still here

I am still here in the cold ... waiting for whatever ... food is low, even for princess ... I need to try to get her food ... at least do my best ... yet I have not yet.

I don't know what to think or if to think or just what ... I am tired and cold and hiding here alone.

Criminal Minds: Karl Kraus:

"A weak man has doubts before a decision; a strong man has them afterwards."

I think it is weak to not decide, to have doubts is not weak ... it is stupid not to weigh a decision ... I think I am weak of spirit, of will, of consideration of my family, of pretty much everything ... I think I should be dead ... I am so disgusting in how I hide ... I do want to be dead. I wish I could just die of something ... I want to quit living .. I just don't want to exist ... I want my mind to stop ... I want to disappear ... I want to not want to not exist to be gone .... I want to be over. I want to not feel. I want to not want anything.

Criminal Minds: Emily Dickerson poem:

One need not be a chamber to be haunted, 

One need not be a house; 

The brain has corridors surpassing 

Material Place.

I feel like bashing in my head in between figuring out how to possibly get out of my driveway by Friday. I keep imagining going outside and then not ... and in between I want to hit my head hard to stop the pressure and hurting. I am worn out.