being kind

All that ranting in my last post and it led to my posting this on the Survivor blog:

All this hating towards NaOnka has put her permanently in the hall of fame of villains and ironically, you know what it probably means... she will be back! Hate is powerful thing and counterintuitively, it gives life. Unlike some of you, I hope her life is better for this experience. I wish her well.

All though out the internet where I have posted, I have been kind. I have shown humor and kindness and an unyielding stand for kindness.

It would surprise people who don't know me that I am so unhappy, that I hardly live anymore, that I have struggled all my life to be something I never will be—content and happy as I am.

People who know me don't want to. Being in my life is just too hard. And that makes it worse. In the end, everyone is right to walk away. Kindness isn't enough, not when the love given to me disappears in the void which is me, like a black hole, there's no trace. if people love, hoping to make a difference, loving me is a waste of time — not because it doesn't matter, because it always does, but because no one evaluates the gift as it is received in the moment, instead  they look backwards and see no trace. I suck love like a black hole.

I understand all this and yet I cannot understand why I am not worth 5 or 10 or 20 minutes of my children's time weekly. Why is that so hard to give, when it matters to me, even if they cannot see it when they look back, or understand the depth that it matters each time they touch me, no matter how briefly or infrequently. We only have the moments we live and they matter, if not, nothing ever matters. Why live?

It shouldn't get to me

Karen's comment about being annoyed by my posting on survivor still gets to me. I know it shouldn't but it does. I should be able to shake it off, but I can't. Kind of the story of my life. I can't even seem to shake off the things that reach inside. I try. But things always come back to haunt me. I suppose because I agree that I don't have a life, that I am pretending hoping to forget and find some enjoyment in the moments. And it works for moments. I do have enjoyment, but then things come back to haunt me.

I still come back to the sadness, to not wanting to live, to imagining how I could make that happen, to not caring, to wishing all this pain and torment was over, to thinking about how I cannot not survive this winter, to how I will get out of the house to buy food, to how I don't really have to yet, to feeling a little more quiet, to remembering how guilty I feel that it would be easier if princess died, to imagine killing her and putting her outside to decay, to wishing I were her, to feeding her, to covering her so she is warm, to petting her, to hugging her, to resting quietly, to thinking again about how at least in this moment I feel no pain, to imagining moving the couch so princess can't fall off the bed, to not wanting to clean up the shit that is in the way, to imaging fixing the thermostat so I will have a heater, to knowing I won't because I could turn on the one in the kitchen, to thinking I could bring in the wood and have that, to knowing I have time to do that, to knowing I won't, to thinking, at least it is over 50 degrees in here today, to thinking I feel warm, to realizing I am slowly slipping away and I know I am only getting worse, to wondering why my kids are letting me die this way, to knowing they don''t know cause how could anyone ever know, to wanting to find a way out, to knowing there is none, to tuning into the TV which I am half listening to, to knowing when even Craig Ferguson can't distract me with humor it is not a good day, to hoping this fucked up rant of randomness priovides some insight to someone who probably will give a shit for a brief moment, to knowing it is not real and never will be, to wishing I was not a coward and that I could let go.

All the while I am in bed and lying still, typing, knowing that it just is not a good day. I want to blame that person for breaking the illusion of involvement I was having with Survivor. It doesn't help that I did good things like trying to turn the tone from hate and racism that is throughout the posts, that I took a stand, that others did too, that it mostly just a few people being nasty. It doesn't matter the good I do, even though in the moment I feel good because it comes back and I am still feeling the hate as though it is striking me and searing into my core. I don't watch horror films because I feel them as though they were real and I cannot erase them. I can't erase it, I can't outweigh it, I can't ever shake it. Why can't things ever fade and dissipate. Why not? Why am I how I am? I t is not ok, It hurts again  and I just want it to stop.

Kian will never talk to me and Christie would rather not. Why would anyone want to bring this into their life. I would taint their lives and suck them dry and I wouldn't mean to but I would and I would hate to do that.

I wonder how I will not give up when Princess dies, cause no matter how I think of it, I come back to her without me, and she either starves cause no one knows or let someone know before but so they can't do anything about it and then they kill Princess anyway, cause unlike people, dogs that are unable to walk are killed to "put them out of their misery." Why can't someone do that for me.

And again the pain subsides. I need distraction and have none that's working well today, This post is that. Sometimes I wonder how it comes to happen that people kill themselves. I wonder ironically if this blog might tell the story. I mean until I am able to, I am not able. How ironic that it works that way about everything I do?

Until I am able, I am not able. That will be why.

No one calls. I did that. No one knows I am doing so poorly. It;s ironic that I said just that to so many people and no one hears me. Now I write it for the world to see, but my voice is lost among the millions. My voice is silent, echoing in infinity.

There were many moments I loved and they added to the good pile. Every interaction with my children adds to the good pile, even the smallest exchange. I used to love to dance; dancing added to the good pile. There were moments I was loved, and moments I loved.and not just from afar. I have interacted. I have touched people. I think about the guy who friended me from Malaysia. I touched him. I have added to good piles.

Is it strength or weakness that I still endure? Does it matter how or that I do?

I am not crazy. But there is craziness in me. Craziness is in everyone. But it is like paint on a canvas. Sometimes it is just paint, other times it is a work of art.

What does it look to walk to the end and jump off? Does it look like this? What does it look like to reach the bottom of an infinite abyss? How will you ever know until you jump, until you let go and fall freely?

I have written about strings to pieces ... about forsaking free ... Cutting  strings, falling freely, it seems like it will be good for me, but not those I have set free, maybe not.

How is it my dog keeps living life as though how it is now just is. She loves life today as she loved it when she was able to run freely. Dogs only know now and love and they live. She isn't dying yet. And so she lives.

I suppose until I am dead, I am not. I live but not the way Princess lives.

Secrets

From Criminal Minds:

"There are no secrets better kept, than the secrets that everybody guesses." George Bernard Shaw

This blog is my secret, told into cyberspace, to a universe without ears. I say a lot and leave a lot unsaid. I cry for help, for peace, to belong, to be heard, to have made a difference.

I am so cold. My fingers and feet are ice. I feel the cold reaching into the center of my soul, my heart is weary. I seem to do less and less and that is hard to imagine, given how little I do. I have lost interest in shows and find it hard to watch them fully. I miss parts and don't mind missing them. It hasn't even snowed yet and I am inside 24/7. Soon enough I will need to buy food, but I will need to get cleaned up first. The cold is in my face, and in my chest. It's 46 degrees in here and I know I could do things to make a bit warmer ... but I can't seem to care enough. I am tired.

I think about doing things .. I live them in my mind as though they were happening, but I have done nothing.

I imagine conversations or letters written .. to David Fotland, to Robert and Rosalind Fritz, to Ellen...

"If we knew each others secrets, what comforts we should find." John C Collins

alone...so I post on survivor

One of my survivor buds posted this:

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”

I like the irony in that I post on survivor... cause every day is a struggle.

Tonight I had a great time posting about the week on Rob's Immunity Blog. Here some of my comments that I really liked.

To Rob's comment about Marty playing a really good game:

Really Rob ... Marty a strong player? You sound like him in his Ponderosa speeches, saying how his game was perfect! Get real! This guy thinks winning survivor is about knocking off anyone who doesn't follow him like a puppy dog or threatens his alpha male dominance in leadership. (like the women who beat Russell, Sash and Brenda knew how to play him) He never had a chance. He had two players on his side at the merge and 2 dead set against him from his tribe ... how dumb is that? And he couldn't stand not running things out in the open. How dumb is it to think Brenda and Sash would agree when you target their alliance? He is clueless about how other people are playing, and he assumes anyone not with him is stupid! I know you backed him in the beginning but he was a sinking ship for a long time ... he didn't have a shot with his strategy... Really now, I mean he calls Dan a strong player ... Give me a break! Take off your rose colored glasses please!

