's been to my house a number of times. She came when I was doing really poorly in 2008 and made a real difference to me. Helped me leave the house and get food. She really doesn't know me well and yet she acted with extraordinary kindness and generosity, given how far she had to drive to help me. I don't know her really at all. I just like her. She is odd and unusual. She is a really exceptional person.

It is weird to be alone and not alone. Been that way all my life in many different forms. Sometimes I was surrounded by people, and now there are none. Yet it is the same really. Inside I am alone. I suppose that is a stupidly obvious comment, but I just connect to this isolation so much of the time...