the saying goes ... watch out what you ask for ...

Well, I asked for help. It seems that the universe delights in tempting me.

So many forces are pulling at me. My childhood friend, Mona, answered by FaceBook request. Phil called me on the phone and I told him about this blog. My daughter and her boyfriend and I had a really wonderful interaction. My aunt passed away, which means the choice to attend a large family event is days away. I have no nice clothes, shoes for that. There is a rally for sanity scheduled on October 30, 2010. The stupid congress couldn't even repeal the blatantly unconstitutional policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" of our armed forces, even though a significant majority agree to the repeal across party lines. The mice in house are getting bolder and noisier. Winter is approaching and I don't see how I will get the wood into my house or keep warm. Every day another day slips away. Rory, my son's childhood friend, exchanged some humorous banter about his birthday. A stranger from Turkey friended me because of my post on the survivor blogs The trash in house is piling up and the deadline for overdue bills is days away. Keeping my home is up for grabs because of a back tax bill that I should not owe.

Seems like randomness, but I am moving towards the clarity of possibly looking forward to living and the clarity of having no idea of how I can possibly succeed at not dying. How do I turn the tide on what I have let happen to my body and to my home? Not deciding is deciding. Am I going to protect my children from the possible truth that I let myself die and did nothing. I am going to do nothing or am I going to do something and then something else, until, if I die, it was not because I did nothing. If I fail will it be because I just failed to succeed, because I did my best and I just didn't make it?

Help is not completely in my hands, and there is risk. I am on the edge and interacting will likely open the flood gates.

Will I go to the wake? How can I not go after all she was to me? What will I do or say, especially when people ask? What will I bring my uncle Bernie that ?

Coincidence. luck, karmic irony... this is the next  entry from my obituary journal ...

05-08-08 4:09 pm

I am all over the map. I tore off my HEALTH sign on my wall. It was a lie. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I am spent.

My parents want me to come to a party a week from Saturday. Why? Do they really want to see me broken? I will go I expect. Foolishly, I will hope, I will believe I can protect myself, and I will fail. Honestly, I will believe I am safe. It will make sense that I am safe. So, if I go, I will believe, so I will go. 

I never went to that party. I did what I always do... keep thinking I will, until it it too late and I don't.

This was a one of many points of no return... Moments when I know there is no stopping where I am heading, and though it takes a long time to unfold, the inevitability about it is set.

I put the HEALTH sign up when I chose health the last time I lost the weight I have gained back. Then was when I realized that being obese meant I was not choosing health. Then, I asked myself if I wanted health. Then I did and it reflected in my actions. Tearing it down was acknowledging that I no longer cared. I didn't start gaining any serious weight (more than 20-30 pounds) until this February... you can't want health and let yourself die.

I look at remembering this is making being blind not an option.

I have been thinking about taking all the pictures off my wall and making them into something for Christie and Kian. Now I know what it will mean if I do. (Unless I am relocating to a place I want to be and happy about it.)