Dying is not the same as killing yourself. I know I am dying. When I die it will be because I failed to live not because I killed myself.
There is so much pain and it is so torturous. It's like standing in flames while skin melts off. I know I survive this by numbing myself. The lucidity makes it seem like I could change. Yet I don't. How could anyone live like I do and not change if they could?
Everyone understands the humaneness of giving morphine to someone in intense physical pain. But when it is mental illness no one seems to accept that shutting down, avoiding, and other self-harming, numbing activities or inactivities are just a way of coping with the pain.
It's not that I believe depression is mental illness, because you are lucid. Hopelessness is not a survivable condition. It would be insane to stand in the flames immobile, feeling your flesh melt and do absolutely nothing.
What people get wrong is thinking that societal dysfunctional behavior is not coping. It is a way of managing the pain.
Thing is you are lucid and clear that you are dying, but your can't seem to change because you can't tolerate the pain.
If you can try to imagine the pain of slowly starving yourself to death, and that is unimaginable to me, then you can get a glimpse into the abyss of mental pain, because starving feels better, it lessens the pain.
I would love to be different. I expect anyone would.
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