stupdily blind

People say things like, "Why does she stay with a guy the beats her." or "with a husband that is cheating on her." It's sadly amusing but we are all stupidly blind at times. Some times people are actually a little bit stupid, most often they are just act that way.

I find it sadly amusing that a find a revelation in something that was shoved my face years ago by a my David, with whom I had deeply personal and intellectual conversations. I thought he really liked me and I found it odd that though the time we shared together, exchanging massage and discussing ideas, seemed like a spiritual. But then, if called him he would be abrupt and annoyed. I couldn't reconcile the difference so I asked him over the phone once, "Do you like spending time with me or is it just about getting a massage?" His answer floored me. He said "What have you to offer me." I was floored and I wrote poetry to work it out. I didn't speak to him again until we bumped into each other at go event in Cambridge.

I had a marriage where I thought it was "love at first sight" and that it would last forever. And I wrote about being misled in a poem Chameleon.

Stupidly blind. Missing the obvious. It is as though I don't hear the words I say, or that what I learn is not really absorbed. Irony is everywhere.

05-07-08 3:47 pm

Taut. I have written a number of versions of this over the years with different titles. The essence remains unchanged. I learned something this morning: I want to want to die. I don’t want to want to live. Yet I do. I had an undeniable taste of the brilliant burning hope that someone cared and wanted to help.

Last night I had a revelation about people. They make choices not based on kindness or character but rather on “what’s in it for me.”

I don’t get that. I do kind things because I can and I see the opportunity. Why not? Or more accurately, how can I not?