How do I do when I cannot ...

Here is a bit more irony. How do I overeat and not go out to buy food. Clearly I do.

I have a dog, Princess who is 17. She needs to eat and so I feed her. I love her. I don't know how long she has, but as long as she eats with enthusiasm and seems to love life, I will not end hers.

Also, starving makes death more imminent and finding the ability within to overcome what seems undoable becomes easier the more desperate things become.

I am not too hungry yet. But princess will need more food soon.

I have no problem using her needs to manage my own. It's pragmatic.

I love my dog. I have loved all my dogs. Dogs are remarkable product of evolution. They are loyal and love unconditionally. They made unconditional love and kindness a viable survival trait. I sure Princess would do anything for me to the extent she understands, and to the limits of her ability. At times I believe she fakes needing help coming in, just get me out and walking. Seems this way. I know she feels my pain when I cry and I know she wants to please me. She makes me laugh and allows me to love. I wrote a humorous poem, Reflection On Dog, which states this while poking fun at what we know for sure.

I live a mile from the local town store. After 8 p.m. they are closed. Can you imagine the amount of distraction it takes to avoid buying food? (Editing this at 8:38 pm, I notice I succeeded at avoiding again.)

I go outside each day more than once, because my dog need help getting in and out, and because she cries when she help getting up, and because I love her.

I constantly war with my actual inabilities and my seemingly real inabilities. I am worried and wonder how I will survive the winter. I don't have the strength I used to and unless I prepare well enough, I may end up stuck. I can't count on my phone working or me not fucking up and getting it shut off again. I may not successfully manage being warm enough. I have firewood, but I need to bring it inside. I am not sure I can pull of paying for gas timely. I don't know what I can count on about me and with no one wanting to know I find it harder and harder to manage.

I can't always tell real inability until it is too late. If I lose access to the internet, no one will ever know. I have a neighbor who has been unconditionally kind to me. Every Thanksgiving she brings me dinner. Last winter she helped me dig out so I could get gas deliveries. She only contacts me a few times a year. I am hoping she stops by this Thanksgiving because I could ask her to be sure I am ok and to help me shovel when I really need it. I am hoping my desire to be safe outweighs what tends to keep me silent. I am hoping for no big snow storms. That's a lot to hope for given I live in Vermont.

I wonder how I will ever buy new cloths that fit that will keep me warm. I sewed the seams of two pants I have so I would have something I could wear out.