To Rob's comment about Brenda and Sash:

Swingers Rob? Maybe if you think of Brenda and Sash as the fulcrum in the game ... they listen to people and don't push their choice on anyone, so no one sees how they are controlling the game. Even now it seems that they bent to the majority as opposed to decided what was best for them and kept the power of other players weak and balanced .. It is a genius strategy. And you must appreciate that who ever looks more dominant isn't -- even Sash doesn't get that, though he knows he vulnerable. It's not unlikely that he doesn't make it to the final three (50/50) and that purple Kelly who professes having no strategy does .... Yes while it is true you must get to the final tribal to win, you don't win if you don't get the votes ... Brenda is brilliant not to pick who she ends up with ... that's the biggest mistake people make. Brenda connects with everyone and has made key moves to win their allegiance (saving Jane and telling her, helping NaOnka find the idol, sharing with Chase about Nay's idol, partnering closely with Sash) Swing votes (which was Marty's view) are people who are isolated, not connected to either side, and have no allegiance. Brenda and Sash have a foot in all the power connections as a participant, they are not on the outside of anything. 

To Rob about Chase making a really bad move:

Did Chase really make a bad move? I say no. As one of the strongest guys, he does not need a target on his back, and while Brenda may be annoyed at the moment, he isn't on her radar unless he rises up against her (hence her careful eye on the threesome he is a part of), Not being part of the men is the best move he made so far. Yes he is paranoid and that is a weakness, but not being out to get Jane and NaOnka was brilliant. Yeah he is a bit hungry, but Marty's full stomach didn't do him any good. 

To Rob about NaOnka:

Rob --- Nay in the final three ... that is entertainment! Hadn't considered that from my point of view as a viewer... it is a great idea! That would be a very funny night ... love the idea cause Jeff may think he has seen everything now ... but he hasn't. 

To Rob re rest:

Well Rob, 2 out of 5 -- not so good! But I do also agree about jane. She's a loner (a swing vote) and she hasn't thought about alliances to get her to the end. She is running out of steam and yes she is strong, but many of the youth are stronger ... By the way, I notice Dan is off your radar... he is surely hanging in the wind .... and those "dumb" boys don't have coattails. Kind of fun that he suffers and loses since he has a mean streak.

I love thinking about the players so I also wrote:

@Benry and Fabio fans -- it's dumb and dumber - a coin toss for who is who. Who thinks you win by playing "dumb" or thinking Marty is super smart and knows this game? You both saw how Sash played him ... didn't you realize that he still holds and idol, so to flush NaOnka's idol is bad for him? ... Of course not, they treat Sash and Brenda as though they are isolated and on their own and yet everyone tells them everything! How could they believe that a move that puts them and Marty in a stronger position to get to the end would be a good move for Sash & Brenda? When you are dumb and think you are so smart, you never realize that those who are also smart (actually smarter) have out thought you. Yes your logic makes sense in your universe ... but really who else lives there?

I read the comments first and they full of hate and nastiness against NaOnka. But I was holding off and decided instead to comment this was to a guy who wanted to see a match between NaOnka & Russell:

‎@Jack awe... thing is they could easily be an alliance. Russell only targets people who are against Russell or are getting too popular... the latter of which she would not qualify for. Besides he like using women and feels he dominates them. Russell would have targeted Kelly B as well .. but first he would have used her and lied to her. NaOnka on the other hand would see right through Russell, the same way she saw through Marty and gets Fabio's game. The only interesting question is how would she play it? ... interesting? Unclear. But given neither is attractive to champion, I could do without the match and never even wonder ... 

Then Tony commented politely about how NaOnka keeps the racism going but that he saw why they kept her in the game ... and I couldn't resist and wrote:

@Tony racists and those who think is reasonable behavior to comment with racial slurs just because they don't like NaOnka's mouth or behavior, keep the racism going. Also those who see her as black/nasty or nasty/black, contribute as well. Associating the color of her skin with her behavior and language which you find offensive is ignorant. 

Looking back at some using it who were dissing NaOnka I realized that it is just sloppy ... not intentional and without understanding the implication of tying her color to her behavior eg "ghetto trash". And I added in a following comment, because the common implication is that NaOnka is there cause she is easy to win against ... while true, there is a more pressing reason:

@Tony actually, the reason NaOnka is still there is that she is easy to read and a consistent ally. Chase said it quite simply as he cast his vote for Marty ... "I agree with you (Marty) about Nay but she's been my ally since the start." (something like that.) This is a game about winning a million dollars, not about keeping the nicest or most worthy people and handing them the money. This is survivor! (why keep Dan? At first, because Marty wanted allies he could dominate, now, because he is unimportant at this point in the game.)

I hit "Like" on a lot of comments I agree with, especially when they are written with humor. So having been sucked in a bit by the nastiness (sucked dry I mean) I tried to send a different message with this:

I too am not a NaOnka fan ... but "humanitarian" was priceless. gotta say, I enjoy her directness and willingness to say it as she sees it ... I am old enough to handle the F word. Besides, her stealing the food on a reactive whim and getting caught and then lying about it was too dumb not to enjoy ... and her not wanting it brought up again is funny too. Many of you need to chill ... she isn't going to win, besides you can change the channel if she offends you. Or you can pray for rain.

Someone commented to me about how Rupert stole during his season and was loved for it... and I answered:

‎@Tanea ... worse than that ... they love Russell who took stuff to make everyone uncomfortable, not to mention his attitude about women... "women" are supposed to be sweet and nice... and any deviation is looked down on... the best player ever, Brenda, is trashed because she is "cocky". She earns being cocky ... she is that good ... but when Marty arrogantly looks down on those who don't kiss his feet, people love it ... It's pathetically sexist... but then who cares cause Brenda is doing really well, and NaOnka and Jane are still there (while Marty is not) Oh Yeah ... and Russell did not ever win! Finally, I love Rob's blog, but he can't seem to shake his sexist bias either ... shame ... 

I also answered someone (tongue-in-cheek) who wanted Russell vs NaOnka:

@RIck re "Yeah, Russell against Na. Russell will bury her." I agree that he was much more offensive and nastier... (Isn't that what you meant?)

I was just having some fun with someone who sees things differently than I do. Funny thing is that people who are racist kind of don't like this .. not Rick but Anthony chimed in (along with other NaOnka haters:

It's sad to see the liberal perspective at work as usual not only allowing Naonka's actions, but justifying them as well. You say you love her "directness". but then want everyone to "chill" with their directness when they call her out for being what she is. I feel sorry for of of you sheep. 

It wears on me to hear all the attacks and anger against NaOnka, including wishing her ill, hoping she loses her job, etc... So I wrote this after thinking about it all the while:

People rarely look inward when they get angry and when they don't let they let that anger turn into hate. NaOnka is not evil, hate is. And you can see it clearly on these posts as decent people are wishing horrific things to befall another human -- vs humanitarian ;) .... and while I am on the subject, let's look at what really ticks you off ... NaOnka's trash talk and pushing Kelly B to get the clue ... I dislike the trash talk, but it is way better than the hateful language and wishes on this board ... her trash talk is posturing ... it's not her intention to harm Kelly B because she was handicapped. In fact, she saw Kelly B as a threat and equal competitor, and went after that clue the same way she would have had Fabio or Chase had it. She was more aggressive because Kelly B was not in her alliance. She only physically attacked Kelly B (actually just pushed her away) to get the clue which both she & Kelly B saw. We saw that same thing happen last season and no one cried foul about Amanda being attacked... why? because she wasn't handicapped ... So as much as I don't admire NaOnka's behavior, at least she didn't treat Kelly B as "special" because of her leg, the way you all wish she had and which is far more offensive, because Kelly B is too good an athlete and player to deserve being treated "special."

While I was writing this Anthony was complaining about someone encouraging tolerance. But I chose to answer someone who claimed NaOnka was incredibly different that other players: 

@Jaypee I'd spend hours with NaOnka over 5 minutes with Shannon who thankfully opened his mouth at the first tribal counsel and spared us any more air time with him. NaOnka may be more "in our face" than most, but Marty's attack on Jane was really nasty -- and she had immunity so it wasn't about the vote. Moreover, his distain of women and needing to dominate is harsh to watch. Remember Dan's nasty outburst at tribal -- that was even worse ... NaOnka is pretty funny at times... she would be funny more often if she toned down her language a notch or 2 or maybe 10. Her "trash talk" is extreme ... that and her reactive behavior will keep her from winning the million ... maybe she will learn from this ... Marty hasn't ...so probably not. Thing is, she picked on Fabio and Kelly B equally and without bias, a real compliment to Kelly B.

