A lot of the time I feel normal. I don't cry or do anything really. I lie in bed. Play solitaire computer games and/or watch TV. I sleep most of the day now and am awake at night. Everything seems normal except I don't talk to anyone except my dog, and I only leave the house when I run out of food.
If I don't think about how I am living and what I don't do, then everything seems normal, and I don't feel pain.
I have very intense dreams: 1. about former friends telling me to go away while I try to beg for a chance and I try to tell them how important it is that I am able to be with children, but they are not allowing me to speak and they are blocking; 2. I am being beaten and stabbed and I won't back down about something and I won't agree and I keep getting beaten.
All I have to do is start to write and I start hurting. It is hard to keep avoiding the pain and it is impossible to bear it.
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