APril 22, 2008

In reviewing the obituary journal I wrote, I see myself in the same place I am today. At least in how I was thinking.

04-22-08 12:33 pm

How can anyone be blamed for being blind and oblivious? I’ve talked to my mother, the conversation was normal, she seems oblivious to my pain. She does not understand what seems so blatantly obvious to me that it screams. Deafening.

If the harm I have felt was evil I could fight it, but it come from good people.

I suck away the life from my family who help me and I would suck it away if I died. I have never felt so hopeless.

It's ironic that I feel like a victim when no one notices me. Yet, I don't reach out to anyone and strangers do not have any obligation to be concerned about a neighbor they do not know. It is not like the houses are close. And I have lived here for 16 years and have not integrated myself into the community. The reset of what I wrote was kind of whiny. Sometimes I sound like a small child lost.


Cheryl is someone I liked. I thought we were friends. Bur it turned out not to be a friendship she wanted. I I felt like a victim that she didn't choose my friendship. Like she owed me. It's not a very admirable thing to see exposed.

04-22-08 12:33 pm (continued)

On Ellen today she interviewed this guy who claims that acts of kindness heal depression. Everything I have most enjoyed about life is kindness. Small things like letting someone with a few items ahead of me when I have a cartful. I like being nice to sales clerks, even if they aren’t being nice back, because you never know why. Whenever I think about the rest of my life, I think about doing kind things. I feel connected and a part of people when I am kind; whether or not they are aware of it is irrelevant. 

Kindness doesn’t cure depression though it does give a momentary reprieve. I do it because I like me better, because it seems like the only worthwhile way to be.

This guy on Ellen is advocating forgiveness, compassion, love in your heart. I agree. But that doesn’t stop the pain. It doesn’t enable me to desensitize to people.

Ellen has this challenge for people for a month to keep a notebook and keep track of ways to give specific acts of kindness without expecting anything back. About just helping someone. 

What an obvious idea to me. But Ellen is correct in thinking it is completely foreign to people. No one wants to help if they cannot see the value of it. Why help me shovel out of my driveway, if it is going to snow again, if I have nothing to offer you that is of value in your eyes. This entire town left me snowed in for more than six weeks and I cannot fathom why.

Cheryl at the post office won’t stop by and have a conversation with me or help me clean up maybe because it’s not visible to her. How would it make a difference in the long run. Even when I tell her it does help, it doesn’t matter to her -- perhaps because it is not enough to change things for me, and if she can’t make an impact, she doesn’t want to be involved. That’s my best explanation. Truth is probably worse. Nothing she needs from me, why offer? Perhaps, simply a change of heart. I am not a friend she wants in her life. She has plenty. Why add me? Most likely, I am simply unimportant in her life.

People think the future has to change for what you do today to matter. but the fact is we only live in the moment.