 I feel it is important to stand up for tolerance and to point out that lots of offensive things happen on the show... like I said I was sucked in/dry and so I commented to Anthony:

‎@anthony there is a difference between attacking using racial slurs and expressing disgust by NaOnka's language and behavior ... she happens to be black ... but if she was another color I would equally dislike her trash talk ... if encouraging kindness, decency, and humor is "liberal" than I am proud of it... I am no sheep .. sheep follow, they don't speak out. NaOnka's not a favorite of mine (understatement)... she is not playing smart (dumb to take the clue so blatantly and offensively, and dumber to steal the food and get caught and lie, even dumber to make the jury hate you.)

I agreed with Anthony actually but not with the nastiness to her ... directness is calling her rude, nastiness is calling her "ghetto trash." I suppose where we differed is that I could see humor in NaOnka's behavior, and he just didn't approve. I also answered Agnes who to me represented the decent people who really couldn't understand NaOnka and I said:

‎@agnes I do agree that her "trash talk" is over the top and offensive ... but doesn't come from hate ... it's "in your face" posturing ... and I would be the first to say there is a difference in the words you use. If she happened to have been in an alliance with Kelly B, she'd have told Kelly to take her leg and smack Fabio over the head with it ... Remember her comment was made to the camera ... and it was stupid, not hateful and I agree it was unnecessary.

The offensiveness of "trash talk" is that has meanness as its method. I don't agree with it or like it but it is not about hate and it is a good question as to whether Kelly B was offended, but given this is a game for a million dollars I thought this was worse:

@Agnes yeah ... agree ... that's what makes her trash talk offensive! Hard to know how Kelly feels...I'd be more frustrated that they ALL would have seen to it that I didn't make it to the end because of my leg being an "advantage" -- no one was going to give her a chance.

I also moved on and responded to Deb who felt like I did about Marty and whose comment was really funny. Deb wrote:

High five Agnes! Oh God ... PLEASE don't bring Marty back ... he's part of what made this season annoying! And can I just say ... WHAT THE HELL are they keeping Dan for ... he's a leach and brings NO VALUE what so ever.

and I wrote:

@Deb it was probably a choice between Marty and Dan and Dan's useless, Marty was starting to become a threat -- nipped it at the bud (like why they chose Jane over Marty) -- think of Dan's continuing time there as unnecessary suffering (well-deserved) cause he is not going to win! 

I was having fun with people interested in survivor. And I was posting a lot. And as I was writing to Deb, these two comments were directed at me.

First Anthony responded:

Leslie, you must forgive me for only reading and answering the first five lines of you comment. Your posts are way to long and I doubt if anyone reads them in their entirety. Just goes to show how full of yourself you are when you write that much, and to think that anyone would be that intersted to read what you have to say. 

I can see by you profile pic that you are a couple of generations older then me, so I'm hear to say that my generation will fix all of the problems that your generation left for us. Political correctness? Out the door. White Guilt? Over with. 

The fact of the matter is white people can't say anything negative about Naonka because it with be twisted as racist. 

and then Kathy commented:

@Anthony, I'm on your team and agree with everything you say..@Leslie, sounds like you need to take over Robs Blog and call it Leslies Blog. Not to sound condesending, but your comment on other peoples post is really getting on my nerves! Really, is this what you do with your time? You're on EVERY Fb Survivor page.

The irony of Anthony's comment being as long as mine was so tempting to respond to ... but I didn't. Wanted to but didn't. I let him have the last word.

I thought about Kathy's comment. How it made me feel. It was a personal attack. It was meant to shut me up. That she noticed my comments was a compliment but that she felt I shouldn't be free to make them and that it was a negative thing that I was so involved and having such fun was intense. I thought, probably you would add fat and ugly if I was in the room. And if she knew how much I live through the moments of being connected through the comments, she probably would feel vindicated. Thing is, why is it her business how I chose to spend my time. Funny thing is everyone stopped commenting for a while after her comment. I waited an hour to be sure not to react and then I wrote this:

‎@Kathy ... umm I understand ... sometimes I half read posts.

I thought, why was she reading my comments ... since they obviously "noticed" by her. Why is she trying to interrupt my fun. I wasn't attacking anyone ... I was engaging people whose comments I liked or made me think. And on purpose I continued to comment to people.

First to David who made me laugh:

‎@David "Russell = diplomat" ... that's really funny. Only wish people could separate NaOnka's behavior from the color of her skin. To me Russell was worse ... probably cause I am female ... truth is at some point really bad and worse are hard to distinguish.

And about an hour later I watching very few new comments I wrote this:

Anyone notice Sash's award-winning acting? He spent all day with those guys and none saw through him. Even Marty, after being voted off, was clueless... (Why else is the last vote unrevealed? Duh!) So kudos to Sash ... his social game rocks!

My mind wanders and I know thought about bullying again ... Kathy's comment brought me back to how my family attacks me. I make my stand against Kathy's attack by commenting. Though when you think about it, she compared me to Rob, I didn't (which is saying a lot) and she reads my comments and has never complained, in fact she "Like"d some. Clearly, today I hit a nerve.

Sergio wrote a great comment which I liked and he friended me, the 3rd person to do so because of my comments, which was a real compliment after Kathy.

I realized after some thought, that Anthony seemed to miss my point. He also is really intolerant of those who are not offended by NaOnka as a gameplay strategy, as though that meant her behavior is likable. Sometimes I think people talk sidewards to each other. So after writing the other comments and weighing the situation i wrote this:

@Anthony Sometimes I think people talk sidewards to each other, seeing differences, missing similarities or vice versa. I think you misunderstood me and that I was at fault by how I organized my thought. I apologize for this. I know we don't fully agree with each other, and though neither of us are NaOnka fans, some of her antics amuse me. It's a game after all.

Yes, tonight was a better night because I was involved on the survivor boards. That makes me pathetic, more accurately, it shows how pathetic I am.

Live

From Criminal Minds:

"Live as though you were going to die tomorrow. Learn as though you were going to live forever."

I had a really good time commenting on survivor last night through to this morning. It was a great show and I fans of my comments. It's rewarding to be heard, no matter how pathetic that sounds.

Cyberspace is a viable place for me to reside. And that is pathetic.

I'm struggling with Princess. It's too cold to go out so I let her go inside and clean up after her. I don't manage it well and now that she is on my bed full time, my home is even worse. It's been 50 degrees at the warmest and often in the high 40's. It's almost as cold inside as out, but now that I paid my bills I have less reason than ever to leave.

I lose it periodically. I live on the edge where my anxiety boils over in an instant.

From Criminal Minds:

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever. The goal is to create something that will." Chuck Polmanek

That's a lofty goal. Nothing lasts forever, but to impact people, who in turn pass it on ... that is as close to forever as you can get.

I watch Ellen. Every day she has been talking about bullying. I think about my family and how I was bullied there but no where else. How that impacted how I am and how I cannot overcome it or at least have yet to and see no way to succeed. Winter is coming ... I watch each day slip away. I wrote a poem about that when I first moved to Vermont. At some point i will add it.

My dog has more will to live than I do. She has more will to be alive and she still loves me,

true friend

One of my survivor buddies posted this on faceBook:

A true friend doesn't care when you're broke, being a bitch, what you weigh, 
if your house is a mess, what you drive, about your past, or if your 
family is filled with crazy people. They love you for who you are.........
Repost if you have at least one true friend. They know who they are!!!!

I am somewhat tempted to answer: I would love to, but I can't. It just wouldn't be nice to do that. I leak out truth so that it will be not be heard, even though I have told the truth. The other day someone posted that they were cold. I told the temp inside, (right now it's 46 degrees), and that I was holding off heating till winter. There is no good response to that and they do not know me, But someone out in the world knows.

Thing is, lots of people know, no one can/wants to do anything about it. It's not like I will die tomorrow. I have plenty of food and water. I am only 54. It should take a while for me to die.

I have succeeded at cutting off all ties to the outside. I have no friends. I talk to no one. I am on my own, alone.

I feel some pain when I think about it. I can't seem to care.

ideals

From Criminal Minds:

"No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies." Daisy Bates

You know I only watch the new shows now. I use tivo and skip to the quotes.

"In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present." Francis Bacon

I feel submerged, sinking farther and farther down into the darkness, and the light seems more and more unreachable each day. I am so very cold.

