random thoughts today

I thought it would be easy to write here but it is not.  I wish it were.

I live in my imagination and I wish all the time. I wish I was not how I am. I wish I could change the past. I wish I were dead. I wish I could just live reasonably normally. I wish the pain would stop. I wish it would not hurt so much to breathe. I wish I could die. I am coward and a liar, because I have no intention of dying (at least I won't kill myself), but what I do is so far from living. It hurts to go here.

It hurts people to know me, so I don't let anyone know me anymore. I mean I stopped pretending to have relationships that really don't exist, except in my head. It is easy to not answer the phone. Fact is, no one tries any more.

People feel pain when they are helpless. I know people who care about me in the abstract. They want me to be living well and they can't bear to know the truth. I don't want to cause pain and they don't want to know me. So I oblige them. It is a kindness to do that I think.

It hurts me that I cannot relate correctly to people. I've been this way all my life. I have never had real friends because I lack the ability that people have to do that well.