Wow... I had a delightful conversation with Christie and Tim, her boyfriend, on face book texting. Besides the fun conversation and laughter with my daughter, very personal things were discussed between myself and Tim (who I just met).
I learned new things that surprise and come out of all this writing and poetry.
I never understood why I lose control, like when I said "rape" instead of "molested" to Rich about Rai. I wrote why but I was missing the point. I said "rape" because I was became so connected to the my experience when Rich inaccurately used the word "rapist" about Clinton with Lewinsky our conversation. I was upset that he didn't know what that meant and it was belittling real rape. I was upset, because I felt my experience being equated to a mutual indiscretion between consulting adults. And I felt that because I was connected. RIch kept pushing and wouldn't let up. The feeling was like he was telling me and so I took a stand and said "No they are not the same. I know. Rai raped me when I was eleven." Because I didn't have a notion of what was upsetting me and driving, I didn't understand why I used the wrong word. I was pushed by his misuse of the word "rape" and I said that word because that fit how I felt not what happened. I was violated and forced and I was unable to physically stop him. He was bully. What he was doing to me as innocent catholic eleven year old was unspeakable. The incestuous element of it still is. He violated my love for him as my big brother, by pretending to like who I was for the first tine ever, to be interested in who I was, and to be my friend, in order to persuade to allow him to touch me. And when I said "no", he did anyway, because he could, because he was stronger and I couldn't stop him.
I was shocked hearing myself "rape" about Rai to Rich. I knew what I said was inaccurate as soon as I heard myself speak. Then I didn't know why I made the error. Hell, I didn't know why I blurted it out.
Why? Because I automatically connect to the emotion and experience of things that I have felt deeply. It's like I am reliving them. That's how I am. I don't watch horror, because I feel it as it were happening and real. I connect to it as if real. That's not an option. It's how I am.
And because I don't ever say anything, when I finally can't help but take a stand and I do speak out, and what I do say comes out loud and uncensored. When my family bullies me either I cannot speak and shut down, or I take a stand and I blurt out uncensored.
I have felt guilty about what I said to Rich, but I don't anymore. And because my brother Rai was a jerk about it, I no longer have any remorse, in that I don't think I wronged Rai in any way. I did think so then, but now that his children are young adults, I have no problem speaking the truth if it comes up.
My father bullies me when I don't agree with him, or even when he doesn't agree with me and I am talking to someone else. I have no tolerance for it anymore. It doesn't take much to push me to taking a stand and speaking out. And who knows what he will could touch upon, that I am holding back, so I could say anything. And my language is not polite when I am pushed to take a stand. I don't know who will be around and I will not allow myself to lose control around children. I love my parents. I don't need to tell them anything. They can live their lives happily without if they prefer peace. I would like to share their lives with me. I would like to know them. But I do not have to. I do love them enough to leave them alone. I am willing to keep out of their lives as much as it saddens. I cannot be around my father and not react to being bullied.
My mother is not a bully. I like spending time with my mother. I miss her and I miss out on that. But she is a package deal. She comes with my father. I do respect that. It saddens me.
No comments:
Post a Comment