"No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." [unknown]

I don't know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. Possible is a burden. There is no guarantee. And as time goes on, likelihood narrows.

"Within the core of each of us, is the child we once were. This child constitutes the foundation of what we have become, who we are, and what we will be." Dr. R. Joseph

That's the good news and the bad news. It's the foundation that sources the never ending need, and the kindness and loving that I thrive on giving.

 "There is no formula for success, except perhaps a unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." [Arthur Ruebensen ]~unsure of last name

 That's probably the same formula for failure — accepting what is and not challenging it.

"There is no refuge from confession but suicide, and suicide is confession." Daniel Webster 

I understand the dilemma. My daughter leaned on me last week; she shared with me and she asked for my help. She knows that I am always there for her. Suicide is a hard option to take given that is true. Some might say the fact that she and Kian love me would be enough. It's not. It's hard even when the best choice is to live and even when I want to live.

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering." Ben Ocree~unsure of last name

Sometimes I feel I am a fraud. I am amazed by Princess's capacity to not give up on me. I know she's a dog, but still. Everyone cannot be helped. People have to give up on some people. Sometimes, out of kindness and love, I make that easier for them. You can't do that successfully with a dog. A dog never stops loving you until they die.

Anne Sexton

A Criminal Minds quote by Anne Sexton:

"It doesn't matter who my father was. It matters who I remember he was."

I have a lot of conflicting memories of my father. When I was small I remember being afraid when he was angry. I remember him hitting my brothers when they got in trouble. I can't remember one reason why the were in trouble. I remember dinners and conversations at the table. I remember him liking to listen to arguments about stuff; he encouraged that. I remember him drunk at Maine, especially the evening he fell into the ocean at high tide and my mother dragging him back in by his ear. It's one of the funniest I have. I remember arguing with my older brother, I was young. He threatened to hit my over the head with his ear of corn if I said one more thing. I said he couldn't do that, and so got up and did. I remember everyone laughing and being told that I had asked for it. I can't remember if it was before or after Rai molested me, but I know it sits in memory as vividly.

I remember my father making wine with my uncle and thinking my uncle was such a cool guy. Fact is, he was a bastard to my aunt and he neglected his kids. I always thought they were lucky. On the other hand, now they are a tight-knit family, so maybe they were. I know my father valued education and was lucky to have an excellent one. I know they allowed me to choose my schools, even when they thought a different school was better, and even when it was cheaper.

I know he is good man. I am proud of how he chose to make a living. I know he fiercely protective of my mother and they allow a great deal of freedom to have their own quirks. I know he met mother on Valentine's Day. I always thought that was so romantic, something I never saw when they were together.

I know he did his best to keep me safe. And while some of his choices were not helpful to that end, he used his judgment to best of his ability, and always meant well. Still does.

I remember wishing I was adopted when I was a child. Unfortunately, I look too much like my father for that to have been possible. My father did his best raising me. It is not he doing that I am how I am.

"It is a wise father who knows his own child." William Shakespeare

It's not my father's fault that he doesn't know me. His father died when I was a child. He grew up the youngest in a family that valued girls over boys, and his one sister was treated differently. My parents tried to be different and be fair, but they see fair in terms of money. I know my father was deeply wounded by his mother and that he loved her and felt unloved. I know it is ironic that he has been just like his other, favoring boys over girls, and that he never intended that. He did his best and he always meant well. He gave me my dream wedding. I will cherish that. We both hoped that my life would turn out well.

hard coming down

It was really fun supporting Christie in getting the $10,000 scholarship. It wasn't that I played a big role, but rather that I felt connected and a part of it.

Now it is quiet and hard to be alone in the cold, and it is very cold.

Princess is here in bed with me. She hadn't cried to get my attention in a long time. I like that she is happy.

I am waiting for the next survivor blog posting. It's getting hard to find something to stay connected to. I watch TV. I got me replacement controller that works properly.

How will I ever make it through the winter. It's very cold.

Bullying

Portia says she felt invisible.

I understand that. I am obese and I feel invisible. But I am not afraid to be seen. I am not afraid to be heard.

I am not ashamed to use my voice and to be seen. I am not afraid to be in the dirt and to show you dirty.

I am appalled by America when we delight in the superficial. I remember Britney Spears as a child and how people admired her discipline and I thought ... Oh my god, she will break. She cannot sustain that... and when she did, America made fun of her. And I thought ... Where is your empathy and compassion. We took part in creating this... I look at Lindsey Lohan and I see the same thing. Gee whiz! Shame on us. She was a child and we took part.

It's about time that we considered it valuable to look inward, Our president did that today, without compromising his values and TV pundits make fun of it and call it weakness. We have one of the greatest people in the history of the world as our president and we are trying to bring him down.

The story of the crucifixion of Jesus is more than a story of a man. Whether you have faith or not, the story  teaches us. Most all of the Jews rose up against Jesus and condemned him. I do not understand why people join together to do horrific things even to pure good, but we do. There was a time when a majority of Americans were members of the KKK. They were not all racists. They couldn't see. Without an effort toward introspection; without regular effort to have empathy for what we find abhorrent or even distasteful, we can easily be swayed into actions we later regret.

I was a child when we in the Vietnam war, and I was against it, But I shocked and horrified by those who spit at those who fought, either willingly or because they were drafted.

Today we are attacking bullying, while we delight in being bullies. And we take our children down as though they are the evil. Yes, we need to stop bullying, because it is deadly and it changes our children. They break. But children who bully learn it from us. Look at how we treat our celebrities. Even in judging what they wear. We are ruthless bullies and proud of it. There is a fine line between humor and meanness. We do not celebrate being kind and we do not pay attention to our own meanness and intolerance. In fact we celebrate our meanness at 7pm every night on Extra and shows like it.

How many of us would stand up to the scrutiny of having having our private conversations aired for the world to judge. But that's what we did to Mel Gibson and now we shun him and we revel in our hatred of who we think he is. Fact is I don't know him. But I do not see and evil man worthy of hatred by what I have seen of him publicly. Nor do I see evil in those who are mean to him, who ridicule him, and hate him. I see humor of late night TV and on Ellen and I see the ridicule and a fostering of it on Extra. There is a difference.

I am not suggesting that we like bad behavior, or accept it, but where is your empathy and compassion? How can we stop bullying and meanness if we do not foster kindness and compassion.

We are appalled by Iran when they stone women who were raped or committed adultery. But how many of us would not throw stones if that were Mel Gibson instead?

It is not enough to stop bullying by condemning the bullies. We need to notice meanness and not celebrate in it, as much as we need to notice kindness to celebrate it, not just in the world, but within ourselves.

I have fantasies of having myself heard...In making a difference. I don't think I am ever going to survive and live well. I don't see how. Maybe though (I at times hope) someone would help and I wouldn't live in filth and be cold and I would live longer. But the thing is, I will never get how to do something just for me. That's not a possibility. It's not even what I am after. I have come to understand that you never fix broken, but that doesn't mean I couldn't end up living better. I want to live.

I know how "how I am" affects my children. I am torn with how to be kind when all the options are not good. I know I will never live better on my own. And realistically, who would help me? But, I am sure my living a longer life matters to my children. I am doing what I am able to do, I am surviving for now, I am letting myself be seen, I am emailing Ellen. I am doing whatever I can to have more functional moments, To leave this blog, this exposure of all of who I am, minimally as a legacy,

I know it is hard to believe me when I don't go to the doctor to get medication that would make it easier for me to function, Besides the obvious of how hard it is for me to do anything just for myself, it also will never be enough, That's what I tried to explain to my psychologist. I am on the edge, I have been there all my life. Living is pushing the bolder up a hill. Alone I am not strong enough to sustain the pushing. I need a break. And I take it to survive and that is not working well either. It is exhausting and draining to help me, because eventually I will always need more. I am broken and I get that.

I am kind and giving and loving and I have yet to meet the person who can sustain on that. Who loves who I am and thrives on being with me as I am and who allows me to love them. This is not about romance or sex, though I am all for those; they are great things. But I understand how I can be poison to people who would help me because they thrive on the results of helping people, not on the act for its own sake.

I don't need to find that person, much as I will always want it. I could live better and longer, with bits and pieces at different times. I just don't know how to pull it off.

