"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever. The goal is to create something that will."
Chuck Polmanek (not sure of spelling of the author's last name)
I think if you are driven by finding meaning for your life, then you agree. I think I tend to lean this way a bit. I also think that it ultimately doesn't matter. I prefer to have made a difference to people. I look at that from the perspective of now, not from the perspective of hindsight which includes assessing the outcome of what you do, often from your own guidelines.
I think what really matters is what you do in the moment when you see an opportunity to be kind, to make a difference in a way that matters to another person. Seizing these opportunities is living.
I also like to create things of beauty which is why I write poetry. My poem Taken By Infinity is reflective of the beauty I find in words and in love. Kindness tries to capture what I feel about being kind.
I am noticing my ability to articulate in writing more and more. I see it as a outcome of finding a place for the pain and for dealing with two opposing drives within me. 1. how not be a cause of harm to my children when I have finally failed to live. 2. the impending ever more imminent inevitability of not being able to stay alive. The lack of enough time.
My children have nothing to do with why I am broken. They make a difference because they love and want me alive. Visiting me this summer was invaluable. Not enough, is irrelevant. I can anything ever being enough. I hope and wish that a few changes that could happen would make a difference, but all the evidence I have says this is untrue. People can impact "now" and I cherish when they do. No one can change how I am.
I have always struggled to live. At 18 I cut my arm to see if I decided to die, could I kill myself. I am 54 now. I thought I would live to see life in my 90's. Today, I can't see how I will last another year or even 5. I am writing for my children. I want them to know me so they understand that they are and have always been a blessing and an opportunity for me to love. I am so happy that they are who they are and that they live because I existed.
My daughter blogs regularly stating "I love my life." and other similar comments. I worried about tainting my children with how I am rather than having the fundamental influence continue to come from who I am. I worry about it now, in every time I ask them for help,
It seems to be a "no-win" — asking verses not asking. I feel like a black hole. I suck in and use up what is offered and yet I am still a black hole.
I do want them to know that I regularly dream — imagine scenarios — where by I do live a long life. I know they are fantasies, that the probability is so unlikely, given how I am. My track record is not promising. I want my children to know — I still hope. That they exist and are always a part of me is a good thing, and I cherish having them.
I love them so very much.
The other quote in this show was,
"The past is our definition. We may strive with good reason to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape only by adding something better to it."
Wendel Barry (or Berry)
I am hoping my poetry and this blog are "adding better." I hope I never stop believing this is true.
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