TV

I watch a lot of TV. In there I find moments that speak my story, my soul, my pitiful existence. There is something horrible about living through moments other people make up. I suppose it began when I started reading fairytales. Dreaming of princes and knights in shining amour and happily ever after. It was all a lie. I used to believe I would turn into my parents when I grew up. I thought I would like their music. I thought you grew into people. I have never known who I was. Still, I do not know who I am. I have no friends.

The poem I wrote "Framed" says this in a prettier way.

How can anyone have a relationship with someone who is not anything at all.

I played "Cousin It" by combing my hair in front of my face in my high school senior play, in 1973. People were disappointed. They thought I was hiding. But I was really shouting "I was never here" and I was saying, "See me for who I am, as I do." (You see, I was nice to everyone. People liked me. No one saw who I was. Those who knew I was in pain, avoided knowing it too well.)

Tonight I am recording "Music and Lyrics" I watched it before and in there is a truth I saw but couldn't bear to see. I have forgotten. I hesitate to remember.

I do not exist, I subsist.