Please forgive me Kian and Christie and know that I love you forever, always have, infinitely, and I always will. Which is why you both are my favorite and always will be. I will never be able to say this enough. I am so sorry for how I am and how it limits the manner in which I am able to love you.

Depression

I woke up to learning that two people liked my comment under the Daily Show post:

‎@Valerie how do you protect the country or build roads or compete with China? Who wants to live in a country where a few are very well off and too many others are unable to live adequately?

I do look forward to seeing who likes my comments all the time. I feel heard. Voice is everything. I aim to be civil, kind, humorous, and sincere.

Still I am losing the war against depression, yet day by day, I do win battles. I speak. I support my daughter. I paid the three bills that have been haunting me. Still I live in bed, alone, dying slowly.

So today, I will take another stab at talking to Ellen through her email. It's a discipline to write within 1500 characters. Today's email is about Depression. Here's what I wrote:

I have hope. Not that you reach out to me—it's hard to explain why.

Depression’s not understood. My family will let me die slowly, cause it’s up to me to do what I should be able to do. If I don't act as they think I could, they’ll let me die alone, cause they think it’s about me helping myself & that I can. They don't get it. It breaks my heart. I think you get pain or through Portia you see somewhat. You can’t see if you don’t look, but you can look & not see. It’s not easy to see.

No one gets why people cut themselves, purge or drink to excess. It's not crazy. It's desperation to survive, sometimes to be heard. Every one knows if you stub your toe, your headache stops briefly. If you don't see the anguish of private times when someone is alone, you don't understand purging or Lindsey's behavior or doing nothing when so little could make a difference that day. I may not do what seems minimal & easy, but I’m here. I’m using my voice. Avoiding is a reprieve, a way to cope with too much pain. Children die cause they lack the experience to know they can get through it. It doesn't get better by surviving—just allows possibilities & moments like laughing, loving & being kind. Others bully or kill. I cry for all. 

I heard Portia. She’s unlikely to fix ever what’s broken—doesn't have to. She’s loved. She has you. That's plenty. Not every moment of my day hurts. I laugh. I have passion. I’m kind. But it’s not enough. I don't drink, or do drugs, I see everything & I still do nothing.

Being loved is different than knowing someone loves you. Maybe I ask for help because I'm desperate to be loved. I am in need of it. I don't know how to make it alone without it. There's connection in being heard, which is why I thrive on each acknowledgment of what I write. Maybe for me it is just about having moments. I can survive. But it is not like being loved.

I am fucking cold today. I am not looking forward to tonight. It's 47 degrees in here. I wonder what will be cold enough to act ... to fix the thermostat (at least know that it will work when I need it) ... to start a fire.

Just posted this comment to PZ's blog

My comment  #255 voted for the humorous political humor of RoyZimmerman at Pharyngula blog (the author, PZ Myers, is single-handedly responsible for Christie being in the lead for the $10,000 scholarship.)

''It may be f**cking cold here in Vermont, and I am disciplining myself to keep the heat off until december (needed to pay my property tax and I'm on disability. Besides its only 48 degrees in here and blankets are warm if you put your head under them... Not possible while I am typing, but I did enjoy the entertaining clips and wanted to support them.) ... I digress ... the point I was started  to make is that at least we in VERMONT KNOW HOW TO VOTE!  ;)

And besides, this is an opportunity for me to bitch about the TV pundits. The say the same things over and over again, louder and louder, as if that will make them true. They assume that a house change of power means that we all of a sudden changed our priorities ... but the fact is (excluding the racial biased vote, and excessively religious to the point of being wiling to compromise other american's freedom and equal right to the pursuit of happiness), people are bit pissed at some of the ridiculous behavior of the majority of our Democratic leaders who took an outlandish majority, as a license to throw in the kitchen sink with needed legislation.

Note: Americans still blame our financial mess, 1st on Wall Street, 2nd on Bush, and 3rd on Obama. And many of these people voted Republican. (And it doesn't automatically indicate they will vote republican next presidential election.)  

Besides, before you all whine too much, consider how disruptive the Tea Party is to the Republican party. And people are pretty pissed off at their stalling tactics. And God bless Christine O Donald, she gave us a democratic senator... (for you atheists, it's their God I am talking about) and she wasn't the only one. And Alaska has a pissed off ex-republican who is likely to win the senate seat. And we all learned that Palin is a clan leader of a family feud ... how funny is that!

Some established Republicans believe we want the Bush era again ... how dumb is that?

And one more thing, the president is a brilliant man (unlike Bush - understatement of the century). If anyone can pull off success in the next two years, it is him. And the economy will get better and people will be happier.

You all should listen to his conversation with Jon Stewart of the Daily Show ... I was inspired. I was more inspired by the rally for Sanity... watch that too... (If you missed it)

Change takes time... I was born in 1956, consider how long it took us to have a Black president. Nothing happens overnight. I remember school busing!

I also remember a war where veterans were spit on by the "left." That repulsed me then and I was against the war. (Ironic that many of the spitters now spit on people who criticize the war.) Maybe even some of you older "lefties" were spitters too?

Gay marriage is out in the open now, the courts support it and it's all over the news and Oprah and Ellen (LOL). No matter how upset the "offended" opponents are, they will not prevail any more than the KKK did. And they are not all bigots. It takes time for some people to realize that their faith is not being violated and their children are not at risk if someone's lifestyle that conflicts with theirs is considered normal and acceptable. There will be a time when a gay man/woman will be president, not in my lifetime probably, but likely in my daughter's (after all we are still waiting to have on a woman president).

And speaking of my daughter, she is Christie Wilcox. You know, that nerdy scientist who is up for a $10,000 scholarship, and for whom you have all rallied around. (Bless you all by the way and thank you.)

princess is sleeping

Princess is sleeping peacefully next to me in bed. She's been still and quiet here for hours.

I do hope it is because she is happy and very comfortable. I don't want to kill her. I want her to die peacefully and to be comfortable and happy and loved until she does. It will be ok with me when she dies because I don't want her to suffer.

I am just so happy she is comfortable. I love petting her and telling her I love her. I can tell she knows. I don't want to disturb by moving. Sooner or later I will have to pee. Oh well. I can wait for now.

maybe not...

My daughter is losing ground fast. If the contest was over tomorrow she could win, but I have a gut feeling she won't. Kind of disheartening.

I am listening to Porcia on Oprah. Even this story about anorexia is one that is only told by someone who has survived it and overcome the destructive lifestyle.

People are fascinated by the hard time and misconceptions she had about reality. I remember Ally Beal and how all of them looked sickeningly thin. And I know that even though it is on TV and people are talking about it, that girls are still wanting to be her.

Oprah talks about her not having an accurate grasp on reality at the time. I think you see and you don't see, but that you are invested so heavily in avoiding the pain and thoughts that think if you eat that you don't. I think she said it accurately when she said I would rather die than lose control again.

I have this dog here. I letting pee on herself a lot. I clean her up but she doesn't want to, I just can't get myself to do anything. But today, I brought her on my bed because she was crying and I didn't want her to cry even though I am too. She's been under the blankets and happy for hours next to me.

She likes the petting. And she sleeps nicely. I think she is going to be my bed a lot more. I do love my dog. But it's killing me that I am not good for her and she can't do anything about it.

Portia's talking about the moment when she realized she had choice. She was nearly dying and she had decide about living and whether there was something worth living for. She was 25. I remember at 18 figuring out why I wanted to live by the sheer panic of being trapped in the hospital, by my own hand. Having been lied to in order to get me there, I found myself stuck. And I felt the desire to be free and I knew it meant I wanted to live. Besides the trauma of the weekend made it impossible for me to think of anything else. So I moved on.

Portia said is "sometimes the way you see yourself if not how the world sees you," But what do you do when it is worse. When no one wants to know. They don't know how to help you so the close their eyes. And I love them so I let them. I know they have seen, and that they don't want to look.

What we have in common is being alone and hiding in plain sight.

Portia says her horse saved her life. My dog keeps me alive. I won't know if my children are, once she dies. It's a horrible thing to admit but I don't think so, because they are better off without me. And it is too painful to survive.

I am thinking. "I don't want to disappear completely so remember me and tell my story." You see it is ok to be dead.

Portia said her mother wanted her to live, it didn't matter if she was gay.

"there's a very fine line between being private and being ashamed." That's what she told her mother.

