Seems likely that every attempt I make to change my life will fail based on historic evidence. I can't guarantee that well aways be true, but it is highly likely as I have no evidence that my approach is not just an fantasy pretense of change that won't be real.
It comes down to failure vs success and how you scale it and frame it.
I am trying to figure out how to take steps forward, knowing the likelihood of failure, with experiencing intense pain that won't subside unless I back off.
I don't understand the pain. I can avoid it by distraction, or stopping everything. But the consequence is horrific, embarrassing, humiliating.
I keeping thinking that I can do things to better my life regardless of my success towards that goal and that I could more easily bare the pain, and perhaps I can live that way. It's idea I have, It is only idea.
Can I tolerate living if I stop avoiding? I don't know,
I am not answering my phone.
I will aim for that after I pay my mortgage which is 90 days overdue cause I haven't managed mailing money or going to the bank. I have my car, electric, and phone payments to make as well.
I have no food. 24 hours since I ate. I am aiming to go buy food at supermarkets which are where I can pay my mortgage and get better, cheaper food than from the local store 1 mile from my house. I have been thinking of doing this for 3 months and have not yet succeeded.
The anxiety I feel is intense and it hurts. It's illogical and real and in my head. I feel hopeless.
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