to my mother

Ma this is to you. I know you won't see this or know how much I really love you. I know you don't understand and I am so sorry. I am in too much pain and so lost. This is what I really want to tell you but I know I likely never will.

My poem, Mommy's Hand, tells how interconnected I am to you and about the love I feel.

I don't know if you remember when I rode back from Maine with you. I was so upset that Dad was interfering with my time with my Christie. I knew he was breaking me but I did 't understand it well enough. I knew it mattered to me and I knew it didn't any sense to anyone why it should make a difference that my daughter come back to my house for a day and help and spend that time with me (driving, talking, being with each other). I know she didn't come cause she didn't know it was real and because she was torn by her boyfriend and my father not wanting her to come home with me. I don't see how she could have made a different choice.

You said you couldn't  handle the anxiety I was causing you, and while I don't know why you were too stressed, I do know what being too stressed is like, and I so am sorry. I forgive you for not taking my side when it mattered.

I want you to know that I like who you are and I respect and admire how you have lived and continue to live your life. As a child, I was angry after you didn't protect me from Rai (when I was eleven). You only didn't because you didn't know. I forgave you long ago and have never been angry with you since.

We both stay silent. You have just succeed in living well that way. I have not.

I wanted to be back in your life. I am sorry I failed to manage myself so I could. I have always loved and always will. I like spending time with you and I miss it.

I am afraid of my anger that is mixed in with the hurt. I am not willing to allow myself to blurt things which would strike out in defense. Words that could never be unsaid. I have already said too much more than once.

I do love you and I want you to enjoy the rest of your life without the pain involved in having me around.

I can't block anymore. I can't be around anyone anymore.

I love you and I am sorry.