Oprah said at the end. "I want every one to know you are not crazy anymore." Like if you were that would be a horrible thing to be. No one ever hears the things they say that crush you.

No one wants to know you when you are not ok. And it would be a stigma to be not ok.

At this point, I got inspired to write Ellen and sent this email:

Portia on Oprah. 

When Portia talked about her mother always qualifying her acceptance of her, Oprah said, "I want everyone to know you are not crazy anymore." and emphasized it. I thought, that's exactly what it is like.

Portia is a beautiful person, that hasn't changed, she always was. You shouldn't have to be cured to have people accept you for who you are. Fact is that we make fun of celebrities and are cruel because haven't managed yet (eg Linsey Lohan).

I understood: "there's a very fine line between being private and being ashamed." My family loves me but don’t like who I am. I embarrass them. Easy to hear the words & not see it in front of you.

I don't have anorexia. Don’t have that kind of control. I am obese, depressed, and have an anxiety disorder. I manage life by shutting down. I’m not crazy. In 2006, I wrote a poem Confession. I had hope & thought I was changing, I’m not afraid to share who I am, but who ever really wants to know? I hide to be safe & it’s killing me. I’m writing cause I’ve nothing to lose. It’s harsh to be alone as I am & to know everyone knows. I apologize, but I have run out of people who love me; I can't tell them when they already know because it isn't kind.

Portia is as lucky to have you as you are to have her. It is wonderful to see such love. And thank you for telling everyone to be kind at the end of your show. These things warm my heart. They made today better.

Thing is, I don't have anyone else to tell. Not really. Even though there are more people in the world, even friends from the past.

Christie continues to lose ground significantly in the vote.

pain again

It's kind of ordinary to be in pain again. But for a brief time, things seemed easier. I knew it was just another way of avoiding the pain, but I did avoid it well.

I'm watching Brothers and Sisters and all the family drama. And I had the thought. What if I had met a different person than Bruce. Someone who wanted me in their life for who I am. What would life have been like. Would it have been enough. I thought how could I expect to attract someone who wanted me for who I am. I never knew that ever, how could it come and find me? And the need I have is so great. It sucks like the void and it is insatiable.

All I can see is a very cold winter where I let Princess die before her time, where I lose my house or my car or I am just miserable.

I watched the rally for sanity and it was inspiring. It was historic to watch and I was amazed by the crowd that attended. It's a real hope against the extremism in our time.

Still I am bed. I need to clean up the dog shit, wash clothes and me. I am cold. It's 50 degrees in here and I don't care enough to do anything about anything. I think about it, but I do nothing.

At least my daughter will have a $10,000 scholarship. She will be able to do things she wants to do. I happy for her and for all the people in her life that love who she is;.

I love my children

From Criminal Minds, Thomas Kemp wrote:

"Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible."

 Nietzsche once said, 

"When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."

How can anyone know me when to look into me is to look into an abyss?

New beginnings or ways to hide

Am I changing the structural foundation of how I am with my voice and it just takes time. It doesn't all happen in one day. Or have I found a new way to avoid, by involvement in interactions on facebook and survivor and cyber survivor etc...


If the latter, would it matter? After all aren't some forms of avoiding better than others?


Criminal Minds quote by French poet, Jacques Rigaut

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself. My role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."

Hard to know what is real. Maybe what is real about my newfound voice on the internet and interaction with people I don't know is the start of change. Maybe what it is, is not yet set in concrete. You can start a fractal but you can't predict the outcome.


How will I know what I cannot know now?


Truth is that I haven't been wanting to be dead, but behavior hasn't changed. I still haven't left the house. I posted on a number of blogs. I don't feel inhibited anymore.


Criminal Minds quote by Rose Kennedy:

"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them."

So maybe it is ok that I am enjoying what I am doing, regardless of what I am not doing. Why not enjoy the sunlight when it shines.


Chan Teck Loong is a survivor fan who friended me based on my posts and has contacted me to tell me his appreciation of me as a mother. After someone noted it was SON Week, I posted this:

Kian, It's son's week ... how cool is that cause I am lucky enough to have had you. I love you.

Chan Teck Loong is from Kuching, Malaysia and he has been commenting on my loving posts to my children. He instant messaged me this morning. And just now commented on the post:

He's born to be your son. No matter good times, or bad times be there for him. God bless you all.

He said "welcome" after I answered:

Thank you. You are a gentle and kind soul. I love that I have been able to be a mother.

I looked him up. I remember being afraid for just a moment before accepting his friendship because I didn't know why he friended me. I am now glad I took the chance and said yes. He was born June 29, 1975. I feel that he is an old soul in a young body.

Looking at his wall posts in music, I feel like I see a piece of who he is. I feel connected and distant enough not to be able to screw it up. He's a sweet young man, like a son.

I feel like that when I make the few comments I have with Rory or with Jocelyn.

What is real about it? What does question even mean? And would it matter? I experience it as real and connected.

And I just found out my daughter bought her iphone! Makes me very happy.

Voting

Last election we voted in Obama, our first Black president. I proud to be an American again. Bush made me embarrassed to be an American. He talked stupidly, and his passion was born out of ignorance. He started a war we had no right to be in. He fueled terrorism by his flagrant abuses of human dignity and rights towards suspected terrorists. He backed torture as a reasonable form of interrogation.


I knew when we voted in Obama, that there would be a small but significant group of Americans who would not stand quietly while we celebrated our significant step forward towards eradicating bigotry. But I am still surprised by this election, which has very bigoted candidates vying for positions in our government.


It disturbs me that people's fear of gay people is so huge that they cannot tolerate these people having equal rights in our country. I understand having a morality that disagrees with other people choice of lifestyle. What I don't understand is the drive to prevent people from living a particular lifestyle because you disagree with it.


It's not reasonable to say I am ok with gay people, I just don't want them to be able to get married, have families, teach our children, or be seen as normal. That's like saying I am ok with black people riding the bus, but they just have to sit in the back.


It is not reasonable to say that Muslims may not build a mosque on property that any other religious group could build on because it offends us. To equate all muslims to the small group of extreme terrorists, that happen to be Muslim, is moronic. It's an injustice that is as horrific as when we imprisoned all Japanese-Americans in encampments, just because Japan declared war on us. It was not right then and it is not right now. Diligence taken to protect ourselves is completely different than attacking Muslims or the Muslim faith as a whole. 


I would like to think we can learn from our mistakes and become better, but it doesn't seem so. Or maybe it does but it hard to notice.


I was inspired by Obama on the Daily Show. The man is a visionary. He understands how change happens. When the 14th Amendment was past, we change the course of America irrevocably. It didn't matter that every the next day or even the decade. But within my lifetime, we have a black president. And he is one of our all time great presidents. It is one thing to give a great speech and another thing to take unpopular stances that will cause what you stand for to come into being, not today, not tomorrow, maybe not even in your lifetime, but surely in your children's lifetime.


Obama has a selfless uncompromising dedication to our country's founding ideals that all men are created equal and have the right to liberty and the pursuit of happiness.


I never understood the pursuit of happiness before. I used to think it was sappy and superficial. It's not. It is the reason gay people should have same right to marry as I do and why a mosque should be able to be built anywhere in America that a church can be built. It is why the Amish can create a community and live according to their beliefs. As long as living according to your morality and beliefs do not impinge on the freedom of others to do likewise, then in America you are free to live that way. That is the pursuit of happiness. That is how so many different people from so many different cultures can live side by side in America. 


I was frustrated when I read a comment from a wisconsin resident, claiming both candidates were bad choices. And I responded that there was a difference between shooting yourself in the foot and shooting yourself in the head. 


And when my daughter groaned her protest regarding BBC Earth getting their shark fact wrong in her blog Et Tu BBC? I was moved to action and tweeted them.


Not satisfied yet, on my Facebook page I posted this:

VOTE! There is a difference between shooting yourself in the foot and shooting yourself in the head! So if you think there are no good choices so why vote, think again. Especially if your choices are between bad and horrific!

Still not satisfied, I wrote, and learned something about the pursuit of happiness just by thinking about it. Not satisfied yet. I would be disappointed in me if I was.

Zero Tolerance

I just wrote Tolerance. Kind of rap-ish. But I like it.

I had the intention of writing a new blog about kindness. But I changed my mind. I am going to do it here amidst all the rest. Also I will do it in my posts to blogs, as I have doing, more recently, blatantly.

