The second thing I learned...

I have a gift for for empathizing and basically getting people for who they are. I love easily. I don't get social interaction and superficial shit. I don't know to engage in a relationship well. If I don't pay attention, ie I relax, I can miss obvious clues and interrupt people. I get who people are, not how to read social interaction. And while I can tell someone is uncomfortable, I can't always tell why. 

That is not what I learned. I know why I am hard to have around. I am intense and I can get involved in my thought and go on in conversation, not realizing I share too much. Or I can have too much pain inside so it is hard not to show it and just hang out. It isn't always about pain. The way I connect to my experiences or get involved in someone else is deep and unchecked, because people tend to be polite and indirect, I go on too much. Managing at a superficial level is hard work and I also suck at it. 

I saw this in its best form. I got deeply involved in conversation via FaceBook with Tim, who I have never met and it was real and personal. I cared about him and I listened to him and I enjoyed him and appreciated who he is. Seeing this I realized that is not something to change or wish was different. I don't feel wrong about how I am with people anymore. 

Getting how I get lost or involved in train of thought, topic of conversation, and explore tangents ... that is all about genuine interest and curiosity. 

Like this journal, I repeat and revisit experiences, thoughts, etc. I have a depth of focus, I turn on myself a lot. 

I perceive a lot whether I want to or not. Massive input. A multi-focus. When I focus on others, myself, or what I am doing, I get involved in the complexity and depth. When I use in massage, it is the same love and care and seeing (knowing). A non verbal perception (sight being perception, not using my eyes).  People feel better. Massage is about interacting my energy with theirs. I feel healthier afterwards.

The perception is emotional input, an abstract, non-visual, sight. I miss the elephant in the room visually if I don't focus on it. Maybe that's why I don't read nonverbal social cues.

I find connection and or pleasure in involvement. There is a fair amount of narcissism is self focus. I like what I am doing and writing and it is not unlikely that is is boring to most. The repetitive amount of content would wear out many, but for me it is like polishing a crystal or cleaning a window, clarifying. If you are a perfectionist you can spend a lot of time cleaning every smudge, if you are not, it will drive you nuts.

The narcissism is accurate because I am interested myself. But I also get drawn into myself because of how I connect emotionally, even when I don't intend or want to turn the focus into me. And I am so easily distracted by tangents. And if you are too polite...

I have a lot humor and light heartedness about myself ... about this.

Maybe I am just light hearted because I laughed a lot with Christie, and enjoyed her sharing about being in love. Enjoying her happy will never be boring. Nor will enjoying my son.

I have to laugh at myself cause I know that I repeat things, infinitely, enjoying the variations and nuances in the differences that I see. Like the way I hone my poetry. I never get bored working on poem, or reading it out loud. Like listening to a song I like over and over and over ... (amused that I drove my kids nuts cause I couldn't ever remember the lyrics of a song. I would always mess them up.) or watching Craig Ferguson tell the same joke, like his Paul McCartney photo ... I laugh every time because he is funny.