Older

I never minded growing older. I figured yesterday was over,  thankfully. I never wanted to be younger again. The way most people talk about depression, it is something that happens at a point in time, so there is a before that is better.

I don't have a before to return to, a better place, even though before was not as bad as now. It's just that good times were never good, even when I believed they were. Or they have been forever tainted by the truth so it hard to look back fondly over what did not end well.  At my best, I thought I was fraud and everyone could see or would see. The effort of keeping up the facade was exhausting. Like pushing a boulder up a hill, eventually I will tire and slip down and be crushed. I used to believe there was a bottom and that I climbed in and out of this hole, but there is no bottom. Living is pushing the boulder. Death is the abyss, peace possibly. I know numb. I don't know what peace is.

I wrote "Blue-Green Reflection" as an insight into inside me.

I think I imagine living rather than live. "Growing Older" is about growing older which seems to be something I wanted in the past. I don't look forward much at all anymore. Maybe brief moments. In glimpses.