I sent an email to Ellen. I talked about kindness regarding Cyber Survivor. And Craig Ferguson having no hate or whining comment. I shared this poem and how it was inspired by the comment on IT GETS BETTER face book page. And I shared Doctor Who and Van Gogh. I had to do it in three parts, but I did it anyway. I ended the final email with this:

Be kind... it's not enough. There is kindness all around us. Celebrating our kindness is key. Bullying changes you. It doesn't always get better. I hide in cyberspace. I am Sisyphus.

I wanted to say more but there wasn't room. It isn't likely to matter anyway. I made my point. Maybe she will use it well and I will have made a real difference.

Vincent Van Gogh

I love Doctor Who. What an extraordinary idea of kindness to transport Van Gogh to the present day to see how great painter he really was.

One of the quotes in show that he is privy to overhear is this:

"To me Van Gogh is the finest painter of them all. Certainly the most popular great painter of all time. The most beloved. His command of color the most magnificent. He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray, but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and, joy and magnificence of our world, no one had ever done it before. Perhaps no one ever will again. That strange wild man ... was not only the world's greatest artist, but also one of the greatest men who ever lived."

And how honest an ending that he die in despair anyway, committing suicide even after knowing his legacy.

Next quote is from Amy after learning he still committed suicide:

"So you were right. No new paintings. We didn't make a difference at all."

And the Doctor answers:

"Don't say that. The way I see it is every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Hey, the good things don't always soften the badness, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. And we definitely added to his pile of good things."

I sent the above portion to my daughter in an email adding this at the end:

You add to my pile of good things ... being able to give to you adds my good pile ...like the pool time we spent together, like buying the iphone ... like betting on how many votes you get ... so many things add to my good pile

Before this exchange in Doctor Who, Van Gogh said that he didn't things were going to end well for him. I know where I am going. I don't think anyone can do anything about it. But, I am not there today.

The past 24 hours have been extraordinary. Christie was nominated for a $10,000 college scholarship for her blog that is to be awarded based on a internet popularity contest. A make-up blog was winning until the science nerds on the internet intervened and she is now way ahead ... It was thrilling to watch her move from around 250 votes mid afternoon against someone with over 2700 to 6200 by  12:30am, to 8000 by 4 am to over 12,000 by 6pm. Her competition has not yet reached 3800.

She has created connections to very great scientists and bloggers and she matters to them. I am so happy for her. The competition goes until November 5th so I have lots of time to enjoy this.

I found Oliver on the internet.  Haven't really interacted. He is special to me. A truly great friend in my life. One with benefits. He is dear to me. The memories I have of him are good. He added to my good pile big time. I know I will write him. When I do, I will enter it here.

I emailed Paula as well. I think I will tell her more.

Anyway it has been a crazy 24 hours. Survivor was on and I have been enjoying posting about it. More on that later too ... and my cyber tribe is up to 57 ... my new goal is 75 ... 3 x there recommended size. I am pretty sure I have the largest tribe ... and I want to keep it that way. I am promoting kindness and humor in how I interact on the blogs .. taking a stand for it in fact... having fun.

Kinda of amazing to have been listening to a rerun of Doctor Who and stumble upon this exchange between the characters. I told my daughter yesterday that she did not understand depression, but that what I asked for always matters and that she needed to buy the iphone from the money she has of mine ... for me ... like when I told her to buy the wetsuit when she asked if she could the money for it. It never occurred me to say no. She will probably be able to repay me as she did for the wetsuit, but that never really matters. It's nice that she can because it let's me help her again or give her and Kian something they want ...

But in the end I don't think I can win ... I do think it will be tragic and horrible and drawn out. But today, I think I am seeing a possible way to have a go at another round of hope and trying ... not sure... maybe though... I see an inkling of possibility.

As to what was said to Van Gogh ... what a terrific possibility to imagine ... for me it would be my poetry and kindness and humor. It's a lofty goal to reach for and worthy of attempting even if failure is the final result.

Moon Willow

I took the What is your Indian Name quiz and mine was Moon Willow




You are unique, there is no "1" thing that makes you who you are. You follow your own path despite what others may think.

good vs evil

I wrote a poem and then reread poems and spent some time tweaking Profoundly Flagrant. I love writing and honing poetry. I worked on the rhythm and the rhyme and some word choices. The original idea seems to have existed from the onset, and what I do is reveal it and clarify it.

From Criminal Minds, Aristotle said,

"Evil brings men together."

I heard this and had a flash on kindness and how that would have to mean alone. All of a sudden, for an instant, I make sense. Just like the flash ... for an instant.

Again from another Criminal Minds, a quote by writer Cory Doctorow:

"All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That's in the nature of secrets."

I've kept so many secrets, thoughts, things. It seems that there is no possible confession that can adequately flush them clean. No matter how much I wish it, I seem to keep silent to those I should express myself to; and even when I do speak, what say seems only the tip of it all.

It has been pouring out. Now it is time to catch up on Craig Ferguson's show for the week ... and laugh a little. That's always a good thing.

impossibility

Just wrote Impossibility. Oddly a creative moment.

Survivor...

I love survivor. I find people interesting.

I have been playing the survivor game. It's a bit simplistic but I wanted to see what happened at the end ... Well, the game's a bit buggy and it stops giving you points and stuff you need when you get so close to the end that awarding you would exceed the max.

Anyway, I am determined to get all 1907 points which is hours and hours away ... I am also growing my tribe by friending survivor players. I am aiming first for 50 members (at 39 now) ... ideally I want to get 100 to 500 ... assuming there are enough people playing. But for the moment, 50 is hard and is what I am aiming for .. something significantly bigger than anyone else. At this point, I think I have the largest tribe, but to reach that within a day ... seems insignificant.

It's all another way to pass the days away. I enjoy the irony of having the largest tribe and yet I live alone, talk to no one, and have no real friends (just people I know). Filling up the hollowness with cyberspace.

I have only shed tears once in the past two days. I forget what I was thinking, but I think I posted here then.

I am pragmatic about living and trying to keep the pain at bay. I know I am wasting each day but I don't know what else to do. Anything else just hurts so much. Even just thinking this now hurts.

I saw that Wanda was on facebook so I friended her. There is a sad solace in knowing someone you like wants to connect with you, even if you don't know why or never speak.

I like Wanda, She's been to my house a number of times. She came when I was doing really poorly in 2008 and made a real difference to me. Helped me leave the house and get food. She really doesn't know me well and yet she acted with extraordinary kindness and generosity, given how far she had to drive to help me. I don't know her really at all. I just like her. She is odd and unusual. She is a really exceptional person.

It is weird to be alone and not alone. Been that way all my life in many different forms. Sometimes I was surrounded by people, and now there are none. Yet it is the same really. Inside I am alone. I suppose that is a stupidly obvious comment, but I just connect to this isolation so much of the time...

Leonardo DaVinci

From Criminal Minds: Leonardo DaVinci once said,

"Our life is made by the death of others."

Telling.

"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace." Thomas Paine

Please understand me. Forgive me. Let me be forgiven.

Toxcity

I wrote a poem called that. I do feel that hanging with me is toxic. I have always felt that way. I have always been afraid to be too involved, to be to close. With my kids it has been a compromised between loving thenm and being sure that they had the best I could offer and keeping them at arms length so I wouldn't harm them with how I am.

It breaks my heart to feel their loss and yet I orchestrated it. They didn't leave me. I let them go. I talk them how to be on their own. I gave them Concord Academy instead of me because it had everything I am not, structure, reliability, opportunity. I had love, but it wasn't enough. I watched over them to be sure no one harmed them. I couldn't protect them from everything. I couldn't teach them everything, but I could be their as an anchor, always on their side. I fought for them like a pit bull when I felt it necessary. I protected them and I always loved them. But I let them go. I taught them how to have a good life without me, because I am poison.

I suupose they couldn't have helped but felt the distance at times. I know I wasn't perfect. I was late when i never should have been. I am sorry. But I was so afraid to leave to others without my guidance and so afraid that having them close would stifle them. I know I did well. I was very good at teaching them how not to have me in their lives. I wish they were but I know they shouldn't be. It just hurts. I love them so much but I know that I can't be around them anymore. I want it but I can't have it.

