Shit hit the fan...

I was thinking of Mona recently because she or her Dad made an indelible impression on me in saying that they wish Mark could have reached out to them and let them know how he was doing. They would have been there for him and I believe they would have done anything.  

So I let family know (for the sake of my daughter and son) that while not imminent, I am unlikely to outlive my parents, even though I do not know how any of them, alone or together, can change the direction I am going.

Truth is... I have been in a horrific state for a long time physically and emotionally. I am not suicidal rather I have been wanting to want to live and wanting to be able to die. As of now unless something changes, I don't know how to not let myself die. I have been wanting to find a way to make that ok with my kids. It's not possible and I am being unfair to them to try.

I told my mother I don't think I will out live her and that if I die, that everyone would say "If she only lived closer, we could have helped" and that would not be true.

I asked my mom to set up an account with Christie on it and then send her the checks. I told her I did not know how I was going to handle all the bills, and I wanted to know if she could help pay off my car. I asked if anyone could put in $50 or $100, even some help is good. She will look into it.

I am not asking for help with my house. No one thinks I should live in Vermont. Besides it is unclear how it could make a difference from their point of view. What would make a difference is finding me someone reliable and reasonably priced to fix my bathroom floor and the tub/sink installations & electrical. Having someone help me figure out how to best fix the stairs would be a real plus. I did talk to the guy who renovated my house in Lexington and asked if he knew anyone in VT. He might stop by. But I warned him that it is bad here.

Sh*t hit the fan... not from my father nor my mother (who listened to me), nor Bob (who was very sweet about making sure that his kids knew I was his sister and to hug me as family).

A little from Rich, who was honest and logical but he does believe that my problem is Vermont and that living with my mother and father is the right thing. And I should give away or euthanize my last remaining dog. He was well meaning and he listened to me and took one request seriously. And the as we left he said that what he could is give me everything in his wallet and he did ... over $300.

He remember vividly remember my response to living near them after separating from Bruce. He felt shunned and was hurt by it and felt unwanted, rejected, and used just for the money he could offer me. I understand how he came to that conclusion. But he did not know about Rai, and he did not understand the effect constant bullying had on me, particularly after Rai molested me. When I moved from Hawaii, I was in love with Bruce and mourning the loss and the last thing I could imagine doing it was exposing myself to my family. I felt unsafe around them and could not imagine living too near them.

I had not considered this before but I don't remember Rich at all after Rai left for school. I think I missed knowing him at all during my high school years because I was angry and shunned the family. I regret that I didn't get to know him then. What a shame and unexpected casualty of what Rai did. What Rai said about wanting to help me then if I had lived near by... I wanted nothing to do with him then or now. I think he regrets what he did to me, because it is a potential threat to him as long as I am alive to tell the story. I did not and will not get involved in his life. Why would I ever want that. I hope his kids thrive. When his kids are grown, I would be delighted to know them. The little I have seen them, I have enjoyed and liked who they are. I am and have been happy to have my children know them. I understand how Rich must have felt and why by my blunt statement. He not have possibly known why I said it.

Rai was something else.  Said I should stop being a victim and ridiculously overly dramatic, that I should think of other people other than myself. That instead of being selfish and all about me, For once, I could do something that helped someone else other than me. I could help out my mother. (As though I have not ever done that or wanted to do that.) He said that would be worthwhile and not selfish like I always am. That I can and ought to learn how to control my emotions. That my inability to remember names was from lack of interest and caring about people. That I could make better choices. That I was the talk of everyone and that I was very selfish to have let that happen.

Kind of ironic.

I did push back when the first thing Rai said was that I was a victim. Immediately I said he victimized me and was causal to where I am now. That set him off... he ranted and said that everyone knew what happened to me. And I answered I don't know who knows what and no one has ever asked or heard my story.

I went on to say that I am writing about it and that I could put it in a book for the world to see. Both he and Rich reacted, with Rich saying so you are going to black mail us now? That surprised me because how is the truth ... which he claims is no big deal ... blackmail. I said no. I told them that I don't any need to keep anything silent any more and I don't care who knows. I don't want to know him or have him in my life.

The rest of Rai's tirade and complete belittling of who I am followed. Rai admits to being a bully. The one fascinating thing Rai said was that I did stand up to him when he tried to bully me today.

Rich implied that my settling debt was irresponsible ... negotiating was unethical. I think banks giving more and more credit with enticing low interest offers was even more irresponsible, and in doing so they took on risk which they have more capability of accurately assessing than I do. So if they had to cut their losses then it also a bad business practice on their part. I think I made a mistake and should have filed for bankruptcy as I would not have financial issues today.

Towards the end of our conversation I told Rich that it wasn't about the money. I don't expect anyone to help with the house or taxes. I had no idea how anyone could help. I think he saw and felt my despair. I think I surprised him by my statement.

I also think I learned how I can aim live or be living until I die. I need to take a stand and I need to speak out.

This would be how:

I want Rich to hear the story of Rai. I want him to read my poetry. I want him to know that 11 year old girl I was and see to the innocence, the violation, and impact as only a father with 2 little girls could. I want him to understand that I could never not be victim until I could stand up to Rai. Even Rai noticed

I want to tell my parents that they need to hear my story. That I do not think fair is about giving money equally. Fair is about righting a wrong and I was wronged by Rai. I don't think it fair to treat Rai the same as me. It is unfair to treat me as though I am less worthy to have around than him. It is unfair to treat my children as less important than his. My daughter needs to know how much you love having her in your life and my son needs to know that you won't abandon him or write him off, even if he exhibits immature or insensitive behavior at times.

I want to tell Bob that I felt more welcomed into the family by his stand to his children that I was his sister and they should hug me as family.

In writing this I ended up in a different place than where I began. How interesting. It's a good thing.