I look at Princess now. She could have had a better home. But no one loves her more. Now, everyone would kill her. She'd old. She needs help walking/ She's just old. She iis not ill. She is not in pain. I don't do the best by her, but she wants to be here. She wants to be here more than I do. I can't abandon her. I can't kill. It is hard to take care of her, but I manage. It's not ideal, but she doesn't deserve to die just to be more convenient for me. She doesn't deserve to be killed after a lifetime of loving me and the kids unconditionally. And she even loved the other dogs and cats too. She likes being with me still. I don't know why. I suppose you have to be a dog or a cat to be able to live with me or to have me in your life.I she wasn't crippled for her sake. I am not ideal for giving her the best life this way. But my short comings don't mean she should die. She likes life. And she still loves me and wants to be with me. God knows why; I don't,

NCIS conversation

McGee said: "I can't imagine what I would do if I lost my eyesight." Zeva responded, "You'd adapt." McGee, "What if I didn't." Zeva, "You'd fall into a deep depression and eventually you would die."

Made me laugh. Ironic how accurate humor can be. "eventually" kind of sticks in the heart.

Helen Keller

Criminal Minds quote: Helen Keller once said:

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it."

Why am I not one of those many who overcome? What is wrong with me?

Albert Camus...

On April 6 2009 I tweeted:

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." —Albert Camus ; not ever finally (just again)

I question this ... maybe because I have returned to before the "again" phase ... or maybe because there is a limit, and I do not have an invincible summer within me, hard to know and though time will tell, the passage of time is slow and agonizing.

I seem to be successful at cutting ties to everyone. I have social interaction on FaceBook Survivor blogs with strangers. While I enjoy engaging, I know I am alone and tired.

I wonder when Christie will contact me and if Kian will. Sad to think about.

Suffering...

From Criminal Minds, Philosopher Khalil Gebran

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with scars."

Why am I how I am? I am weak. I am kind. I am useless. I am a failure at being alive, alone, a friend.

Princess

I can't kill her. I help her walk. She always eats. She wants to go out. I don't know what's right. I just don't have it in me to kill her. I don't know if that makes me a horrible person or kind. I can't tell. I just can't kill her, not while she fights to live.

july 2010

Christie visited me in June and in July I failed to make my phone payment that was months overdue and my phone was shut off on the 8th. I went back to writing in my obituary journal.

07-14-10 10:23 pm

From Criminal Minds:

“One need not be a chamber to be haunted. One need not be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place.”  (unsure) … Emily Dickerson

“There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man.” … Olivius ? (unsure)

I was imagining fixing it and paying the bill and didn't.

07-21-10 10:43 pm

I want to be dead. I am so tired. I am feeling comfort from my ballooning obesity and my disconnected phone. No one can reach me so I don’t feel like no one wants to. Need to pay my bill, but can’t call in payment. Too complex. I wish I could drown in the ocean. I wish I could disappear. 

Then Kian came. It was years ago that Kian visited. I was surprised.

07-26-10 06:15 am

Kian and his girlfriend Chelsea stopped by unexpectedly for a few hours yesterday on their way to Maine. Christie visited for 2 days last month. I want to write this in case I die before things get better. I want both my children to know that if I die before things get better then I want to say at least I am no longer in so much pain. If I die of obesity it is only because I didn’t know how else to let go and I didn’t know how to survive.

I have worked so hard to foster your being who you are and reaching for what matters to you and I don’t want to cripple that with my life or my death.

I don’t want you to ruin your lives for me or because of me and I love both more that you could ever know.

I am so sorry for being who I am.

It is hard to understand why I cannot live with my family and I want you to understand that it is not my fault that I am broken. 

You cannot imagine what it was like to grow up verbally battered and humiliated and taunted. You cannot understand what it is like to live in a family where they tease and ridicule you and do not like you for who you are. Maybe it would be different if I had the capacity socially to form sustainable friendships. Maybe it would have been different if I was enjoyable to hang out with and a benefit to other people more than a drain. Maybe if my brother had not molested me at such a critical moment of time when I was 11, I would not panic the way I do and freeze and let horrible things happen to me because I cannot speak and fight back for myself. I have spent my life trying to fix myself, to function in spite of myself and I have failed. I am so sorry.

I keep hitting my head hoping the pain will give me some peace and it is not working anymore. I just want to die. I don't care what happens to anything anymore. I am a coward to live and I am a coward to die and I just want to be dead. If there is a god, please make the pain end. I want to be dead. Please kill me. Please, Please help me die.

07-27-10 09:01 pm

I am so afraid of being myself around people, I am so afraid of feeling shunned for who I am. I so afraid of being discarded like garbage. I want to be heard and I want to be unseen. I am disgusted by the results of how I am.

I don’t understand the pain. I know it hurts.

07-28-10 02:57 am 

I am afraid that everyone is going to give up on me.

I not afraid people will give up on me anymore. They have. I just want to be dead. Let me not wake up tomorrow, Please let me be dead.

07-30-10 06:19 pm 

Kian didn’t get phone turned on this week and in 40 minutes it can’t be fixed until next week. I don’t know why. He may not even come today like he said he would and even if he does, he needs to be at the airport by 8 am tomorrow to return his car. If he doesn’t come I will not know why. I hate hope. I had no right to be upset because he doesn’t have to help me and it is not his fault I am the way I am.

When he showed up last Sunday, I had real hope. I hate that. Less than ½ an hour now. Even if he comes, it is too late unless he does it himself. A fleck of hope remains though it is unreasonable to believe it. I wonder when hope he comes will fade into the black void of impossibility?

Anonymous

Before I die I want to post all my journaling on line and all my poetry. I want my dog to have had the rest of her life. I want my children to know how much I love them, how much pain I am in, and how it is best that I died. I want to be heard.

I am so sorry for how I am. 

Fifteen minutes and I will be sure I have no phone until Monday at the earliest. I should not have asked him for help. I wish had not stopped even though I missed him and was happy he came. 

It is harder to know for a fact that you know the truth about me and still you choose to abandon me, to barely include me in your life. I think depression is so ugly no one is wiling to be near it. I can’t imagine the extent of the distaste and disgust that one has to be able to turn away. I wonder if it isn’t a lack of importance or interest. Is it just insignificance? 

I hope that if it is not possible in life that in death my children will find a way to forgive me.

….

Too late for the phone. I must be so stupid to believe in anything. I wish I didn’t feel anymore. It will be worse when he doesn’t show tonight. I don’t want to feel this way.

If I don’t die maybe I can find a way to live by ranting about how horrific is it to be human. I used to believe lawyers were the bottom scum feeders but I think gossip TV and internet reach a new low. Thing is I have learned a bit about rock bottom and that is that until you die, the bottom is bottomless. Doesn’t bode well for humanity.

…

It’s twenty till eight and it looks like he is no show, but he could stop by for a few minutes on the way back. Hard to be sure. Hope is fading fast.

At least while I think about other things there is a reprieve from pain.

…

It’s almost 8:30pm. I have been imagining when I finally give up how I will drive to the post office, or across NH to the open Walmart. I wonder when I will give up. Kian and Chelsea don’t fly out until Saturday night, will I concede to the fact that they won’t come before then? Hard to know. I imagine going out a lot and rarely do. I feel like I am floating in quicksand.

No one should feel this bad. It’s nearly 9pm.I don’t think Kian is coming. I wish this didn’t hurt so much.

I think my mother and father keep my kids from me. I wish they would stop. I hurt so much. There is always a new low. That is what I have to look forward too as long as I live.

…

It’s 10:37pm now. My son is likely not coming. I’m feeling numb about it. I’m cold. The it’s 62 degrees inside, 56 outside. The cold feels better than the pain. TV is distracting. I live it instead of me for a while.

Still wonder will he come? At 11:24pm that’s unlikely but I still want to believe he might come. I’m afraid to go any where, even the post office, because I might miss him.

07-31-10 12:43 am

Kian didn’t come yet. Not sure if he even gives me a thought or anything.

1:42am he didn’t come. 5:53am, guess he won’t be coming. I wish I could explain why he forgot me. 7:11am, maybe I will sleep a bit. Still did not go out.

It is time to take the pictures down off my wall. Pack up nice things and throw out the rest. It is time to get ready to die. I no longer want to be anywhere. There is no hope for me. I just need to get the courage to die.